What kind of dancer are you?

I've spent more money on couch dances than I'd care to admit. I've gotten dances from all sorts of girls. Over the years I've noticed that they tend for fall into certain categories. Most girls don't completely fit into one category they have a few characteristics of many. Some also have off days, or things outside the club (like paying bills) will intrude and change they way she acts. Still others are stereotypes that fit the description to a T. In any case this is my little view of the world of couch dancing.

Mad Max
I've only run into two dancers in this category. This girl really does not want to be working at the club. She hates the customers, she hates the other dancers, she hates the bar staff. She hates her situation. In both case the girl had been dancing way too long, but didn't know how to get out. Dancing is a job not a career. The job takes a toll physically and emotionally. I think a lot of dancers under estimate the physical effect. When you wake up in pain every day it seeps into the rest of your life. One thing that always amazes me is that I guy can get away saying things to a girl that he couldn't any where else. Some of things I've heard said would at minimum get a drink thrown in his face at any other place, probably worse usually. At work he'd be fired immediately and most likely sued. Yet at a strip club it's tolerated. That being said, taking it out on other customers isn't the best idea. These are the only times I've stop the dance and paid and bailed out. The first time the dancer placed her forearm on my Adam's apple, gave me a "go ahead make my day look" and started. During the entire dance keeping pressure on my neck with the thinly veiled threat that if I so much as twitched she would cripple me for life. I have no delusions that there are million other things she'd rather be doing that giving me a couch dance, but you don't need to hit me over the head with it.

Strip clubs sell fantasy. Beautiful girls who normally wouldn't even acknowledge you exist suddenly dress up in lingerie and get naked for you. I think it's easy for a lot of guys to lose track of this. They don't realize that it's a job. The girl didn't wake up one morning and develop an over powering desire to put on a pair of eight inch platform heels, get up on a stage and take off all their clothes. They are there because they have to pay the bills. This fact never really set in with me until one day when I had to two dancers sitting with me at the table. One (slightly drunk) dance turned to the other and said "you know, Todd has to be the easiest couch dance ever". The couch dance was simply a task. This is the first time for a realized that it was a job. To be honest this completed altered my perception. It also changed the way I went to a strip club. In high school I had a summer job working for a bowling pro shop. It seems like a hardware associated with bowling is heavy. Bowling balls are heavy. The marble blocks for bowling trophies are heavy. The wood planks to fix bowling lanes are heavy. I hauled heavy boxes everyday. Occasionally we would stock bowling gloves or items considerably lighter than bowling balls. Days like these were a nice change. When your job is carrying heavy objects, getting to carry light objects can be a reward. I realized that most dancers really didn't want to be there, but if I made things as pleasant as possible for her that it is something she wouldn't mind too much.

The MinMaxer
It's a job, which means ultimately it comes down to money. Some dancers take this the extreme. Their whole approached is to separate the customer from as much his money with the least amount of work. For the minimum amount of effort they want to the maximum amount of money. I can't really fault a dancer for this approach. But not when its taken to far you feel like you're getting ripped off. These girls will do everything they can to delay the couch dance, once the dance started they stop and talk through half of it. If they know it's the last dance you are going to buy they'll stop the second they think the song get near the end and put their hand out to get paid. If they think they might be able to bluff you into buying another dance they'll keep dancing when the next song starts. I wear glasses that I take off when getting a couch dance. A couple of times I have had to hip check a couple girls off so I can put my glasses on and pay them for the dances I did agree to buy. I'm not sure that if this was Dean's intention but one of the best things he did was have the bouncer's record how many dances each girl did during the shift. As long as the dancer knows that an third party is keeping of track of how many dances have occurred they are far less inclined to try and scam you out of an "extra" dance. I've noticed that most girls who do this tend to have exaggerated looks. They have their hair made up in a massive up do, wear enough make up to make the queen of the Nile flinch, and own the tallest heels that the FAA allows without having to divert planes landing at the airport.

The Poser
This girl will sit on the other end of the couch from you and starts posing. Pretty much doing the exact same things on the couch she does on stage. The same thought always crosses my mind "Why am I paying twenty dollars for the same thing I can see for a dollar at the stage?" not to mention, the lighting is a lot better at the stage. Granted you have her undivided attention (hopefully) but I've yet to find a girl that is twenty times better than the stage. In some ways it worse, since the dancer doesn't really take anything off during a couch dance. To make matters worse for me is I'm extremely near sighted. I don't wear my glasses during a couch dance. She could be sitting on the couch sending text messages or making shadow puppets for all I know. To be fair, I'm a bit different than most guys in the fact I really don't want to see body parts an inch away from my face. I actually prefer to sit back and look at the whole person. The basic problem with the poser is she makes you feel like she doesn't want to be anywhere near you.

