I am not a criminal

I’ve met you. You sneer at from your car as I walk into the club. You roll your eyes when I talk about my friends that strip. You shake your head in disgust when talking about strippers. You decided that I am some sort of deviant because I go to strip club. To all you folks that feel they can judge me because they are morally superior: Fuck You. You are not. You are ignorant.

I am not a criminal

I pay my taxes. I donate $1000 dollars a year to the humane society. I’ve done jury duty twice. I pick up litter. I recycle. I don’t speed. As a matter of fact the last time I was pulled over by the police Ronald Reagan was president.  I also like to look at naked women.  I’m pretty sure 99% of the male population likes to look at naked women (or men, depending on their preference). There is a multi-billion dollar industry built around this aspect of human nature. So why am I ostracized for doing what the rest of the world spends billions of dollars on. I just prefer to see naked women in person.  I am the same person in the club I am at work, at the store, at home. I’m not altered or corrupted by the club.

It amazes me that people will make a value judgment on this and ignore everything else. If I were to tell you I have a friend who is in their early twenties, self employed, and making good money you’d probably be impressed with them. Most people in their early twenties are struggling to get by. Mention she is a stripper and somehow the money becomes tainted. If you don’t think stripping is a something people should do. That’s fine, that’s your opinion.  Not liking something is not a valid reason to label it immoral and condemn it. If it is truly something terrible then let the facts demonstrate that, not an emotional reaction. Out of all the world’s ills is stripping really something that we should be focusing on?

I am not a misogynist

I don’t hate women. I don’t want to own them. I’m not a puppet master trying to bend people to my will with a twenty dollar bill. I am not part of a grand conspiracy to suppress women. Most dancers I know aren’t victims. They weren’t smuggled into the country on a container ship. They aren’t being held hostage in the back room. Everyday they wake up and make a decision to work at the club. If things had gone perfectly in their lives would they being stripping at the Dolphin? Probably not, but life is seldom perfect.

Is there some corruption bout stripping that is so completely ingrained that anybody associated with the industry will be destroyed for life? In my opinion, no there isn’t. Any job can be exploited. The strip industry hardly has the lock on that. I used to work as a gas station attendant. I spent eight hours a day working with toxic chemicals and moving vehicles for three dollars an hour (OK that was a while ago).  The job sucked. But it was my decision to do the job. At that point of my rather less than perfect life it was the best option for me. If it wasn’t I would left. Maybe a dancer can’t leave because she can’t make that kind of money elsewhere, but would it be any different if she was an accountant?

The only thing that is fundamentally flawed is people’s perception. The dancer does not do anything she does not want to do. She isn’t being picked up by her pimp.  The idea that women are being sold off as chattel is simply wrong. It's simply insulting to assume all these women are helpless victims.

I am not an animal

I am not a slave to my impulses. I would love to run through red lights when there is no traffic. I’d love to eat nothing but beer and pizza every night. I’d love to take a shot of whiskey, scream, and smash things when I get frustrated at work. But I don’t. I’m part of larger society. My actions have consequences to other people. There is nothing that I can see at a strip club that is going to make me not act like I live in a society. Compared to what I can see on the internet with a click of a mouse, strip clubs are tame. In Missouri (ironically nicknamed the show me state) It’s illegal for uncovered areolas, exposed labia and alcohol to be located in the same bar. Do people really have that little impulse control? Does this law really make a difference?

If you are going to judge me, judge me on what I’ve done, not on what your prejudices think I might do. To be willingly ignorant is the greatest failing a person can ever have.

Get off my lawn

You know you’ve been hanging out at strip clubs too long when you recognize songs that nobody else in your demographic can. The TitsandSass.com web site is running a March madness style contest to determine the greatest strip club song of all time.  The first bracket to show up was the Hip Hop/R&B region. I was amazed by the realization that I knew most of these songs. You don’t expect middle aged electrical engineers from Troutdale Oregon to know much about that bracket.

