Get off my lawn

You know you’ve been hanging out at strip clubs too long when you recognize songs that nobody else in your demographic can. The TitsandSass.com web site is running a March madness style contest to determine the greatest strip club song of all time.  The first bracket to show up was the Hip Hop/R&B region. I was amazed by the realization that I knew most of these songs. You don’t expect middle aged electrical engineers from Troutdale Oregon to know much about that bracket.

My only exposure to this music is at strip clubs. I still don’t like that style of music. But then again, I don’t like a lot of music from my generation. If a mysterious gamma-ray burst destroyed every copy of the Eagles music on the planet I would be a happy man. Even if it was just the song Hotel California getting nuked, I’d still be happy. Every last piece of vinyl, magnetic media, or flash memory version expunged from existence. That would be an awesome thing. I’d also be in church the following Sunday. The destruction of the Eagles would be proof to me that God exists. Which church would I go to though? Our lady of blessed high energy neutrons? Maybe the church of Elvis.

I’ve already explained why I think dancers are killing their money by playing music the crowd doesn’t like. Seriously, can you name one thing that was made better by somebody playing music you hate, very loudly? A stripper set doesn’t get better. I don’t care how sexy she thinks she is. Music shouldn’t be banned from a club. It’s her show, she can play what she wants. Just don’t get mad at the crowd when they don’t tip.

This still makes me feel like a grumpy old man. The first time I uttered the phrase “You call that music?” I stopped and mentally shut down for a couple seconds. The realization that I sounded just like my parents was sobering.  It’s music, but not music I like. Most of the stars of hip hop and R&B seem to have done pretty well without my patronage.

I’m half tempted to contact a Russian hacker friend to rent his botnet. I could probably get Barbie Girl voted in as the ultimate strip club song. That’s the only way that monumental annoying song would ever win. Barbie Girl winning would be proof that god doesn’t exist. Perhaps my money would be better spent on getting a classic rock song into the winners circle, any of them. Except Nickelback. How did they get in? That seems suspicious to me. Be sure to go the Titsandsass to vote. Even if just to keep Nickelback from winning.

Music Matters

There are things I understand and there are things I get. By ‘get’ I’m mean I really get all the subtleties and implications of a concept. I understand wearing open toed six inch plastic platform heals is difficult. Do I truly really get the amount of difficulty? No, I don’t. The idea that my toe nails need to be presentable is completely alien idea to me. I have ten toes. I see them every morning when I put my socks on. Could I pick them out of police line up? Probably not. I genuinely don’t care what my toe nails look like. Nor do I feel the need to be able to pick them out of a police lineup, since I’m attached to them. If there ever is the case I have been separated from my toes, I probably don’t want to see them again. Do I understand why dancers need to get pedicures yes, do I really get it? No.

I think this is the level of understanding most dancers have toward music. The problem with music is everybody has different taste. What I like, what the person next to me likes, what the people at the bar likes are most likely different. This is really true for customers, since the age range a customers can be extreme. Customers can be anything from twenty one to ninety one. Dancers get that most of the customers probably don’t listen to the music they pick for their set, but they don’t understand the true effect.

I will tip more for a dancer who plays a song I like. I will not tip a dancer who picks a song I hate. I’m generally pretty neutral toward the music being played. It falls into a kind of necessary evil to me. I understand that what I listen too is now classic, or Jurassic rock. I don’t like rap. Rap to me is just beat poetry, without the beat and without the poetry. If I ruled the world Dubstep should be expunged from the human experience. Unfortunately for me (and fortunate for everybody else) I don’t rule the world so Dubstep exists. When I go to strip club I expect to hear music I don’t like. It is a treat to actually hear music I like.

However, I pay for privilege to be at the club and I’m going to control to the best of my ability where my money goes. I listen to dancers talk about how they like to dance to a particular song. The song makes them feel sexy and they feel like they put on a better show and make more money. I personally don’t believe this. I’ve watched dancers perform to songs they like and songs they hate. The actual difference is pretty negligible if they tried to dance. Some dancers just stop and glare at the DJ if they don’t like the song. Stopping in the middle of song is the problem, not the song. Stopping will also affect her money. If I want to watch women standing still and do nothing I’ll buy a magazine.

I recently watched a dancer perform to “Bridge of sighs” by Robin Trower. She made at least eighty dollars for her set. This was during an early evening weekday shift when most girls were making ten dollars total per set. The money can mostly from the three middle aged customers. The mid shift at a club seems to be the Rogaine shift. It seems like that's the time most of the customers are my age. Speaking from experience middle age guys come in earlier because they don’t like to stay up late. The dancer was playing music that customers at the time liked. This is smart. Play to the crowd. They are where you are going to make your money.

I’ve also seen dancers play music to punish a crowd. I’ve heard hard core rap played at ear splitting levels because the dancer was having a bad night. She wasn’t making any money. Apparently it didn’t occur to her that playing music the crowd doesn’t like will affect her money. Again, I’m paying for the privilege to be there. Why do I want to pay to listen to music I hate?

You are not sexier if you are playing music I hate. Would you think a male stripper was sexy if he had Foghat or Rush blasting through the speakers at ear drum rupturing levels? I actually like Rush, even though Geddy Lee is probably one the most annoying singers ever. If you could teach squirrels to sing they would sound like Geddy Lee. I understand this, I get this. Just because you like music doesn’t mean everybody else does. Don’t expect people to pay to listen music they don’t like.

