To Twerk, or not to Twerk?

I recently saw a Twitter rant about club that banned rap music, even though there are Rap songs specifcally written about strip clubs. Rock, rap, or opera the only thing that matters is is it any good? Honestly, most strip club specific songs are terrible. Once you get past the novelty of the song, they suck. They really suck at the ear splitting strip club volume levels. A song written specifically for a strip club, so what? I’ve riffed a Doctor Seuss poem into strip club specific version. Why not some other things? Maybe I can get these banned from strip clubs. Though I've never seen a stripper do a dramatic reading on stage.

How about Shakespeare for strip clubs:

To twerk, or not to twerk, that is the question—
Whether 'tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
The Slings and Arrows of outrageous customers and crazy strippers,
Or to take Arms against a Sea of unpaid bills,
And by opposing end them? To spin, to twirl—
No more; and by a sleep, to say we don’t want to be bothered before 1pm
The Heart-ache, and the thousand random fines
That dancers are heir to? 'Tis a consummation and really unfair, and mostly illegal
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep, to eat Taco Bell
To sleep, perchance to Dream; Aye, there's the rub,
For in that extra day of sleep, what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, and hit the snooze button and hope it rains next time


How about the Bible for strip clubs? I supposed this is blasphemous, but I really don’t care. Blasphemy is the original victim-less crime in my atheist opinion.



Genesis 1

New International Strip club Version (NISCV)

The Beginning

1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the strip club. 2 Now the club was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the stage, and the Spirit of God was hovering over in the manager’s office.

3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. 4 God saw that the light was good, and then added a smoke machine. 5 God called the light “day shift,” and the darkness he called “night shift.” And then he created shift fees, and a mid shift for girls who didn’t want to stay too late.

6 And God said, “Let there be a brass pole between the floor and ceiling to separate the strip club stage from all others.” 7 So God made the brass pole and separated the strip club stage from all others. And it was so. 8 God called the seats around the stage “the rack.” And there was evening, and there was morning—and there was late fees.

Maybe Poe’s the Raven, for strip clubs:

Once upon a strip club dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious songs of forgotten labels,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my corner table.
''Tis some dancer,' I muttered, 'tapping at my corner table-
Only this, and nothing stable.'

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate single dollar wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the server;- vainly I had sought to flag her
From my tips surcease of whiskey- whiskey for the lost last chance-
For the rare and radiant dancer whom the broke me from my trance-
Nameless here “wanna dance?”

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple lycra
Thrilled me- filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating,
''Tis some dancer entreating entrance to break my trance-
Some late dancer entreating entrance to break my trance;-
This it is, and wanna dance?.'

It doesn’t matter what it’s written about, it’s good or it ain’t. I work in engineering sales. There is nothing more annoying than a monumentally self-righteous customer. The customer is seldom right, they always want more for less. But the customer is paying the bills, so you have to listen to them.

Ten years after

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10 Internet things to let you know you are spending too much time at a strip club

1. You check out your favorite club on Google earth and spot your car in the parking lot (Not sure why I was there in the middle of the day.)
2. Your Facebook "People you may know" list is mostly strippers.
3. Your Instagram feed contains at least one picture of somebody's ass every day. 
4. While at work, you never ever check Snapchat at your desk.
5. You can tell which clubs a dancer has worked at by her Facebook friends.
6. Only your family posts on your Facebook time line before 11:30am
7. You immediately delete any picture meme that begins with "Bitches be like.." without reading further. Seriously, that meme can die now.
8. When you log into your Amazon account at work and a pair of 7" Pleaser clear heels shows up in the recent history section.  (No more Amazon wish lists) 
9. You have four different names and five numbers for one dancer in your phone contacts.
10. At least a quarter of the people you follow on twitter have the word 'glitter' in their handle.

Get off my lawn

You know you’ve been hanging out at strip clubs too long when you recognize songs that nobody else in your demographic can. The TitsandSass.com web site is running a March madness style contest to determine the greatest strip club song of all time.  The first bracket to show up was the Hip Hop/R&B region. I was amazed by the realization that I knew most of these songs. You don’t expect middle aged electrical engineers from Troutdale Oregon to know much about that bracket.

My only exposure to this music is at strip clubs. I still don’t like that style of music. But then again, I don’t like a lot of music from my generation. If a mysterious gamma-ray burst destroyed every copy of the Eagles music on the planet I would be a happy man. Even if it was just the song Hotel California getting nuked, I’d still be happy. Every last piece of vinyl, magnetic media, or flash memory version expunged from existence. That would be an awesome thing. I’d also be in church the following Sunday. The destruction of the Eagles would be proof to me that God exists. Which church would I go to though? Our lady of blessed high energy neutrons? Maybe the church of Elvis.

I’ve already explained why I think dancers are killing their money by playing music the crowd doesn’t like. Seriously, can you name one thing that was made better by somebody playing music you hate, very loudly? A stripper set doesn’t get better. I don’t care how sexy she thinks she is. Music shouldn’t be banned from a club. It’s her show, she can play what she wants. Just don’t get mad at the crowd when they don’t tip.

This still makes me feel like a grumpy old man. The first time I uttered the phrase “You call that music?” I stopped and mentally shut down for a couple seconds. The realization that I sounded just like my parents was sobering.  It’s music, but not music I like. Most of the stars of hip hop and R&B seem to have done pretty well without my patronage.

I’m half tempted to contact a Russian hacker friend to rent his botnet. I could probably get Barbie Girl voted in as the ultimate strip club song. That’s the only way that monumental annoying song would ever win. Barbie Girl winning would be proof that god doesn’t exist. Perhaps my money would be better spent on getting a classic rock song into the winners circle, any of them. Except Nickelback. How did they get in? That seems suspicious to me. Be sure to go the Titsandsass to vote. Even if just to keep Nickelback from winning.

