You know you’ve been a customer at a club too long when….

You know you’ve been a customer at a club too long when….

1) A dancer you've never seen before sits down with you says "Hi Todd, I've heard about you"
2) You walk into the club and sit down. The waitress brings you your drink without asking. And it's the drink you were going to order.
3) You find the pen you dropped last week in between the couches.
4) You get really irritated that somebody has beaten your high score on your favorite video crack game.
5) You have a favorite video crack game at a strip club.
6) You actually have several video crack games at a strip club.
7) An established dancer introduces you to a new dancer like a museum tour guide talking about an exhibit: "This is Todd, he's a nice guy. He knows what going on. You can always sit down with him if you have any questions."
8) You spend twenty minutes lecturing a new dancer on who are the cool dancers, who are the crazy dancers, and who are the queen bees.
9) The dancer thanks you the next week about how your advice saved her a bunch of drama.
10) A dancer calls you to get the phone number of another dancer.
11) You've mediated a beef between two dancers.
12) A dancer coming off stage gives you her tip money and purse to hold while she's goes to the bathroom.
13) You sort the money (same side up, facing forward, in ascending dominations) and put in her purse. She thanks you without counting it.
14) A waitress give you back your change from a drink you bought last week.
15) You know the actual first names of all the dancers working a shift.
16) Dancers call you to find out how busy it was at the club last night and ask your opinion on if they should go in tonight.
17) You've been carried out of the club on a stretcher by paramedics.
18) You know the best places to park your car where it won't get hit.
19) A dancer hands you a hundred dollar bill and asks you to hold it. Then she walks away without explaining. (She eventually asked for it back)
20) The term song (as in "I go up in two songs") is a perfectly valid measurement of time.

All these things have happened to me, I'll add more as I remember.

The rumor mill

This is probably, no not probably, is a rather sexist observation, but if you take a dressing room full of women, liberally add alcohol and nicotine, you will get enough gossip and rumors to defy belief. I'll use myself as the example. I've been asked on at least six different occasions "are you" or "who long have you been dating X". Every time I get asked this I'm always left flummoxed.

In most cases I've become friends with the dancer in question. The fact she seems to spend a lot of time with me with out getting paid is enough to start tongues wagging. Several dancers used to hang out with me as a safe harbor. They could sit out on the floor without fear of getting bothered by customers or other dancers. That was back in the day, dancers used to have more business than they wanted. They also didn't want to go back in the dressing room either, too crowded or too much drama going on in there. The fact that I'd buy the drinks didn't hurt either. Some dancers would also leave their purse with me. I hate that. The worse thing in the world is to have to go to the bathroom, but I can't because her purse is at the table. What do I do? Take the purse with me to the bathroom? Somehow I think that might look a little suspicious. I can't leave it unattended at the table. So I sit there with my legs crossed. Occasionally I'll get a smart ass remark from a waitress "you purse is soooo cute", (you got to be kidding, do you think I'd wear that purse with these shoes, ugh). But obviously if she's going to spend more than the minimum amount of time and leave her purse (i.e. money) with me, we must be dating. Doesn't really add up, but it makes a good story.

There are a lot of dancers and former dancers that I'm friends with outside the club. We call each other, trade e-mails and text messages and even occasionally meet for lunch or coffee. Consequently I tend to know about how they are doing. The fact I know that a dancer is now working at X, and her sister is working at Y, and her son is doing well in school. This means that I communicate with them. Nothing more. Twice I've been asked "How do you know that? Are you two dating?" No, I know these things because I actually listen when people talk to me. I even return phone calls and texts. Well usually I do. This kind of reminds me of conspiracy theories. A conspiracy theory is much more exciting than the mundane reason. The rumor that dancer X is dating a customer is much more juicy.

Other industries have rumors as well. But in the twenty plus years of working in hi-tech, I've only been accused of dating co-workers once. What's really odd is that of the three dancers I have dated, nobody suspected them. Actually I've only really dated one dancer. Of the other two, one was kind of flakey and I never really figured out her intentions. The other was just playing me for money, a lot of money. More about that in another blog.

You said what to me?

