101 uses for old stripper shoes, #37

Snow depth gauge

Just messing around

Just wasting time, playing around with the Nikon.

To Twerk, or not to Twerk?

I recently saw a Twitter rant about club that banned rap music, even though there are Rap songs specifcally written about strip clubs. Rock, rap, or opera the only thing that matters is is it any good? Honestly, most strip club specific songs are terrible. Once you get past the novelty of the song, they suck. They really suck at the ear splitting strip club volume levels. A song written specifically for a strip club, so what? I’ve riffed a Doctor Seuss poem into strip club specific version. Why not some other things? Maybe I can get these banned from strip clubs. Though I've never seen a stripper do a dramatic reading on stage.

How about Shakespeare for strip clubs:

To twerk, or not to twerk, that is the question—
Whether 'tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
The Slings and Arrows of outrageous customers and crazy strippers,
Or to take Arms against a Sea of unpaid bills,
And by opposing end them? To spin, to twirl—
No more; and by a sleep, to say we don’t want to be bothered before 1pm
The Heart-ache, and the thousand random fines
That dancers are heir to? 'Tis a consummation and really unfair, and mostly illegal
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep, to eat Taco Bell
To sleep, perchance to Dream; Aye, there's the rub,
For in that extra day of sleep, what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, and hit the snooze button and hope it rains next time


How about the Bible for strip clubs? I supposed this is blasphemous, but I really don’t care. Blasphemy is the original victim-less crime in my atheist opinion.



Genesis 1

New International Strip club Version (NISCV)

The Beginning

1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the strip club. 2 Now the club was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the stage, and the Spirit of God was hovering over in the manager’s office.

3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. 4 God saw that the light was good, and then added a smoke machine. 5 God called the light “day shift,” and the darkness he called “night shift.” And then he created shift fees, and a mid shift for girls who didn’t want to stay too late.

6 And God said, “Let there be a brass pole between the floor and ceiling to separate the strip club stage from all others.” 7 So God made the brass pole and separated the strip club stage from all others. And it was so. 8 God called the seats around the stage “the rack.” And there was evening, and there was morning—and there was late fees.

Maybe Poe’s the Raven, for strip clubs:

Once upon a strip club dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious songs of forgotten labels,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my corner table.
''Tis some dancer,' I muttered, 'tapping at my corner table-
Only this, and nothing stable.'

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate single dollar wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the server;- vainly I had sought to flag her
From my tips surcease of whiskey- whiskey for the lost last chance-
For the rare and radiant dancer whom the broke me from my trance-
Nameless here “wanna dance?”

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple lycra
Thrilled me- filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating,
''Tis some dancer entreating entrance to break my trance-
Some late dancer entreating entrance to break my trance;-
This it is, and wanna dance?.'

It doesn’t matter what it’s written about, it’s good or it ain’t. I work in engineering sales. There is nothing more annoying than a monumentally self-righteous customer. The customer is seldom right, they always want more for less. But the customer is paying the bills, so you have to listen to them.

The weather report

Living in Oregon you learn a lot of different terms for rain. It only rains once a year in Oregon, it just starts in September and ends in June. Since its always raining you need to ways to identify how much rain. It’s pretty much an art form all residents need to master in this state. Using my learned skills in advanced rain identification I decided to apply it to the strip club variety of rain.

Different types of strip club rain:

• Rain - $75 or more distributed on to the stage in a steady stream of dollars
• Showers - $50 or more distributed on to the stage in a steady stream of dollars
• Scattered showers – Less than $50 thrown with breaks when the customer looks around to confirm how cool he is.
• Isolated showers – Customer walks up with a stack of ones, throws $25 and stops. Spends the remainder of the song at the edge of the stage pretending he is strip club god. He fails.
• Scattered showers – Customer takes $25 and spits it up between two or more stages
• Drizzle - $5, customer acts like he just launched $500. Fail
• Sprinkle – less than $5
• Cloudburst - $100 or more, probably mechanically aided with a credit card. Will cause extensive damage to relationships when the credit card bill arrives.
• Deluge - $150 or more. Increasing rare event do to global warming and a crap economy.
• Hail – dollars bills wadded up and thrown on the stage. Not cool.