My thought process at a strip club.

This Tim Minchin song pretty much vocalizes what is going through my head at strip club. Not safe for work obviously.

Two Dollar Socialism

The club I go to started giving out two dollar bills for change. So now you have to tip two dollars per song. I can’t really bitch too much. When went to my first strip club in the 80’s it was one per song. Thirty years later it’s still one per song at most clubs. I can’t think of anything else that has stayed the same price for so longs. From an economics point of view dancers made a lot more money back in the 80’s off stage. That 1980 dollar bought a lot more.

I have to admit I was a little irritated the first time the bartender counted back my change in twos. I was being indirectly told to start tipping two dollars per set. Nobody likes being told they have to spend more.  The switch to two dollar bills does change the strip club a little for experience for me.  

The biggest change is that I don’t drink as much. I go through my tip money a lot faster now.  I don’ t spend any more money than before. I suppose this is good for the dancers and bad for the owner. I also don’t spend as much time at the club. At the end of the day it’s probably better for me.

Another change is that the two dollars tip has evened out the amount I tip to each girl. Typically I’ll tip one or two dollars per song depending if I know the dancer or not. Then tip the dancer I went into to see much more. If I have $20 in tip money and there are five girls on rotation I’ll tip the four girls I don’t know three buck total for their set for a total of $12. I’ll then tip my favorite $8 for her set. Now each girl gets exactly four bucks. 

I think there might a bit of a blow back from the customers beyond having to tip more. The only place in Portland you get $2 bills are at strip clubs. If you pay for stuff with a stack of ones you might be a stripper. If you pay for stuff with a stack of two dollar bills you’re are definitely a stripper and, more importantly for customers, you were at a strip club the day before. Two dollar bills will probably replace glitter as the leading cause of guys getting busted for going to a strip club. Just for the record Bank of America ATMs and 

Albertson’s self serve machines will take two dollar bills.

If the customers organized the two dollar bill tip thing is something they could get rid of. Simply at the end of the night get change for a twenty then walk out. There are only so many two dollar bills in circulation. If you get enough customers a walking out the door with change they’ll deplete the supply of two dollar bills in the club.

Some things never change

There are eternal battles; Cats vs. Dogs, Ninjas vs. Pirates, Coke vs. Pepsi, and Strippers vs. Managers. I had a chance to ease drop on an all dancer meeting at a local club. I wasn't invited of course, but the meeting went much longer planned. The meeting that was supposed to start promptly at 2pm, started more toward 3ish, and was still going long after club's opening time.

When I walked in Sunday all the lights were on and the dancers were gathered around a stage, being lectured to by a manager. It’s always really odd to see the club under normal lighting. The perception of size is completely changed. The normally dark interior walls appear much closer in the light making it almost claustrophobic. The dancers all look really different too, specifically they look much shorter. Normally you only see dancers when they are in six inch or higher heels. Suddenly they’ve all shrunk, like walking into a stripper hobbit hole.

Once I figured out what was going on, I scuttled off to the video poker machines to occupy myself and listen in to the meeting. It reminded me of some of the horrible meetings I’ve been stuck in, where some manager feels the need to lecture you on a bunch of issues you know better than he does. The manager was going on an on about dancer breaking rules to the dancers that don’t beak the rules because the dancers that break the rules tend not to show up on Sundays for meeting about not breaking the rules.

The rules in question were the rules that managers always seems to go on about. The dancers looked simultaneously tired, bored, and annoyed. After listening to the manager for a little bit I was bored, tired and annoyed too. After thinking about the meeting for a couple days I decided I would weigh in on these eternal conflicts, to give an outside point of view.

Bitch #1 Make it to stage on time

When a dancer hears her should drop everything and race for the stage like she’s being paged by St Peter at the pearly gates, at least that’s manager seem to suggest. For the most part, I’ve got agree with the manager on this one. As a customer it sucks sitting staring at an empty stage. It’s surprising how fast it become uncomfortable. I start to think about getting up and going to the bathroom, or getting a new drink, or heading home to catch the Big Bang Theory reruns. If the club is reasonably crowded it’s to the dancer advantage to make it to the stage on time. The rack is going to empty out pretty quickly if people are left waiting too long, Every customer that leaves is money walking away from the stage.

However when the club is empty the manager needs lighten up. If all the customers are sitting at the bar or hiding out at tables it really doesn’t matter if the dancer zooms up to the stage. There’s no point to breaking an ankle for four bucks and frankly, the customers have already left the stage before the last song ended. Yet the manager seem’s to ignore this fact. You should train dogs if you want absolute obedience. 

Bitch #2 Show up with your hair and make up done

Honestly, this should be rephrased be ready to start when your shift begins. I can understand this one. I’ve personally ranted about dancer’s cliché lack of promptness on multiple posts. A lot of dancers roll in a couple minutes before their shift starts, report in, then spend the next two hours getting ready. Whether they arrive two hours early and get ready or get ready at home really doesn’t make a difference. You’re either ready or your not. I’ve noticed that a speed at which a dancer gets ready is directly proportional to the amount of money being tipped on stage. People are much more prompted when there’s money to be made at the time. However it isn’t fair to the dancers that did get ready on time for the others to shift on time when it’s slow.

Bitch #3 Let the DJ know when you’re doing dances

This one seems straight forward but tends to be much more difficult in practice. The strip club is probably the worse place for communication short of combat. You have loud music, lights, and alcohol. I’ve watched DJs and dancers talk to each other and carry on completely different conversations. Then walk off not realizing that other had no clue what the other person said. “I’m going to being doing three songs in the VIP” from the dancers turns into “I’m going to be free after this song” for the DJ, which turns into argument when the DJ calls her to stage in the middle of her dances.