The Boob Polisher
This girl does one thing. She rubs her boobs up and down against your chest. She does virtually nothing else. Not that this is a bad thing if you're a guy, but after a while you begin to wonder if she spilled something on her blouse in the dressing room and is trying to wipe it off on your shirt. This dancer loses her appeal pretty quickly. If I wanted this experience I'll buy a pair of nerf balls and rub them against my chest with my eyes closed. Unfortunately this is about as exciting experience has it gets. For the deluxe experience I'll spray the nerf balls with economy gallon size bottle of perfume at Wal-Mart.

The Shampoo Girl
The vast majority of dances fall into this category. Their whole approach to couch dancing is the same as washing their hair: Lather, Rinse, Repeat as necessary. They have four or five moves they use and repeat these moves until the customer runs out of money or interest. One of the things I've noticed is that these girls have a limited attention span. They generally can only do two to three dances before they get bored. After the last dance their posture changes, instead of leaning extending them selves and leaning on the customer they'll rock back and support their weight on their knees. They also start to look around to see if the bar has become any more crowded or check out to see what the other dancers are doing. The amount of time she spends on each move gets shorter. Until they reach the boredom point, the shampoo girls is a pretty hot experience. The boredom point determines how much I'll spend on a girl.

When I start buying dances from a girl they almost always start out as a Shampoo girl. It takes a while before a dancer will trust you. As a customer I know I'm guilty until proven innocent; I heard tons of stories of girls getting mauled on the couch by guys. Even normally nice guys can get grabby, all it takes is alcohol.

Shampoo girls are also working a lot harder than they have to. They feel compelled to be pushing, pulling and grinding with their entire body. Sometimes it's nice if they stop and massages your hand, or does something a little more personal. A lot of other guys probably like the constant motion, it's the "damn it I 'm paying for this do something".


The Cheater
This girl will do little things that go beyond the club rules. A hand will stray below the belt line, a breast will get a lot closer than normal, or she might give a quick kiss on the lips. This goes a long way with a guy. Beyond the basic stimulation it makes the guy feel special. That he is being treated better than other guys. This goes back to the fantasy of a strip club, that a girl, who normally wouldn't give you the time of day, now is treating you like you're something special. There are risks with this. A lot of guys will take this as a sign that they can do more. I supposed it's the risk versus reward thing. A dancer might pick up a new regular or get a few more dances, but she might also get attacked in the process. One "move" a cheater use I call the elbow. They'll rub their hand on your chest and "accidentally" rub their elbow on your crotch. A lot of girls aren't very good at this move. Instead of rubbing the guy's crotch, they end up jamming a boning elbow into his private parts. Fortunately guys are pretty primitive things, and any sort stimulation between the legs will always be a positive experience. However, you might keep in mind that if guy asks for another dance in voice several octaves higher than he did before, you probably missed with the elbow.

The Illusionist
A girl like this will pretty much own me. They manage to make you feel like there is some degree of affection. Not that they want to date you or any serious, but you feel like you are more than just another customer. A strip club sells fantasy, I suppose that this is the ultimate fantasy is that you actually might actually like you. Some of the girls that fall into the class I've become good friends with outside the club. I suppose to some degree there is a personal bond forms when two people who like each other. One common trait about these girls is that they notice what you like and don't like and will change they way the couch dance. They don't robotically motor through their normal set of moves. They also draw you in little ways. One dancer would call a "cuddle song". She would just basically curl up with her head on my chest. As minor as this sounds, it made me feel like she trusted me. I suspect most of the time she was probably hung over and didn't feel like working, but you have to give her points for a creative solution. A lot of her illusion occurs off the couch. She actually knows what you do, talks to you like a friend. Doesn't hit you with the hustle the second you walk in the door.

Music Volume

I really don't get it. Why do some DJs crank up the music to ear splitting levels? If it's a small crowd bludgeoning them with volume isn't going to fire them up. It has the opposite effect, when the music is so loud you can't talk to anybody, if it's a song you don't like it turns into torture. If it's a big crowd I can understand. You need to turn it up to reach the audience. If you don't turn it up the music will get drowned out with background noise. But makes no sense to turn the music up when nobody's there. I actually change the time I go in the club to avoid the really loud DJs. I hang out there so I can talk to a girl who normally wouldn't give me the time of day. The key word is talk. Cranking the music has the same effect as putting cotton in your ears when you are trying to talk. When your ears are stuffed with cotton you can't hear the person talking, when the music too loud, you can't hear the person talking.

