Dancer Maladies

Here are some imaginary afflictions I see dancers getting from time to time. They are kind of silly, but I don't feel very serious right now.




Poleo
this is a dancer affliction where she exhibits extreme reluctance to move more than arms length from the pole the entire set. The dancer shows an aversion to approaching any customers. She will maintain physical contact with the pole at all times. This affliction is most commonly seen in baby strippers, but will occasionally be observed in more experienced dancers. It must be terrifying the first time on stage for a dancer. There really isn't any way to practice stripping, she get thrown to the wolves, literally. Have you noticed the expressions some guys have around the stage? Predatory would be the most accurate description of their looks. Most dancers get better and start to engage customers around the rail. Some dancers will exhibit Poleo when nobody is tipping. They'll just lean against the pole and glare at the crowd. I can't blame them, why give it away for free.

Recommended treatment: Money. Once the dancer learns that she’ll make more money engaging the customers she’ll release her death grip on the pole. Also dancers tend to glare less when they are being tipped.


Stripper Munchausen By Proxy Syndrome
This is where the dancer need for money results more and more outlandish stories being told to customers in hopes of greater financial rewards through sympathy. Stripper Munchausen by Proxy is sometimes shortened to the term Stripper BS. Seriously, I'd like to record some of these stories. I wonder if she is playing a game to see how ridiculous of a story she can get away with. I really hate it when a dancer I've know calls me up because I'm her 'only hope'. She should have called Obi-wan Kenobi instead. I already pay good money for the pleasure of your company. Please don't expect me to pay for your bad judgement. The sad part is when I hear what's really going on from other dancers. The real reason for your cash short fall is you had to post bail to spring your deadbeat boyfriend, not your cat needs triple bypass surgery.

One dancer gave me a long sad story about how she spent her last pennies buying food for her cat instead of paying her phone bill. Now her cell was going to be turned off and if that happened she wouldn't be able to schedule, which means she wouldn't be able to work, which would get her evicted and she and her well fed cat would have to beg for money at a freeway off ramp. Then in the same breath she told me how happy she was with the results the tooth whiteners strips she just bought were giving her. Whitening strips or phone bill? Either you have the worst decision making skills ever, or you're dumb as a box of rocks, or you are trolling a line of BS hoping some poor schmuck bites to save you the effort of actually having to work. Probably a combination off all three.

Recommended treatment: None. The condition can be mitigated some by the application of extreme amounts of sarcasm when the stories start.



Clydesdale Tourette's syndrome
This syndrome presents itself in the form of the dancer obnoxiously clicking her heels together on stage like a draft horse trying to count to three. Sometimes the dancer will kick the stage or slam the pole up and down in its fittings. Ladies I'll let you in on a little secret about guys. We will always notice a naked woman on a stage. Always. Do you really think that we suddenly look up and wonder where you suddenly came from? Holy shit, a naked girl in seven inch heels standing in the middle of the stage, where did she come from? At a strip club no less, wow, who would have thought. Yes, the guys are ignoring you for all wrong reasons, but we know you are there. I know the purpose of clacking your heels is point out that the guys aren't tipping and hopefully shame them into doing right thing. Doing it too much is one of the few things a dancer can do to insure that I won't tip. Also, don't slam a spinning pole up and down it wrecks the bearings. Do this too much and girls who do a lot of pole tricks will begin to plot your death. Your car will explode when you go to drive home one night.

Recommended treatment: High explosives and detonator packed into her heels.


Dancer Zombification
This syndrome presents with  the dancer being so distracted on stage she appears to have no brain function. Zombification’s primary difference Poleo is in the fact the dancer is simply going through the motions, she is simply working through a well practiced routine being completely indifferent to the customers. This is one of the few things I can empathize with dancers. I done presentations at a some trade shows where I don’t see the crowd. I just mechanically plod through the presentation like I’m talking to myself. I can imagine a dancer doing the same thing. She walk’s up the stage, the exact same guys are there from the last time she was up. She know’s how much she’s going to get tipped, the guys reaction, and what mindless comments the DJ will make. Of course, the primary cause of Zombie dancers is Zombie customers. There probably is nothing worse than customers who just sit motionless at the stage.

Recommended treatment: Ethanol taken orally, stat.

Dancer FA

One of the colloquialisms at my work is 'FA'. FA is the acronym for failure analysis. This is where a customer will send in their dead unit and we’ll try to determine why it failed. I do most of these except for the high profile and really obscure problems. In the spirit of looking for simple things blog about i'll apply my meager skills to why dancers fail to get dances, more specifically why the dancer failed to get dances from me. I probably don’t represent the typical customer but I probably have pretty typical reactions to a dancers sales pitch.

Ask for the Dance

The number one reason why I did not buy dances from a girl is she never asked me. Ask for the dance, ask for the dance, and ask for the dance. When you wait for the customer to ask you are putting your fate in his hands. If I’m on the fence about whether to buy dances I’ll probably stay there. I’m not trying to be difficult but it’s my money you want me to spend. I’d rather get dances from somebody interested in selling them. The longer she waits the more likely I’m not going to buy dances. Occupy Wall Street, not my bar tab. Walking away absolutely guarantees that you won’t get dances. It doesn’t matter if he asked you to sit with him or you ask to sit. It doesn’t matter what you are selling dances, mutual funds or diamonds always ask for the dance. Ask for the sale.

It's about me

There are some subjects that will instantly shut down any desire for a dance. The most abhorrent to me is listening about how attractive somebody else is. I’m an unremarkable man with an unremarkable job that drives an unremarkable car to an unremarkable home. There are 168 hours in a week. I’m reminded constantly for the other 166 hours that I’m not an object of desire. I don’t want to hear it when I’m in a strip club and I sure as hell don’t want to pay for the privilege. I’m not asking to hear false platitudes about how handsome I am. Like asking for the sale, this isn’t something particular to stripping. If I were to go into one of my accounts and tell them how cool their competitor’s product was I wouldn’t live to see the end of the week. You are always tap dancing around the customer’s ego in sales. It might feel good to whack some guy’s ego but it’s not going to make you any money.

The customer is not your enemy

The last thing is don’t hate your customer. It always surprises me how often a dancer will plop down next to me with a thinly veiled expression of malice on her face. She’ll plow through a couple minutes of small talk through clinched teeth. Then snarl out some sort of snarky remark when I don’t buy dances from her. I didn’t force you to sit with me. If you’ve already resigned yourself to failing then nothing is going to stop you. Anybody who has sold anything has wanted to strangle their customer. There probably isn’t a week that goes by where I don’t want to beat some idiot engineer to death was his iPhone 4S. Siri, please contact the coroner I’m going to kill this idiot. I like to think myself as a relatively low maintenance customer but I know a few of my dancer friends have wanted to break a chair over my head.

Don't push yourself to far

One of those signs you’ve been hanging around at a strip club too long is when you’re asked to help educate new dancers. There is a piece of advice I always give out but I doubt ever gets followed. As soon as they can they should save two months of living expenses. I know this is a lot easier said than done, but dancing is very taxing both physically and mentally. Having a cushion to take a break can make all the difference. The pressure to make money can be overwhelming when your back is against the wall. This invariably leads to bad decisions.