Sometimes the situation prevents the dancer from being able to communicate with the DJ. We customers can be a pretty flakey bunch. Once a dancer finally gets a customer to agree to do dances she needs to get him back to the champagne room before he can change his mind. Trying to track down the DJ or get his attention can be impossible. This is one situation where the manager needs to be able to figure what’s going on when conflict occurs..Just blaming the dancers isn't right thing to do.

Bitch #4 Always order the expensive drinks

This is one rule that does more harm than good. Sure, short term it might boost bar sales but it pisses of the customers. In my opinion its too the dancers advantage to order cheap drinks. Every dollar the bar takes is one less dollar she can get. Dances cost $20 bucks. If cost of the drinks is $21 for top shelf, instead of $17 the extra four bucks just cost the dancer $20 bucks. Once I break a twenty that's one less dance I can buy. It also makes guys more difficult to dance for. If the dancers isn't going to respect me, why should I respect her? 

Bitch #5 We’re not the dirtiest club in town, so clean up the dances.

This rule usually lasts for a couple weeks before things go back to where they were. I’m glad I didn’t hear this rant or I probably would have been kicked out of the club. The manager used such a flawed argument to make his point I probably wouldn’t have been keep my mouth shut. The manager claimed that when he started in the industry fifteen years ago girls were making $700 or more a night doing air dances and none of this extra stuff was needed. He also claimed that back then girls were lining up to work at this club and they should feel lucky to be here.

Apparently the manager lives in a time warp and has missed the fact the world has changed in the past fifteen years. Fifteen years ago the economy was starting the dot com boom. The clubs were much more crowded fifteen years ago. People had a lot more money to spend. Back then I used to take off from clubs at 8pm because they got so crowded there was no place to sit. Now I could probably park my car next to the stage at 8pm and there still would be room for everybody. Apparently the manager hasn’t noticed that things have slowed down a little since then. 

He also neglects to mention that all the clubs were doing air dances in Portland at the time. This led to my own misadventure the first time a dancer sat down in my lap in Texas. Now if a club tried to enforce that everybody will just head down the road to next club. All the dancers I know don’t want to get groped of $20 by some random guys off the street. But that’s the current environment right now and a lot of dancers are going to do what they need to pay their bills.

He also mentions that there were dancers waiting to work for the club. This implies that they were limiting the number of dancers that could work there. This is a noticeable change from the current policy of letting any dancer with a pulse and stage fees show up and work, regardless of how many girls are already there. You get 30 dancers chasing 10 customers and the rules are going to become optional pretty fast.

Arguments like this just make everything worse. Dancers will just look at the manager like he’s an idiot and ignore him. You have no credibility when ignore reality. I don’t mind working for jerks if they are will to deal with the facts. Somebody who makes up an imaginary world to work in is impossible to deal with. I'm sure this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to strip club management lunacy. 

How safe are clubs?

KPTV - FOX 12

I got asked about the recent shooting at the Mystic Strip club in the comment section of a previous post.  After doing a little research it appears that neither the victim nor suspects were customers. The club is just where the tragic incident occurred. There is nothing strip club specific about the incident. But it does raise the question, how safe do I feel at a strip club?

When I first start hanging out the club I was apprehensive. I had the same faulty thing most people have of strip clubs. That stripping is immoral, therefore immoral people (criminals) hand out there. Now I’m not even sure what I was thinking. This is definitely a case of my preconceptions being completely wrong.

The media will always trumpet report anything that happens at a strip club. They will always be sure to put “strip club” or “stripper” in the headline. Not because it’s particularly relevant, but it gets people attention and it will get better ratings. I’ve noticed that most news media now is more interested in ratings than reporting the facts. When you have a problem at strip club you automatically have sex indirectly involved. Sex sells news reports.

Get rid of the live entertainment and a strip club is just a bar. The safety of the club comes down to how its run and its location, just like any other bar. If a club takes security seriously will be very safe. If they have enough bouncers that are actively watching the crowd, you usually won’t run into problems. Bouncers are an active deterrent. Strip clubs tend to have more bouncers on staff than a typical bar.

I’ve noticed that strip club bouncers also tend to be more aggressive than typical bouncers. They have the added concerns of money and naked women. Dancers have to collect money from customers. I don’t care what business you are in, collecting money from customers can always be problematic. This usually doesn’t affect the honest customers as much since they are neither naked nor trying to collect money.

The serving practice’s of the bar also makes a big difference. The only time I’ve had real issues at a club has been with absolutely wasted people. Really hammered people do stupid things. A club that is willing to cut people off early won’t have as many problems as a place that lets patron get smashed. The fact that there are strippers doesn’t make a difference. It’s just simply they way the club is operated.

In my opinion the biggest factor in safety is what neighborhood the club is in. There are good neighborhoods and bad neighborhoods. You are far more likely to be victim of a crime in a neighborhood with a high crime rate. I’m more concerned with safety in the parking lot of the club in a bad neighborhood than when I am in the club itself. Again then it comes down to how the club is operated.

Strip clubs tend to be a bit more concerned about what goes on in the parking lot than typical bars. Dancers are escorted out to their cars at the end of their shift. A lot of dancers also smoke, which usually means there is somebody outside watching the parking lot grabbing a quick smoke between sets. The dancers have a vested interest in making sure the customers are safe. When you add the number of dancers in with normal bar staff there are simply more eyes watching what is going on.

In the 10+ years of hanging out at strip clubs I’ve only been two incidents that involved a bouncer having to intervene. One was a result of my own stupidity; the other was an encounter with drunk. Some guy who should have been cut off much earlier in the evening decided that I had taken the table he was sitting at. I staggered up to my table and began bitching at me about taking his table. Before he finished his drunken rant the bouncers had walked over and escorted him away.  

