The weather report

Living in Oregon you learn a lot of different terms for rain. It only rains once a year in Oregon, it just starts in September and ends in June. Since its always raining you need to ways to identify how much rain. It’s pretty much an art form all residents need to master in this state. Using my learned skills in advanced rain identification I decided to apply it to the strip club variety of rain.

Different types of strip club rain:

• Rain - $75 or more distributed on to the stage in a steady stream of dollars
• Showers - $50 or more distributed on to the stage in a steady stream of dollars
• Scattered showers – Less than $50 thrown with breaks when the customer looks around to confirm how cool he is.
• Isolated showers – Customer walks up with a stack of ones, throws $25 and stops. Spends the remainder of the song at the edge of the stage pretending he is strip club god. He fails.
• Scattered showers – Customer takes $25 and spits it up between two or more stages
• Drizzle - $5, customer acts like he just launched $500. Fail
• Sprinkle – less than $5
• Cloudburst - $100 or more, probably mechanically aided with a credit card. Will cause extensive damage to relationships when the credit card bill arrives.
• Deluge - $150 or more. Increasing rare event do to global warming and a crap economy.
• Hail – dollars bills wadded up and thrown on the stage. Not cool.

Your roommate might be a stripper

Every job has its peculiar skills and . Stripping is no different. Here are somethings I noticed that are associated with that job. Your roommate might be a stripper if


1) 10:30am is ungodly early in the morning, don’t dare call her.
2) She calls at 1am to just chat
3) Her nails are neatly manicured and her palms have callouses from pole work
(Did you just look at your hands?)
4) Within one week her manicure is completely wrecked
5) She knows where every restaurant is that will be open at 3:30am
6) She pays for a $70 item all in ones (cliche’ I know, but true)
7) Tennis shoes and flats are uncomfortable, but six inch heels aren’t
8) Glitter
9) She has $200 of MAC cosmetics in a $10 Target purse
10) She has friends with odd names like Ecstasy, Venus, and Chardonnay
11) The volume on her phone is turned up so loud you can hear her conversation better than she can
12) She buys more baby wipes than the Octomom
13) She can spot another dancer a mile away
14) She has a wheelie bag full of panties, lingerie, and platform heels in the trunk of her car.
15) She can fix shoes with crazy glue, safety pins, and scotch tape
16) She can look at a stack of one dollar bills and estimate its value with 99% accuracy or better
17) The sight of an open bottle of body lotion raises her blood pressure 50 points (if she does pole work)
18) She knows which nail polish and clothing will glow under black light
19) Arriving on time before 2pm is cause for high fives, fist bumps, and other celebrations.
20) You find dollar bills in floating in the washing machine when you do your laundry