Customer Support

I try to avoid making general assumptions, but generally speaking, dancers are way more open and honest about their sexuality then most other women I know. Conversations I couldn’t imagine having with my female co-workers wouldn’t even raise an eyebrow with dancers. Add some alcohol and you can get some really interesting phone calls.

It’s not uncommon for me to get text messages at 3am from dancers. They are just getting off work and most of their friends are still up. I’ve turned off the text chime on phone so I can sleep. They can text away all they want. I’ll read them in the morning when I get up. I rarely get phone calls, when I do it’s usually a butt call. If a dancer calls me, I’ll just let it go to voice mail. I’ll check the voice mail with the text messages in the morning.

So I didn’t answer the phone late one night in February. I didn’t pick up when it rang again five minutes later. When it rang a third time I picked up. If somebody is going to call me three times its probably important. Caller ID helps too, there are a lot of folks I’d just turn the phone off if they called me in the morning. My initial thought was she was stuck some place and needed a ride. I was wrong. Here is the conversation as best as I can remember it. I’m sure I got minor details wrong here and there, but the gist is of the conversation is correct.

Me: Hello
Her: I need your help!
Me: err, umm, What?
Her: I need you help.
Me: What’s wrong?
Her: My vibrator is broken.
Me: What?
Her: My vibrator is broken
Me: Are you serious?
Her: Yes, I’m serious
Me; You’ve got to be kidding. Is it like stuck some place or something?
Her: No, don’t be an ass.
(About this time I notice she’s slurring her words)
Me: Are you drunk?
Her: Doesn’t matter, can you help me?
Me: Just buy a new one
Her: I don’t want a new one, I want this one.
Me: What? You’re hammered.
Her: This one is special
Me: Special? That’s seriously stupid. Just buy the same model
Her: No, I’ve had this vibrator longer than most of my boyfriends
Me: Is this something to be proud of?
Her: You’re being an ass. I want it fixed, can you help me?
Me: Now?
Her; No, not now it’s late
Me: No shit, why did you call me then?
Her: I need to know, can you fix it?
Me: The vibrator?
Her: Yes the vibrator. What do you think I’m fucking talking about, I thought you were smart?
Me: Not at 3am.
Her: So can you fix it?
Me: Maybe, depends on what’s wrong. What does it do?
Her: Nothing
Me: Does the on/off switch feel normal.
Her: It doesn’t have a switch, it has a dial
Me: OK, so does the dial feel normal?
Her: Yeah, I guess. I don’t know
Me: Does it make any noise when you turn it on?
Her: Nothing
Me: It’s just dead then?
Her: Yeah
Me: I dunno, I might be able to fix it, depends on what failed. If the motor burned out you’re screwed. If the dial or a battery contact broke I can probably fix it.
Her: Batteries…………Oh, shit
Me: You’ve got to be kidding…. (call ends) …You didn’t replace the batteries?

I don’t think she remembered much of the call when she sobered up. Next time I talked to here she acted as if the call never occurred  For the technically curious this wasn't Savannah from the Good Vibrations post. I guess I can go to work as customer support for a sex toy company if I ever lose my job. It’s always good to have a back up career.

Good Vibrations

If I had a bucket list I should be able to tick something off now. I helped a dancer friend pick out a new vibrator. I know it’s kind of boring but there are worse problems to have. It all started out with off hand comment Savannah made about needing a new vibrator. Her current one was a gift from a friend and beginning to die. Savannah (not her real name) was feeling a little uncomfortable about buying a vibrator by herself.

I have to admit it initially struck me a little odd that a stripper would be uncomfortable buying a sex toy. I guess that no matter how enlighten I think I am toward the strip club world I still harbor my hidden stereotypes. I think you need to put yourself in uncomfortable places from time to time to see different sides of yourself. Anyway I got over my surprised and we figured out a time to meet a local Fantasy Video store.

I arrived at Fantasy Video early for our appointment. I almost always arrive a little early for appointments, I hate being late. I pulled out my smart phone and started to play a game waiting for Savannah to arrive. Normally this isn’t a big deal, but I quick began to feel rather weird sitting in a sex shop parking lot watching people come and go. I felt like a spy watching people when they didn’t want to be watched. Fortunately Savannah showed up right on time. After a quick hello we went in.