I’ve only seen one actual study that compared crime at strip clubs to other bars. Of course I can’t find it now that I’m writing about it. But it compared reported incidents at a strip club with another bar of similar size in the same neighborhood. The strip club came in with a lower incident rate. The police spent more time at the other club than the strip club. I don’t think the lower rate was because strip clubs have fewer problems, I think it was mostly because the strip club had bouncers on staff every evening, while the other club only had bouncers on the weekends. Problems that required the police to be involved at the regular club were taken care of by the bouncers at the strip club.  I think the ultimately result of the study was there really isn’t any difference between the two establishments.

The biggest problem with strip club safety is public perception. People have preconceived notions of strip clubs being dens of iniquity. The people who work and hang out at strip clubs must be morally corrupt. The reality is that the people who hang out at the clubs are your neighbors. The people working there are just trying to make a living and have a vested interest in keeping you safe. If you don’t feel safe at a club, you are probably not going to come back. That’s a quick way to go out of business.

Strip Club food Safety, revisited

I decided to revisit the strip club restaurant inspections reports. In general they improved. None of the clubs were under 80. This is an improvement over last time when two clubs in in the seventies. There were two noticeable exceptions. Casa Diablo (The Vegan Strip club) went from a perfect 100 to 86. Apparently they had no hot water when the inspector arrived. They got the hot water fixed, but that's always a little scary to hear.

Violation 3G, Critical Violation of OAR 3-501.16 Potentially hazardous food is not maintained at proper hot or cold holding temperatures, specifically:	Main prep cooler is holding at 60F. It was found out that the breaker had been tripped a few hours ago and had been turned back on and was cooling back down to 41F. Foods inside were not out of temperature for longer than four hours. The machine will be checked again to make sure it is holding below 41F.
THE ABOVE VIOLATIONS ARE CRITICAL ITEMS. These items were corrected at today's inspection. Please monitor to ensure that these violations do not recur.

The other exception got my attention since it was the club I hang out at. They nearly got shut down. When the inspector arrived on 5/17/2012 one of the prep cooler's had tripped the breaker and the food had gotten warm. 

iolation 3G, Critical Violation of OAR 3-501.16Potentially hazardous food is not maintained at proper hot or cold holding temperatures, specifically:	Prep cooler is holding foods at 43F-48F. All potentially hazardous foods were discarded after discussion. At the last inspection it was found that the breaker to the machine had been tripped. Today, this was not the case and the machine has been on all day. Have the machine serviced professionally, clean the condenser coil and make sure hot foods are not placed inside. A recheck will occur to check compliance. If this machine is not working properly and there is potentially hazardous foods inside at the next inspection you facility will be closed by this department.
Violation 990, Critical Violation of OAR 333-157-0030 (3)THE ABOVE VIOLATIONS ARE CRITICAL ITEMS. They must be corrected IMMEDIATELY or have an approved alternative procedure in place which must be corrected within 14 days, or the designated time period. Failure to correct these critical violations within the designated period may result in restaurant closure in compliance with Oregon Administrative Rule 333-157-0030. A reinspection to determine compliance will be made within 14 days.

The inspector came back week later and it appears that the cooler was working correctly but they had not gotten the unit serviced. Apparently the inspector wasn't to happy with the laissez faire approach to maintenance. The owner decided to throw out the old machine and buy a new one. 

Rule Violations and Requirements	Comments
Violation 3G, Critical Violation of OAR 3-501.16 Potentially hazardous food is not maintained at proper hot or cold holding temperatures, specifically:	Main prep unit observed holding foods between 42F and 47F. This included steaks, hamburger, and dairy products. The operator discarded the entire prep unit at inspection and will work from other refrigeration until another unit can be purchased.
Violation 99J, Not Critical Violation of OAR 333-157-030(8); RESTAURANT CLOSURE/UNCORRECTED CRITICALS All critical items have not been corrected. This facility is closed. This facility may reopen after 24 hours if: A) A recheck inspection by the Assistant Director confirms that all critical violations have been corrected; B) A closure dismissal order issued by the Division is delivered to the operator or person in charge; and C) The closed sign previously posted is removed by the Assistant Director. A restaurant may be reopened earlier than 24 hours following a voluntary meeting attended by the restaurant operator or person in charge, the Assistant Director, and the inspecting sanitarian, at which the provisions of subsections (A) through (C) of this section are demonstrated to be met.
An establishment that requires more than two reinspections per licensing year will be subject to an inspection fee for each additional inspection.

Sometimes I really wonder why owners decide to skimp on spending. Had the breaker tripper again the would have gotten shut down. There's probably more to the story, but this doesn't look to good. I rarely eat at strip clubs. I always assume the cook uses the same bathroom I use. That usually kills my appetite.

The number in parentheses is the change from the last inspection

Acropolis	90 (+15)
Blush	92 (-4)
Boom Boom Room	96 (+10)
Bottom's Up	90 (-6)
Cabaret II	92
Casa Diablo	86 (-14)
Dancin' Bare	85 (-12)
Devil's Point	89 (-5)
Dolphin 1	87 (+1)
Dolphin 2	86* (+3)
Double Dribble	84 (-8)
Dream on	91 (-8)
Hawthorne Strip	86 (+1)
Jody’s	100 (+1)
Lucky Devil Lounge	91 (+1)
Lure	96 (+19)
Mary’s	100(+12)
Montegos	98 (-1)
Nicolai st	100 (+2)
Pirate’s Cove	97 (NC)
Riverside Corral	95 (-5)
Safari	98 (+4)
Sassy’s	80 (+6)
Soobie’s	89 (-8)
Star’s Cabaret Beaverton	94 (+9)
Star’s Cabaret Bridgeport	91 (+8)
Sunset Strip	95 (+6)
Tommy’s Too	88 (-10)
Wild Orchid	98
Union Jack’s	88 (-4)

Washington County

Multnomah County

Clackamas County

Smile, you're on candid camera

The club I hang out at has put cameras in the VIP area. I have to admit I’m a little creep’d out by them, I’m not sure why. It’s not like I’m going to get black mailed over anything. Strip clubs are still at the edges of acceptance in society and now there is an unambiguous record of me in one.