My only exposure to this music is at strip clubs. I still don’t like that style of music. But then again, I don’t like a lot of music from my generation. If a mysterious gamma-ray burst destroyed every copy of the Eagles music on the planet I would be a happy man. Even if it was just the song Hotel California getting nuked, I’d still be happy. Every last piece of vinyl, magnetic media, or flash memory version expunged from existence. That would be an awesome thing. I’d also be in church the following Sunday. The destruction of the Eagles would be proof to me that God exists. Which church would I go to though? Our lady of blessed high energy neutrons? Maybe the church of Elvis.

I’ve already explained why I think dancers are killing their money by playing music the crowd doesn’t like. Seriously, can you name one thing that was made better by somebody playing music you hate, very loudly? A stripper set doesn’t get better. I don’t care how sexy she thinks she is. Music shouldn’t be banned from a club. It’s her show, she can play what she wants. Just don’t get mad at the crowd when they don’t tip.

This still makes me feel like a grumpy old man. The first time I uttered the phrase “You call that music?” I stopped and mentally shut down for a couple seconds. The realization that I sounded just like my parents was sobering.  It’s music, but not music I like. Most of the stars of hip hop and R&B seem to have done pretty well without my patronage.

I’m half tempted to contact a Russian hacker friend to rent his botnet. I could probably get Barbie Girl voted in as the ultimate strip club song. That’s the only way that monumental annoying song would ever win. Barbie Girl winning would be proof that god doesn’t exist. Perhaps my money would be better spent on getting a classic rock song into the winners circle, any of them. Except Nickelback. How did they get in? That seems suspicious to me. Be sure to go the Titsandsass to vote. Even if just to keep Nickelback from winning.

Music Matters

There are things I understand and there are things I get. By ‘get’ I’m mean I really get all the subtleties and implications of a concept. I understand wearing open toed six inch plastic platform heals is difficult. Do I truly really get the amount of difficulty? No, I don’t. The idea that my toe nails need to be presentable is completely alien idea to me. I have ten toes. I see them every morning when I put my socks on. Could I pick them out of police line up? Probably not. I genuinely don’t care what my toe nails look like. Nor do I feel the need to be able to pick them out of a police lineup, since I’m attached to them. If there ever is the case I have been separated from my toes, I probably don’t want to see them again. Do I understand why dancers need to get pedicures yes, do I really get it? No.

I think this is the level of understanding most dancers have toward music. The problem with music is everybody has different taste. What I like, what the person next to me likes, what the people at the bar likes are most likely different. This is really true for customers, since the age range a customers can be extreme. Customers can be anything from twenty one to ninety one. Dancers get that most of the customers probably don’t listen to the music they pick for their set, but they don’t understand the true effect.

I will tip more for a dancer who plays a song I like. I will not tip a dancer who picks a song I hate. I’m generally pretty neutral toward the music being played. It falls into a kind of necessary evil to me. I understand that what I listen too is now classic, or Jurassic rock. I don’t like rap. Rap to me is just beat poetry, without the beat and without the poetry. If I ruled the world Dubstep should be expunged from the human experience. Unfortunately for me (and fortunate for everybody else) I don’t rule the world so Dubstep exists. When I go to strip club I expect to hear music I don’t like. It is a treat to actually hear music I like.

However, I pay for privilege to be at the club and I’m going to control to the best of my ability where my money goes. I listen to dancers talk about how they like to dance to a particular song. The song makes them feel sexy and they feel like they put on a better show and make more money. I personally don’t believe this. I’ve watched dancers perform to songs they like and songs they hate. The actual difference is pretty negligible if they tried to dance. Some dancers just stop and glare at the DJ if they don’t like the song. Stopping in the middle of song is the problem, not the song. Stopping will also affect her money. If I want to watch women standing still and do nothing I’ll buy a magazine.

I recently watched a dancer perform to “Bridge of sighs” by Robin Trower. She made at least eighty dollars for her set. This was during an early evening weekday shift when most girls were making ten dollars total per set. The money can mostly from the three middle aged customers. The mid shift at a club seems to be the Rogaine shift. It seems like that's the time most of the customers are my age. Speaking from experience middle age guys come in earlier because they don’t like to stay up late. The dancer was playing music that customers at the time liked. This is smart. Play to the crowd. They are where you are going to make your money.