Every so often a dancer will say something that completely catches me completely of guard. It's usually nothing profound, just something a little off. Just something that makes me step back and take a closer look. Sometimes its something that makes me choke, wondering why I walk into the club.

The last time it was one of those slightly off comments. A dancer who I've known for a long time sat down next to me. It was a really slow night, very few dancers, even less customers. We exchanged the usual pleasantries, and then she told me "I have an assignment for you, I want you to watch me when I'm up next and tell me what moves make my ass look like cottage cheese". I sat there with a blank look on my face. Er, you want me to tell you when you look ugly? I wasn't expecting this. After sobering up a little (this always adds a perspective) I'm guessing that she was just trying to get me to watch her much closer than usual. Draw me in to her dancer charms and ignore all those other money draining distractions. In a perverse sort of way it worked. I dutifully watched her assorted ass specific poses and rated the dimple factor. I'm pretty sure she didn't care. When she sat down after her set she ordered a plate of cheese fries. If she was really that worried I don't think she would have bought a plate of cheesy good ass padding. I'm still wondering if I should have taken the fifth.

Sometime I hear something that just really annoys me. Miss Nude Oregon 2004 sat down with me once. She then noticed some other guy in club. She then proceeded to spend the next 20 minutes (I was counting) telling me how cute this other guy at bar was. There are 168 hours in a seven day week. 166 hours of that week I'm very aware that I rank somewhere between invisible and Ben Stein. The couple of hours a week I'm in the club, I want to at least think that I'm worth talking to. I don't want to listen about how she wants to be somewhere else. I figured out a long time ago that most dancers have at least one serious boyfriend (if not more) or are married. They aren't hanging around a club looking to meet somebody old enough to be their father. I understand this, but I don't want it jammed down my throat. There is one precious fantasy I hang on to, maybe they can be my like me a little and flirt with me, knowing that it won't go any further than that. If you think that flirting consists of telling a person that you find somebody else much more attractive, you really missing the point. She is one of the few dancers I've asked to leave me alone.

Another dancer said something to me that made me cringe and want to crawl away. At the time I was one of her regulars that had been buying dances from her for a couple months. She asked me to do double dances with another girl, so she could get the dances over with faster. Whoa, buzz kill. Nothing like hearing that she can barely tolerate being in your presence to make your day. This is one of those things that taints everything you hear afterwards from a dancer. No matter what a dancer says to me, I always hear that voice reminding me that I'm just a necessary evil with money.

Then you hear something that make you wonder why you have anything to do with the whole disgusting business. A dancer (a single mother) I knew fairly well sat down with me after doing some dances for anther customer. She had an unfocused stare that faded off into the distance, like she was trying to imagine some far off place. She said in a quite voice "I hate it when a guy gets me on the couch and tells me I look just like his daughter, and he wants to fuck me". My naive mind couldn't believe somebody could say this. To see the effect a statement like that had on her really rattled me. Am I as ugly as those ones who use environment to pantomime their dark fantasy? Am I deluding myself to think that I'm any better? Their money is exactly the same color as mine. Do I really have any better intentions? I want to believe so. Ultimately we are both in club paying for a fantasy. Mine is more palatable than his for most of society, but they are both fantasy. Are we really different? I'm not sure. I also felt incredibly distant from somebody I considered to be a friend. How do I comfort her? Can I comfort her without appearing like some false shell of compassion?


I didn't go back into a club for six months after that incident. I eventually convinced myself that the business was going to go on whether I showed up or not. Somehow I played by the rules and that made me better. I don't think I've every fully resolved this dichotomy.

The Blackbook

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Seven habits of highly effective strip club patrons

And then there’s me, Patron yes, highly effective, er, no. I have noticed some habits I picked up while talking to dancers. My goal is always trying to make the girl feel at ease. As a new customer I’m guilty to proven innocent. There are some definite things that will put a dancer on edge. Oh, there aren’t seven habits here either.