Not like writing a blog for five years hasn’t left a trail. But I have the illusion of control with my blog. I can make it harder to find. There is no take back’s on the internet though. Go to www.archive.org and type in a URL. You can find a lot of old web site information this way. A lot of folks were using archive.org when the AngryStripper temporarily took her blog off line to read her old blogs. In one form or another, the information is there forever once you post it. Honestly, nobody at my work or in family would really care but there is always that uncertainty. The unknown is usually scarier than any possible reality though.

The setup they have at the club is wireless, which makes me wonder if they’re using any sort of encryption on the data stream. They could be broadcasting all the goings on in the VIP to the local area, with sound. Some wireless cameras can broadcast up to 150ft. That might shock the nearby neighbors who are setting up their video baby monitor. They might get treated to a free VIP show. It will make it easy for the police, they can just park out front and record it on a DVR. Hopefully they have some sort of encryption on the signal so what happens in the VIP room stays in the VIP room.

Time will tell I guess. Of course they have the infrared (IR) night vision in the VIP. I was able to see it with my phone. If you want to learn a poor man’s secret agent trick there is a way to find IR spot lighting. IR is invisible to the human eye. A lot of security cameras come with banks IR LEDs so they can light up the room for the camera with people being able to see it. The camera senor on your phone can see the IR lighting though. To test this just look at the IR LED on your TV remote control through your self phone camera, like you are going to take a picture of it. Then push a button on the remote. You can see the LED flash on your cell phone camera, but you can't see it with your eye. You can use your cell phone to search for hidden IR cameras. Just turn out the light and look around the room with the cell phone camera. The IR lighting will glow really bright.

I suppose I’ll eventually forget about them. A middle aged man at a strip club is about as exciting as watching paint dry. Some times it pays to be boring.

Sometimes it hurts to read the ads

I’m setting my snark mode to eleven. I admit up front on this post I’m being heavy handed. Ultimately I am a customer, so everything I do is from that point of view. I feel like I'm mostly fair, except for one topic. There is one thing about the strip club world that is just so stupid I can’t look at it with doing a face palm every time. What is this black hole of cultural despair? The monthly magazine strip club advertisement. Every time I look at these ads my IQ drop slightly. I’ve decided to create a secret decoder ring for those folks who can’t believe the ads are really as bad as actually are. The following blog post is completely unfair. I don’t care. They are idiots.

Here are the most common points made on virtually every Strip club ad and what they really mean.

Strip club ad claim #1: We have ice cold beer.

What does this really mean? We have a functional refrigeration system. Nothing more. When I walk into a club with naked woman on stage do I care if the beer is ice cold? No. I’d be happy if they just had a bigger selection of beer than the local 7-11. Most strip clubs don’t. They have a couple taps of horrible, water down, over priced, least offensive product they can sell to the largest demographic. Its miserable stuff only made tolerable only because of its proximity to boobs.

Strip club ad claim #2: We have the friendliest wait staff in town.

No you don’t. The ads make is sound like their wait staff is the only friendly one in town and all the other waitresses are just axe wielding homicidal maniacs. They are all axe wielding homicidal maniacs. Especially when you tip the 25 cents on an $18 dollar drink order. Actually the wait staff is your best friend at the club. Take care of you waitress every chance you get. She can make your life so much better when you run into a psycho stripper. Most waitresses are all the same. If you treat them right they will treat you right.

Strip club ad claim #3: We have comfortable chairs and cozy VIP booths.

No you don’t. You have furniture that most humans would throw away after a nuclear apocalypse. Let’s be realistic, you’ve got beat up furniture and couches you couldn’t give away at Goodwill. Periodically, I feel the need to burn all my clothes I wear to a strip club. I recently had a chance to see the couches from a strip club outside in the light of day. It was disturbing. I understand that a strip club is hard on the assets. But it’s nothing to brag about.

Strip club ad claim #:4 Come see our special event, it’s so special.

Except for the flyer taped the door that you don’t read anyway, you wouldn’t know anything special is going on except the DJ is a little more incoherent than usual. I have walked out of the club a couple times not realizing that there was a “major event” going on until I saw the sign on the door when I left. Stapling decorations from the Dollar tree on to a couple walls does not create an epic event. The only thing I found consistent about special events is that they screws up the drink service. The waitresses just spend their time tripping over crappy decorations trying to get to the bar.

Strip club claim #5: We have the hottest dancers.

Of course you do, all the other clubs just herd cattle on to the stage. The reality is that most of your dancers worked at other clubs and will bolt to new clubs as soon as you jack up the stage fees or do something else completely stupid. I know you have to say you have the best dancers in the ad. But try and figure out some sort of other angle. Like maybe you have really hot dancers that can carry on a conversation longer than “Wanna dance?” That’d be awesome.

Strip club claim #6: We have an address.

The club’s address is usually tucked away unobtrusively on the bottom of the ad or next to the logo. Most of the time you’d wouldn’t notice it, The reality is THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT FUCKING ITEM ON YOUR AD! Unless the customer can find your club everything else on the ad is pointless. Seriously, most of the people reading your ad probably don’t know where you are. Who cares if you have friendly wait staff and the hottest dancers with classiest furniture if you are lost in the Bermuda Triangle. Your ad looks just like all the other ads in the magazine. If there is one thing you want your customer to know is where to find you. Make sure that when they see the ad they come away with that information.

OK, blood pressure lowering, bile depleted. Now I’m can go to bed knowing I just made the world a little bit better for truth, justice and the strip club way.