I’ve also seen dancers play music to punish a crowd. I’ve heard hard core rap played at ear splitting levels because the dancer was having a bad night. She wasn’t making any money. Apparently it didn’t occur to her that playing music the crowd doesn’t like will affect her money. Again, I’m paying for the privilege to be there. Why do I want to pay to listen to music I hate?

You are not sexier if you are playing music I hate. Would you think a male stripper was sexy if he had Foghat or Rush blasting through the speakers at ear drum rupturing levels? I actually like Rush, even though Geddy Lee is probably one the most annoying singers ever. If you could teach squirrels to sing they would sound like Geddy Lee. I understand this, I get this. Just because you like music doesn’t mean everybody else does. Don’t expect people to pay to listen music they don’t like.

101 uses for old stripper shoes, #21

Hot Wheels launching ramp

That awkward moment

Customers have awkward moments too:

That awkward moment

1.         When you realize you’re drooling in the middle of a lap dance
2.         When you ask a dancer to get off of you
3.         When you realize what that tattoo actually is
4.     .    When you realize you’re covered in glitter
5.      .  Your leg falls asleep during a lap dance
6.         When you see the dancers lips move but you can’t hear a word she’s saying over the music
7.         When you realize the dancer has passed out in the middle of a lap dance
8.         When you realize she is as dumb as the rest of the dancers say she is

My thought process at a strip club.

This Tim Minchin song pretty much vocalizes what is going through my head at strip club. Not safe for work obviously.

What's your real name and why should I care?

One question that consistently irritates dancers is ”what’s your real name?” I constantly see assorted twitter feeds gripes about customers asking what their real name is. One dancer even made 'What's your real name'  her twitter handle (https://twitter.com/nakedinatx). I think that when you are in the industry it becomes so common that it seems perfectly normal.  But if you’re not in the industry it’s really weird. While I can’t speak for the entire customer community, I think I can explain the interest.

Outside of the strip club world, where else do you deal with people face to face that won’t tell you their name? Pretty much nowhere else does this occur. Everywhere else people will at least give you their first name. Not only will a dancer not give you her real name, she’ll give you a really odd name.  Where else will somebody sit down next and introduce themselves “Hi, my name is Skittles”, or Calico, or Peanut, or Viagra, or Sinful. Really, I’m supposed to just pass a name like that off as an everyday occurrence? In the stripper world this is no big deal, but outside the club, it’s really odd.

When some dancer sits down and introduces herself with I always want to answer back “wow, your parents sure had a sense of humor”.  I know there are very good reasons for using a stage name, but how would you react if the person fixing your car introduced them as Gizmo, and wouldn’t give you their real name. You are completing a cash transaction with somebody that won’t tell you who they are.  Except for drug dealers (exotic pharmacist?) who else does this? Would you buy something from a person who refused to identify themselves? Strip club customers are asked to.

I’ve made light of the stage name concept in other posts. I used to be really fascinated by dancers versus their real names. I even kept a list of names to see if I could find a pattern between the two (I couldn’t). However, Facebook has kind of removed that mystery. I have a ridiculously small number of friends. Most people’s pets have more Facebook friends than I do. I really don’t care actually. But Facebook seems to care. It helpfully posts ‘people you may know’ every time I log in.  Most of the time it’s a dancer. Once you become friends with one dancer you are one or two steps away from a hundred other dancers. It’s sort of six degrees of Kevin Bacon Facebook stripper style. I’ve learned a ton of dancer’s real names from Facebook. The name novelty has worn off.

Seriously I don’t think most dancers realize how easy it is to locate them on Facebook once you have one dancer friend.  Not only that they don’t setup their privacy features at all. If you’re a dancer setup your Facebook privacy, it will save you a lot of grief in the future.

Is it a big deal that a dancer won’t tell you her real name? No, it isn’t.  But it is really unique to the industry. I know musicians and actors use fake names, but I don’t typically meet them in person when I buy their product.  Other sex workers use fake names too, but I don’t interact with them. It may be annoying as hell, but I think dancers will be asked that question as long as there are strip clubs.