10 Internet things to let you know you are spending too much time at a strip club

1. You check out your favorite club on Google earth and spot your car in the parking lot (Not sure why I was there in the middle of the day.)
2. Your Facebook "People you may know" list is mostly strippers.
3. Your Instagram feed contains at least one picture of somebody's ass every day. 
4. While at work, you never ever check Snapchat at your desk.
5. You can tell which clubs a dancer has worked at by her Facebook friends.
6. Only your family posts on your Facebook time line before 11:30am
7. You immediately delete any picture meme that begins with "Bitches be like.." without reading further. Seriously, that meme can die now.
8. When you log into your Amazon account at work and a pair of 7" Pleaser clear heels shows up in the recent history section.  (No more Amazon wish lists) 
9. You have four different names and five numbers for one dancer in your phone contacts.
10. At least a quarter of the people you follow on twitter have the word 'glitter' in their handle.

101 uses for old stripper shoes, #21

Hot Wheels launching ramp

Group Hug

You can have a pod of whales, a pride of Lions, a murder of crows or a conspiracy of lawyers. So what would you call a group of strippers? I’m sure there is a real answer for that but don’t know what it is. So I’ll try to think of a name.

The grouping name (pride, pod, murder, warren, colony, etc) seems to fall into all types of words. Nouns, adjectives, verbs, etc... They can also be things, descriptions or pretty much anything else. I suppose the thing to explore would be stripper activities. You could have a hustle of strippers or a grind of strippers. A dance of strippers? Nah, none of those sound right. How about a strip of strippers or peel of strippers? A strip of strippers is actually kind of hard to say fast three times.It sounds like “Strip’ah Strippers”. It doesn’t roll off the tongue easy enough. I always associate peel with bells- not belles. Maybe a spin of strippers?

How about things associated with the club. A stage of strippers? No. Stage of strippers sounds like progressions in their career. (Baby stripper, Pro strippers, Burn out Strippers, psycho strippers, etc). How about a rack of strippers? I can hear the comments now “Look at the rack on that rack”. A rail of strippers? Nope. That makes them sound angry. Maybe a buzz of strippers if you take an alcohol or illegal substance tack.

Maybe something about how they affect the customers. A boner of strippers. No, that’s just wrong. A drool of strippers isn’t much better. From a customer’s financial point of view it could be a deficit of strippers. A deficit of strippers is usually what’s going on at the club on Sundays with a two girl rotation.

Perhaps it could be something to do with equipment. A heel of strippers? That has some unflattering connotations. A string of strippers? Nah, a bag of strippers? No, that has the same problem a heel has. I think if I said, “look at the bag of strippers over there”it would result in my untimely death. Maybe make up? It could be a blush of strippers or rouge of strippers.

Perhaps a strip clubs management’s reaction would be a good description: like a migraine of strippers or a pain of strippers. A shriek of strippers? I’ve heard some pretty unpleasant sounds coming out of the dressing room. My personal favorite is what usually happens when a group gets together with some alcohol liberally added: a drama of strippers.

I’m sure there are better ones. Post your thoughts in the comments, I’d love to hear some.

More ways to know your spending too much time at a strip club

This just another post about spending too much time at a strip club. For more check here and here.

• The girl in front of you at the check out line is buying false eye lashes, shoe no skid, baby wipes, breath mints and pays for it from a $90 stack of ones. You know what she does for a living.
• You know how thick a $90 stack of ones looks like.
• While taking your niece shopping for her birthday you stop by American Apparel. You know more people there than she does.
• The people you know have more tattoos than the people your niece knows.
• Your niece is both impressed and creeped out by this.
• You spend more time researching for your strip club blog than you do for your day job.