A new look for Todd

There are few dancer accoutrements that are so universally reviled at glitter. You can tell by the aliases glitter, “Slut Dust”, “Clitty Litter”, and “Divorce Dust”. The basic problem with glitter is when one dancer wears glitter, all the dancers wear glitter. And occasionally some of the customers.. The stuff goes every where, including the customers. I’ve never been married so I never had to deal the “divorce dust” issue, but it has lead to a couple of embarrassing moments.

I try not to categorize people just because of their profession, but strip club owners can be some of the cheapest bastards on the face of the earth. They tend to cut corners on things like drink napkins, light bulbs, or furniture. I know when the club was having a good month because they would have a new bungee cord to pull the men’s room door closed. During bad months the door would just kind of hang there. If you want more privacy you need to buy more drinks.

Another favorite method of saving money owner’s employ is not turning on the heat. I’ve seen owners standing in jeans, sweat shirt, and coat thinking the heat is fine while the dancer dressed in a g-string and little else is freezing to death. I stopped by the club during the spring time. It was nice and warm during the days but the nights still got cold very quickly. It was one of those freezing nights in the club. I wore my black vest the entire time I was there.

The following morning I threw the same black vest on again and headed off to work. We were doing some testing on a display that was going to be installed in an ATM machine. If you visited a Bank of America ATM recently you were using the LCD module we we’re testing that day. On displays used outdoors we do a day light readability test. Basically you blast the display with light and make sure you can still read it. By blasting light I mean 100,000 lux. Most homes are lit at 150 lux. We’re talking a bank aircraft landing lights all pointed at small spot. Part of my job is to make sure the electronics works. Because of the heat generated by the lights we keep the optical lab as cool as possible between tests so I was keeping my vest on.

During the test I had stepped in front of the lights to check something when I heard laughter break out behind me. Then I heard “Holy shit Todd, that’s a new look for you”. I turned around confuse. “Dude, it’s your vest. You look like Liberace”. The back of my best was covered in glitter. In the test lights I twinkled like a planetarium exhibit. Apparently I had sat down in chair slathered in clitty litter. “Why didn’t you invited any of us along” one of the others guy quipped. One advantage of working in a sales and marketing group is you don’t have worry about people knowing you hang out in strip clubs. More than likely they are spending more time there than you are. I took off the vest.

The Pitiful Princess

I recently read an article on Oregonlive about an exchange between a strip club owner and a columnist for the Oregonian. The author used deceptive tricks to promote a personal agenda instead of forming solid argument. I understand this is an opinion piece but and not an investigative report, but I just can’t pass up pointing out some of the methods she uses.

“As a feminist, I find strip clubs offensive and worry that they contribute
to violence against women and sex trafficking.”

She doesn’t like strip clubs and admits it right up front. But she couples the admission with a couple of accusations or violence and human trafficking.

Do strip clubs contribute to violence against women? Let’s do some quick math. The Washington and Oregon have dramatically different laws regarding strip clubs; consequently there are significantly more clubs in Oregon than Washington. I think Mcloughlin boulevard in Portland has more strip clubs on it that the entire state of Washington. Oregon has a population of 3,826,000. During 2009 there were 1167 forcible rapes in Oregon. If you divide the population by the number of rates reveals that one person out of 3278 was a victim of rape. In Washington (population 6,664,000) there were 2539 forcible rapes, which gives a rate of one person out of 2624 was a victim. Despite the fact their higher number of strip clubs, Oregon has a lower overall rape rate. This is a single data point, but at least it based on real information.

The accusation of sex trafficking I find extreme. Exactly why would a strip club owner want to get involved with sex trafficking? Dancers pay the strip club to work there. Exactly what would the advantage of sex trafficking be? The owner is losing a source of income. A club owner would risk a serious jail time to replace dancers that pay to be there. Why? A club is going to be inspected by the health department, the OLCC will make undercover checks, and random people (including police) will be walking in off the street. Not to mention other dancers trying to audition there. Trying to keep something like this secret in a strip club would be impossible.

By phrasing it in terms that “she worries” the author can cast any sort of accusation without having to provide proof. It’s her opinion. As long as it’s your own opinion you can make any claim you want regardless of facts. A lot of anti-strip club folks use this tactic. Since most of the public is unaware as to how clubs operate and what really goes on there, most people will accept accusations as fact. The other advantage is that it difficult to refute these types accusations. She wrote exactly one sentence of innuendo but it takes me an entire page to put together counter argument. An author can bury a subject in bullshit this way.

The author continues on the major point of the article; she doesn’t like the name ‘The Pitiful Princess’ for a strip club. I actually agree with her here but for different reasons. The name is stupid. Outside of it being alliteration, it has no other redeeming value from a marketing point of view. Why would you associate the word pitiful with your business. But it's his business so he can call it what ever he wants.

The author’s issue is a bit different. In her opinion his business name is offensive to the neighborhood. Since little girls are usually into being a princess and this will force parents to explain strip clubs to small children. I have five nieces and at some point in their life they’ve all been into princesses. They also wanted to be ballerinas and Broadway dancers too. I’ve been in that exact position. I was taking my niece to Fred Meyer’s in Beaverton when we drove past Stars Cabaret. My niece saw ‘Cabaret’ and got really excited. She wanted go there on her birthday and see the ‘cabaret’ dancers. I just simply explain to her that it was just a fancy name for a bar and there were no ‘Cabaret’ dancers. She was disappointed but that was the end of it.

I know that it’s always not that simple. There are a lot of bad things in the world I don’t want to have to explain to children. The author reasoning goes adult (sex) businesses should not use anything in their marketing that could be strongly associated with children. The problem is where do you draw the line? By picking a something very subjective you can bend the rules to what suits your agenda. Little girls are also really into cosmetics should Club Rouge change its name?