101 uses for old stripper shoes, #21

Hot Wheels launching ramp

That awkward moment

Customers have awkward moments too:

That awkward moment

1.         When you realize you’re drooling in the middle of a lap dance
2.         When you ask a dancer to get off of you
3.         When you realize what that tattoo actually is
4.     .    When you realize you’re covered in glitter
5.      .  Your leg falls asleep during a lap dance
6.         When you see the dancers lips move but you can’t hear a word she’s saying over the music
7.         When you realize the dancer has passed out in the middle of a lap dance
8.         When you realize she is as dumb as the rest of the dancers say she is

My thought process at a strip club.

This Tim Minchin song pretty much vocalizes what is going through my head at strip club. Not safe for work obviously.

What's your real name and why should I care?

One question that consistently irritates dancers is ”what’s your real name?” I constantly see assorted twitter feeds gripes about customers asking what their real name is. One dancer even made 'What's your real name'  her twitter handle (https://twitter.com/nakedinatx). I think that when you are in the industry it becomes so common that it seems perfectly normal.  But if you’re not in the industry it’s really weird. While I can’t speak for the entire customer community, I think I can explain the interest.

Outside of the strip club world, where else do you deal with people face to face that won’t tell you their name? Pretty much nowhere else does this occur. Everywhere else people will at least give you their first name. Not only will a dancer not give you her real name, she’ll give you a really odd name.  Where else will somebody sit down next and introduce themselves “Hi, my name is Skittles”, or Calico, or Peanut, or Viagra, or Sinful. Really, I’m supposed to just pass a name like that off as an everyday occurrence? In the stripper world this is no big deal, but outside the club, it’s really odd.

When some dancer sits down and introduces herself with I always want to answer back “wow, your parents sure had a sense of humor”.  I know there are very good reasons for using a stage name, but how would you react if the person fixing your car introduced them as Gizmo, and wouldn’t give you their real name. You are completing a cash transaction with somebody that won’t tell you who they are.  Except for drug dealers (exotic pharmacist?) who else does this? Would you buy something from a person who refused to identify themselves? Strip club customers are asked to.

I’ve made light of the stage name concept in other posts. I used to be really fascinated by dancers versus their real names. I even kept a list of names to see if I could find a pattern between the two (I couldn’t). However, Facebook has kind of removed that mystery. I have a ridiculously small number of friends. Most people’s pets have more Facebook friends than I do. I really don’t care actually. But Facebook seems to care. It helpfully posts ‘people you may know’ every time I log in.  Most of the time it’s a dancer. Once you become friends with one dancer you are one or two steps away from a hundred other dancers. It’s sort of six degrees of Kevin Bacon Facebook stripper style. I’ve learned a ton of dancer’s real names from Facebook. The name novelty has worn off.

Seriously I don’t think most dancers realize how easy it is to locate them on Facebook once you have one dancer friend.  Not only that they don’t setup their privacy features at all. If you’re a dancer setup your Facebook privacy, it will save you a lot of grief in the future.

Is it a big deal that a dancer won’t tell you her real name? No, it isn’t.  But it is really unique to the industry. I know musicians and actors use fake names, but I don’t typically meet them in person when I buy their product.  Other sex workers use fake names too, but I don’t interact with them. It may be annoying as hell, but I think dancers will be asked that question as long as there are strip clubs.

Two Dollar Socialism

The club I go to started giving out two dollar bills for change. So now you have to tip two dollars per song. I can’t really bitch too much. When went to my first strip club in the 80’s it was one per song. Thirty years later it’s still one per song at most clubs. I can’t think of anything else that has stayed the same price for so longs. From an economics point of view dancers made a lot more money back in the 80’s off stage. That 1980 dollar bought a lot more.

I have to admit I was a little irritated the first time the bartender counted back my change in twos. I was being indirectly told to start tipping two dollars per set. Nobody likes being told they have to spend more.  The switch to two dollar bills does change the strip club a little for experience for me.  

The biggest change is that I don’t drink as much. I go through my tip money a lot faster now.  I don’ t spend any more money than before. I suppose this is good for the dancers and bad for the owner. I also don’t spend as much time at the club. At the end of the day it’s probably better for me.

Another change is that the two dollars tip has evened out the amount I tip to each girl. Typically I’ll tip one or two dollars per song depending if I know the dancer or not. Then tip the dancer I went into to see much more. If I have $20 in tip money and there are five girls on rotation I’ll tip the four girls I don’t know three buck total for their set for a total of $12. I’ll then tip my favorite $8 for her set. Now each girl gets exactly four bucks. 

I think there might a bit of a blow back from the customers beyond having to tip more. The only place in Portland you get $2 bills are at strip clubs. If you pay for stuff with a stack of ones you might be a stripper. If you pay for stuff with a stack of two dollar bills you’re are definitely a stripper and, more importantly for customers, you were at a strip club the day before. Two dollar bills will probably replace glitter as the leading cause of guys getting busted for going to a strip club. Just for the record Bank of America ATMs and 

Albertson’s self serve machines will take two dollar bills.

If the customers organized the two dollar bill tip thing is something they could get rid of. Simply at the end of the night get change for a twenty then walk out. There are only so many two dollar bills in circulation. If you get enough customers a walking out the door with change they’ll deplete the supply of two dollar bills in the club.