From business point of view it doesn't make any sense. I don't think most people working in the club realize how bad it really is. After working there for while they've either gotten use to it and/or suffered some hearing loss. I hang out there every other week or so, and I have tinnitus (permanent ringing in the ears). I never had it before and considering the loudest thing I have to deal with outside the club is my alarm clock. It's the primary culprit. The OSHA limit for noise over 90db is 15 seconds. An average Ipod can peak at 95db. I can only guess what the levels reach on the center stage where the speakers are pointed at. It's louder than an Ipod. I can only imagine what the people who are out of the floor deal with. It hurts. It physically hurts, when you see somebody reach up and cover their ears they are in pain. I can think of no way faster to lose a customer than to inflict pain on them.

Then to have the DJ yell at them "if you don't like it so loud, you can f'n leave" is really bad. If you got people line up waiting to get in you can get selective. If you have empty space, telling somebody to take off only insures that it will be emptier next week. Its takes time to build up a customer base. You can destroy it in a day. A little common sense, when was the last time you heard somebody say "hey let's go hang out at D2, it's so loud you can't talk to anybody". If you were to ask customers what the primary reason for why they walked into the club, music volume isn't one. If you asked why they left, I bet music volume would be one. You are in business because of your customers, not in spite of your customers. When you lose track of this you've got real problems.

I'm amazed the club hasn't been sued by a piss off employee. Oregon is a right to know state, if the club doesn't notify their employee's of potential hearing damage and provide protection they are liable. Get enough upset ex-employees you can get a class action suit.

Unfortunately I don't think it will change soon. Periodically the volume gets turned down, but never for very long. I suspect when they turn it down business doesn't immediately pick up, so they assume it doesn't make a difference. The problem is that they've been driving people away for years, you're not going to fix that in a day. It will take a while before you start to get people back. When I first started to hang out at the Dolphin, I used to get there a 6 and leave around 8 because it was so crowded you couldn't get a seat. Now I can walk in at 8 and almost be alone. I can only hope that a little common sense will prevail.

Things dancers do that I hate

I had named this blog "Dancer mistakes" That’s seems a bit arrogant for somebody who's not a dancer. It's more accurate to simply rename it to something more appropriate.

Letting the customer hang
This is huge. When a customer asks to buy dances from you, don't make him wait more than two songs. A lot of girls will wander back into the dressing room and disappear for three or four songs. This happens a lot more than most people realize. Sometimes the dancer just disappears completely. You spend fifteen minutes, waiting for a no show. Sometimes, a big spender will come in, and she'll ditch you for more money. That sucks, but that's life when you're not the biggest fish in the pool. I appreciate it if a dancer tells me that high roller has come in. I may not like it, but I understand. A strip club is about fantasy, making a guy feel like he's being ignored (or unimportant) is not the message you want to send. For a lot of guys like me being made to wait, wondering if she's going to show up is a common occurrence. There are bars all over Portland I can go to get ignored, for a lot less money. You will definitely cut into the amount of money the guy will spend, or kill your chances of repeat business. A lot of times being at the club can be a really miserable experience. Ludwig the DJ is playing music you hate at ear splitting levels, somebody is smoking a cigar at the table next to you. If it wasn't for the fact your waiting for a dancer you wouldn't be there. The longer you wait, the more you begin to hate the dancer.

I always set a specific number of songs I'll wait. When the time expires, I'll either leave or find another dancer. It may not be the best solution, but its better and sitting and getting upset. I've met guys that get absolutely crazy when they get ignored. Next time you're sitting around wondering why you can't get anybody to buy a dance think about it.


Dangling Jewelry
This may sound silly, but it's really annoying. You may not notice them because you've been wearing them for hours, but it's distracting, occasionally painful. I've had my hair (what precious little I have left) pulled out when it got entangled in an earring. It's really uncomfortable to feel a piece of metal being dragging across your face, especially around the eyes. The earrings may look cute, but do you really think guys spend a lot of time looking above the neckline?


Ordering a drink
When the waitress walks up, ask if the customers minds if you order a drink, or if you are ordering an expensive drink let him know. You will make a guy defensive if you suddenly start spending money. Also you are probably cutting into the money the he would normally spend on you. Some of the drinks can be stupid expensive. Its really has nothing to do whether he can afford it or not, it's selling the fantasy that you actually care about it.


Fake Sex Noises
I'm probably in the minority here, but I actually have a hard time not laughing when some girl starts moaning in my ear. It just doesn't work. Most of the time it sounds as fake as it really is. Sometimes it just sounds bad. I have to keep from making some sort of smart ass response like "are my keys gouging you?" or "is your foot cramping again?" It just doesn't seem right. Occasionally, a soft moan is nice, but leave the "When Harry met Sally" routine for your boyfriend.