If you expand the concept to include adult issues that aren’t sex related a lot of fairy tales become bad things. Hansel and Gretel has cannibalism. The Princess and the Pea has a very subversive message, that the somebody is better purely because of their heritage. Basing somebody’s worth by the situation of their birth is the basis of bigotry. Should we censor the story?

The author is very honest in her opinion, she doesn’t like strip clubs. The problem is a starts with ideology then tries to make the facts fit it. Would the author be so upset if the Pitiful Princess was a second clothes store? Probably not. Most of the anti-strip club folks operate this way. They start out with an agenda and begin looking for any facts that support their opinion and ignore all the facts that don’t. This is a typical method a politicking. Where I have problem with articles like this is they take focus off where it should be. Sex trafficking is serious stuff, why focus on strip clubs when they aren’t the problem. It just wastes time and resources.

The author is complaining about the name, but a lot of groups are trying to shut down businesses using the same type of logic. There are a lot things out side my door I don’t like. Just because I don’t like them and find them uncomfortable doesn’t mean they should be banned.

Can you find the strip club?

I was reading through the SOS website about how strip clubs attract crime to neighborhoods. According to SOS they don't pay taxes either. Just out of curiosity I did a little research on line to see if I can this trend. A Stars Cabaret strip club open not too far from me. So I check the local crime statistics to see what kind of impact it has. After examining a few of maps I decided to make a test. After examining the maps for yourself, can you find where the strip club is? Note, these maps show all the crimes committed between March 2010 and February 2011. If strip clubs are ground zero for crime, it seems logical that crime should be the highest at or near where the club is.

First map is simple assault, because people always get in fights in strip club parking lots:

This one is sex crimes. Only crazed perverts frequent strip clubs

Strip clubs are fronts for prostitution! I know this because I read it on the SOS website.

This is for drugs. All strippers are drug addicts or going to become drug addicts.

DUIIs because everybody is always hammered at strip clubs

Disorderly conduct, just to cover other things like pissing in the parking lot and flashing cars as they drive by.

Can you guess where the club is?

I can't really draw many conclusions with these maps. The club doesn't seem to really be central to anything. I can't see any real impact. Perhaps I need to accumulate more data. But how could you separate crime from the club and crime from the mall across the street? I'll see if I can get data from before Star's Bridgeport opened and after it opened.

The problem I have with the SOS website is they throw up a bunch of unsubstantiated claims then run with them as if they are scientific facts. Their first claim is the clubs "avoid paying taxes". Do strip club owners cook the books? Undoubtedly, but do strip club owners do it any more than other businesses? I don't know myself. But without any quality studies I can't make or refute the statement. To make a naked assertion without facts is completely unethical.

They treat workers as independent contractors to avoid employment taxes and fair employment laws. There is some truth to this. It seems to me it be better to actually deal with unfair practices rather then just jettison the whole thing. I'm wonder if they are so concerned about the working conditions of the people who make their clothes or electronics.

Strip clubs also do nothing to maintain their buildings or grounds ignoring county and city codes. Exactly where do they get the data for this? I did a survey of clubs for health department inspections. The clubs were all over the map but they all passed. This accusation is just made up. If they are going to try and change the laws they should base their arguments on real data. These are laws that affect peoples lives. They shouldn't be based on made up data.

Group Hug

You can have a pod of whales, a pride of Lions, a murder of crows or a conspiracy of lawyers. So what would you call a group of strippers? I’m sure there is a real answer for that but don’t know what it is. So I’ll try to think of a name.

The grouping name (pride, pod, murder, warren, colony, etc) seems to fall into all types of words. Nouns, adjectives, verbs, etc... They can also be things, descriptions or pretty much anything else. I suppose the thing to explore would be stripper activities. You could have a hustle of strippers or a grind of strippers. A dance of strippers? Nah, none of those sound right. How about a strip of strippers or peel of strippers? A strip of strippers is actually kind of hard to say fast three times.It sounds like “Strip’ah Strippers”. It doesn’t roll off the tongue easy enough. I always associate peel with bells- not belles. Maybe a spin of strippers?

How about things associated with the club. A stage of strippers? No. Stage of strippers sounds like progressions in their career. (Baby stripper, Pro strippers, Burn out Strippers, psycho strippers, etc). How about a rack of strippers? I can hear the comments now “Look at the rack on that rack”. A rail of strippers? Nope. That makes them sound angry. Maybe a buzz of strippers if you take an alcohol or illegal substance tack.

Maybe something about how they affect the customers. A boner of strippers. No, that’s just wrong. A drool of strippers isn’t much better. From a customer’s financial point of view it could be a deficit of strippers. A deficit of strippers is usually what’s going on at the club on Sundays with a two girl rotation.

Perhaps it could be something to do with equipment. A heel of strippers? That has some unflattering connotations. A string of strippers? Nah, a bag of strippers? No, that has the same problem a heel has. I think if I said, “look at the bag of strippers over there”it would result in my untimely death. Maybe make up? It could be a blush of strippers or rouge of strippers.

Perhaps a strip clubs management’s reaction would be a good description: like a migraine of strippers or a pain of strippers. A shriek of strippers? I’ve heard some pretty unpleasant sounds coming out of the dressing room. My personal favorite is what usually happens when a group gets together with some alcohol liberally added: a drama of strippers.

I’m sure there are better ones. Post your thoughts in the comments, I’d love to hear some.

More thoughts on pricing

I was originally going to post this blog in the form of a debate: Customer vs. Dancer "What should the price of lap/couch dance be?" I was going to try debate a dancer via e-mail. I would start with a statement and make a short argument. Then send it to her for her to argue back. Do that a couple times, then blog the result. When I began to outline my arguments one thing became apparent: I had no moral grounds for my arguments. By saying prices shouldn’t go up, I’m basically saying dancers should make less money. As the cost of living goes up dancers have to work more to maintain the same level income. That kind of killed my enthusiasm for the debate. I’ll try to think of something else. Do any Dancers have any topics they’d like to debate with a customer?