Where you put your hands is critical. This may seem so obvious, that you’re probably going "DUH", but it’s actually a lot more subtle. For the obvious "DUH" reason, I’ve noticed that dancers always follow where your hands are. Recently I was getting a dance, keeping my hands in the 10 and 2 o’clock position. One of my hands slipped slightly. Much to my amazement the dancer noticed it. Some dancers are almost hypersensitive. I always try to keep my hands visible, and this may sound a little strange, keep the palms of my palms turned away from the dancer. Your hands communicate what you are thinking. An obvious example of this is to walk up to a dancer with hands in front of you, palms turned to you like you’re a Cardiologist going into surgery and she’ll look at you your crazy. Walk up to her with hands turned toward her like you are going to grope her and you will probably get a chair broken over your head. The may be an over simplified example, but your hand will indicate intent. I will always pull my hand away if I brush up against the dancer. It respects her boundaries,

I try to be very careful when I’m talking to a dancer. Don’t assume that you are the smartest person at the table when a dancer sits down. I’m always amazed at the guys who decide they are going to do clinical analysis as to why she is working as a stripper. Ultimately they come across as a judgmental Neanderthal idiot, I can only imagine they must sound like "Why for you have nekkid job? Conan not know why, school should you go". (Actually that kind of sounds like a Cro-Magnon Yoda). The Star’s TV add with the cavemen is probably more telling than it initially appears.

I worked as a gas station attendant when I was in college. A lot of people would talk to me like I was an idiot because I worked gas station. I hated that. Worse yet, they would tell me the biggest pack of lies, assuming that I wasn’t smart enough to see through. Its probably one of the few things I can empathize with dancers.

Anything that could be taken for trying to find out personal information I’ll avoid. I don’t ask what’s you real name, where did you go to school, what kind of car you drive, where did you go to school, etc. Virtually every dancer I know has been stalked or pestered by a crazy customer. I have a tactic I use when a dancer reveals more about herself than she planned to. As she becomes more comfortable with you she might let some things slip out (especially if she drinks).When a dancers lets something slip, I play stupid (something that comes naturally) I act like I didn’t notice. I wait for dancer to mention a subject three times before I assume that she doesn’t care that I know.


Now I’ll get to some of more odd habits. One dancer once told me she hated when a customer counted out the money after buying some dances. After that I always separate out the money before I get dances. When I pay for the dances I just hand the bills to her all at once.


Basic hygiene goes a long way as well. I’ve actually be complimented because I smelt clean. I guess that showering thing really works.

She said, She said

I'm friends with a couple different clique's of dancers and some of the bar staff. It's always interesting when some sort of drama goes down in the club I'll get to hear multiple sides of a story. Recently a local sports celebrity came in and created reasonably large uproar. Big enough to warrant an article in the sports section of the newspaper.


I was in the club the following Sunday when I first heard about it. It was a fairly vitriolic second hand account of the event. According to this version the celeb came in with his normal entourage, which also included a couple of girls (Ho' bags was the exact term used in the dancer's retelling). The celeb and company then proceeded to take over the back stage. They had their girls "audition" for the club on the back stage. The girls proceeded to pretty much put on a risqué show (risqué for strip club!) which pretty much took everybody attention from the other stages, leaving those dancers high and dry (no tips). While the "audition" was going on the back stage another girl who was a friend of the dancer on the main decided to jump on the stage and do a two girl show as well. Partly was to help her friend, partly to make a point to management to either enforce the rules or not. The manager proceeded to ask the defiant dancer to get off the main stage, and was ignored by the performers. Eventually the defiant dancer got off and headed back into dressing room. One of the auditioning dancers broke a glass on stage during their performance. Then they proceeded to do some floor work, which resulted in assorted lacerations and blood on the stage. This upset the other dancers. Most dancers aren't real excited in perform on stage that looks like a crime scene. At to that the possibility of assorted blood born contagions. The auditioning girls then headed into the dressing room to clean up, generally infuriating the regular girls.

A couple days later I was talking to another dancer who was there and got a somewhat different spin. The same basic series of event happen but she made it sound like it was much more like a actual audition, and that it was only shifted to back stage at the request of the celeb. She made no mention of blood, broken glass, or any other hazmat issues. She also implied that most of the furor was from the girl on the main, who was really upset over getting upstaged by a couple of outside girls. The defiant dancer was totally wrong to ignore the manager. She also added that a reporter from the local news paper was there.
Today I got a third take on the event which matched the blood soaked, ho' bag version. Added now was the fact that the auditioning girls never filled out any wavers or tax documentation and the defiant dancer was fired. Of course getting fired at the Dolphin means you can't work their next week. I think the only way a dancer could ever get fired is to steal something from the owner. I'm sure committing a homicide would only result in a suspension (as long as no club property was damaged).