We headed over to the vibrator isle. I really didn’t feel out of place in the store. I think my lack of awkwardness was a result of how comfortable I am with Savannah. I suspect with most other dancers I would have been turning various shades of red. Savannah is one of those rare people who’s so down to earth and fun to be around that even awkward things are entertaining.

We were speaking in hushed tones like we in a library. We were just looking at items in a store (that happen to vibrate) but somehow talking about vibrators seemed like something you keep to yourselves, which is kind of absurd when you are in an aisle surrounded by vibrators. I supposed blurting out “Look at the size of that one!” wouldn’t be appropriate.

Savannah wandered down the aisle looking at the surprisingly wide variety of items. I went into engineering mode and began to estimate how much it would cost to make a vibrator. Most of the wand shape ones probably cost less than $5 to make. I also noticed that a fair number of the models had the exact same shape and injection molding marks. They were probably made on the exact same production line with the same parts. Some were just in fancier looking packages with higher price

tags.

We rounded the corner I found the more upscale models. I’ve heard of rabbit vibrators, but I’ve never scene one. My first impression when I saw it was “why does it come with a bottle opener?” I know it’s not a bottle opener but that’s what went through my mind. I think this is a result of being a teen in the 1970s. The twist off cap hadn’t made it to beer bottles yet. If you were going to go out drinking on a regular basis, you better be pretty adept at opening beer bottles with common items not normally used for bottle openers. Most car seat belts work perfect for opening bottles of beer. I still keep a church key in my car.

Savannah narrowed her choices down to two models of the bottle opening rabbit vibrators. She handed one to me and asked what do I think? The honest answer would have been “I have no idea”, but since I’m an engineer I always assume my opinion is important regardless of my actual knowledge so I invented something on the spot. The plastic was actually clear and you could see part the vibrators internal workings. This particular model had the additional functionality of a massage mechanism. It had two concentric plates that spun around a shaft. They looked exactly like cutting wheels on a ditch digging machine. Considering the intended use of the device, anything that looked like it could cause damage would be bad. “I think the other one is better”, it had a series of roller bearings that look like something from a massage chair. After a few minutes of consideration Savannah decided she’d ask the folks behind the front desk for their opinion.

On the way to the desk Savannah stopped by to look at some panties. I stood by quietly while she browsed. I almost started browsing as well, but considering my tendency to feel the texture of clothes first I probably would have looked a little creepy. Wandering around fondling underwear probably would have not turned out well. I decided to just keep my hands in my pockets.

I was surprised at the counter the clerks offered to put batteries in the vibrators so Savannah could see how they worked. In a matter of seconds both devices were primed and loaded. I was handed one of them. I’ve scene TV remote controls with less buttons. In cartoons there is always the one character that has to push the button, even if he doesn’t know what it does. That’s me.

I had to push the button. The biggest button in this case, since there was a variety to chose from. Amazingly the vibrator started to vibrate (imagine that) with a low hum. I pushed the button again assuming it would switch off. Instead the vibrator shifted up a gear in intensity. I quickly punched the button. The vibrator went into overdrive. The hum had turned into a low growl. I felt a mild panic rise in my stomach. I hit another button. Instead of shutting down the bottle opener attachment started to buzz. The growl picked up a new tone and turn into a yowl. I’ve always considered myself technically savvy, but I was at a loss here. I felt my ears start to turn red. I should have just asked for help. Instead I just started mashing buttons down until the damn thing eventually went silent. I’m not sure what I hit but I didn’t care at the moment.

I traded with Savannah, this time carefully handling the device to prevent any further damage to my ego. Savannah eventually selected one and the purchased was made. We said good bye and Savannah headed home. I got home and decided to look up how a rabbit vibrator is used online. I had a pretty good idea, but just wanted to confirm my suspicions. I was amazed to find some instructional web sites that look like public service announcements that would help you have “years of enjoyment with your new purchase”. Some people take their sex toys very seriously. I wasn’t able to locate an instruction manual. I’ll keep looking, next time I’m going to be better prepared. I’m not going to be outwitted by a vibrator next time.