I still put some time into the subject and will post my thoughts. In my opinion, one major logistical issue preventing prices from being increased is the current denominations of money. A stage tip is still a buck. It was a buck in the 1980s when I went to my first strip club. This is nearly three decades (at least) of a frozen price. The next denomination up is the two dollar bill. More practically it’s a five dollar bill. Two dollar bills represent less than 1% of the money currently in circulation. Requiring two dollars would work just as well. The problem is that that is a 100% increase in pricing. There is no intermediate step

Couch and lap dances don’t have quite the same pricing shock. A five dollar increase is a substantial increase but not extreme. There are barriers to raising prices but nothing overwhelming. The real barrier (in my opinion) is the club owners. I’m sure all the dancers reading this are rolling their eyes as I state what is hugely obvious to them.

The dancer work situation with the club owners is peculiar. The idea of contracting out space or time from somebody else isn’t unique. Conceptually it isn’t much different from a vendor renting space at a Saturday market or a sports venue. This includes setting prices. What is hugely different for dancers is they actually have to compete with people who they are paying stage fees too. Every dollar that customer spends on drinks, food, or cover charge is a dollar he is not spending on the dancer. Most guys don’t have separate budgets for drinks and dancers. Dancers are all at once: a customer, employee and competitor with the club owner.

The customer/employee relationship is exactly the same business relationship I have when I do a trade show. They tell me when and where I have to be and when I have to show up. Part of the contract with the exhibit hall is that people will be present to operate the booth. They also have rules of conduct. If you show up late or act like idiots the exhibit hall can kick you out of a show. The only time I’ve seen somebody kicked out was for problems with payment. I’ve walked onto the show floor to start up the exhibits and the booth next to us is gone, now replaced with a 30’ x 30’ piece of blank carpet. Exhibit halls will put up with a lot except not getting paid. However, if the Exhibit hall tried to compete for my customers I’d blow a head gasket.

I don’t see pricing changing soon. There is no real incentive for owners to increase the tip or dance prices. It potentially cuts into the owner’s revenue and gives customers a reason to visit clubs that have lower prices. The owners are actually better off keeping the price low. I’m not sure how you would encourage the owners to raise the prices. It would take some sort of worker's strike. Unfortunately, as long as there is an endless supply of new dancers there won’t be a way to increase the price. The one dollar tip at the rail and the $20 lap dance have become the token amount.

I think most dancers look at their job as only temporary situation. They really don’t consider it a long term possibility. Because of that they are more willing to accept the pricing controls. I’m willing to fight for major changes in my career. I’m not going to take on an employer for a job I don't plan on keeping.

More ways to know your spending too much time at a strip club

This just another post about spending too much time at a strip club. For more check here and here.

• The girl in front of you at the check out line is buying false eye lashes, shoe no skid, baby wipes, breath mints and pays for it from a $90 stack of ones. You know what she does for a living.
• You know how thick a $90 stack of ones looks like.
• While taking your niece shopping for her birthday you stop by American Apparel. You know more people there than she does.
• The people you know have more tattoos than the people your niece knows.
• Your niece is both impressed and creeped out by this.
• You spend more time researching for your strip club blog than you do for your day job.

Making the A list

I have one personality quirk about clothes. Texture is more important to me than the color or fit. I like soft clothes. I’m really not that concerned about color matching. If my socks are the same color when I leave in the morning, I am dressed to kill. It’s not that I don’t understand how colors match. They're just not important to me. I don’t care what color my sheets are but they have to be 400 thread count or better.

I really don’t know why texture is important to me. The only thing I can think of is that I’m really near sighted. I spent most of my early childhood not being able to see much around me. Neither of my parents or any of my siblings needed glasses. I’m the only person with a really heavy prescription. Since nobody in my family needed glasses, nobody expected me to need them. In school I was able to fake my way through the eye tests up until the fifth grade. The result was that I never really saw the chalk board for the first five years of school. I was smart enough to get barely passing grades by doing homework and listening to the teacher. It’s kind of amazing I got as far as I did in school. I’m really amazed that I didn’t get killed riding my bike around. If I new how little I could actually see I never would have ventured out on to the street. It was an absolute revelation when I did get glasses as to how much I was missing. I remember not wanting glasses because I didn’t want to get teased. Once I got them, I didn’t care about getting teased. While I didn’t learn much from school, I did learn to do a lot of things by feel.

Maybe being near sighted has nothing to do with it all but that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Wearing soft clothes to strip clubs is one of my secret weapons. I stumbled upon this purely by accident. I bought a microfiber shirt that is almost velvety. I wore it to the club one night (mostly because it was the only clean shirt I had). I was really surprised by the reaction the shirt got from dancers. You sometimes get not quite sincere compliments during the dances. People are more complimentary when you are paying them. I tend to ignore them. However, the reaction I got afterward was amazing. For the remainder of the evening I was constantly getting touched, stroked, or randomly hugged by dancers when they walked by me. Getting fondled (for free) is always a good thing for a strip club patron.

It really became noticeable when a lot of dancers start to take note when I didn’t wear my soft shirts. The first words out of their mouth after hello would be “why are you wearing that shirt?” I actually began to sort my shirts in terms of having an A list set, B list, and everything else. A lot of dancers find this shirt sorting totally amusing. I suppose this is another sign you’ve been a strip club customer too long when you start planning your wardrobe around visiting the club.

I’m pretty sure a couple of my shirts are more popular than I am. If I don’t wear them for a little bit dancers will begin to ask if the shirts are OK. That’s fine with me though. I’d rather be remembered for this than being a creep.