The truth is probably some where in between. The ho' bag versions are second hand, the girl who gave me the first hand account is not the most accurate reporter. She was tipped really well by the celeb, which would definitely color her version. I also know the girl who was upstaged on the main, I can definitely see her getting really mad about that and start a fur ball.

A little research on the internet and you can find also sort of events that occur when this celeb shows up at a strip club. This concerns me a little, since a couple of these event resulted in gun fire. I really don't like the idea of anybody carrying firearms in a strip club. Combining guns, alcohol, money, and naked women will definitely end up in a confrontation somewhere. It's actually amazing how quickly news of this spread across the blogosphere. In the grand scheme of things this is fairly minor event. I really doubt reporter was there. From what I can gather off the blogs the paper found out about this through a ticked off dancer/bar staff.

Poachers and Stalkers

When the club gets really slow there are a couple of tactics some girls use that put me on edge. I usually talk to the same girls, and for the most part I get left alone by the rest. When dollars are scarce, the normal etiquette falls by the way side. Normally I can deflect things, but sometimes I can't. Other times it just blows up.

Stalkers
Stalkers wait for the first possible moment that acceptable dancer etiquette allows and dive at the first opportunity like a blitzing linebacker. Typically if a dancer is sitting with a customer, the other girls will leave that customer alone until she's done. Stalkers do everything but walk up and talk the customer. The first thing they do is what I call the "drive by". They will walk by your table slowly, repeatedly, trying to make eye contact with you. They'll walk behind and brush up against you. I've had girls literally sit a table facing where I was sitting, like they are waiting for a starting gun at a track meet. Normally attention like this is a very rare and desirable thing for me. The strip club environment is far from normal. Dancers can be very territorial, in broader scheme sales people tend to be very territorial. It can be hard enough to make a sale, its get harder when you have somebody trying to get at the same dollars you are. In a purely competitive point of view they are your enemy.

I've watched a lot of confrontations start like this. Some dancers will intentionally take their time just to irritate the stalker. Other will just sit and get angry at the thought of somebody else trying to get at their dollars. Even if the dollars are still residing in my wallet. About I'll I can really do is be a loyal customer and ignore or blow off the stalker. This won't really put off the stalker, but it makes the regular girl lest agitated if she's confident that she's secure. If also interesting to watch dancers work in pairs trying guard a customer. I have been literally tag teamed by two dancers just be sure I wasn't left unattended and open to a stalker. Sometimes it can be entertaining, mostly it's a pain. I hang out at clubs to relax and have fun, not get caught up in turf war. I odd part is in the scheme of things I really not that big of tipper. There are a lot of other customers that spend way more money than me. About the only thing I have is that I'm about as painless as customers get. I suppose when the pool gets small enough I become a big fish.

Poachers
Poachers simply ignore etiquette and will walk up at the first unattended moment and hustle you hard for a dance. Typically if you are a known regular of dancer, most will leave you alone until she stops by. Poachers will instantly be at your table, with the "Hi (honey/good looking/handsome/insert false platitude here), how are you doing, hey lets go do some dances? All usually come back with my usually reply "I'll have to play hard to get, I'm waiting for so and so". Most of the time they'll come back with "I haven't seen her here tonight. I don't think she's coming in" counter. When a dancer (or any sales person) is obviously lying to make a sale it's a bad situation. By this time a most of the other dancers have noticed that the poacher is at work. The gossipy dancers will immediately report this to the regular girl. From my point of view this is where things end for me. Once the poachers figures out there's no money to be made the head else where. However, things will get finished off back in the dressing room. I was watching one poacher at work with a different customer. This guy was a pretty big fish, from what I was told he'd drop between $1000 and $1500 bucks when he'd come in. This is money worth fighting over for a lot of dancers. About five minutes after the poacher went back into the dressing room the DJ announced "All bouncers to the dressing room, all bouncers to the dressing room". A major dancer fur ball was going down.