I did something last week I've never done before in my extensive history as a strip club regular, intentionally walked out with paying a girl for some couch dances. Before you think I've descended into the dark side of the dance and dash dill weed customer, there were some extenuating circumstances. Primarily she had completely blown me off. We had done a couple dances when she called to stage. Instead of going to her rack, I waited at a table. She was at the main stage which was way too loud for me. After she had completed her set she was intercepted by another customer just as she got off stage. They headed off into the VIP section. Oh well, I figure she'll get him setup in the VIP room then stop by to tell me what's going on. I was half right. She never returned, I waited four songs before deciding to leave. I wasn't surprised that I got blown off. I was surprised that I got upset over it. I know better, but sometimes things get to me. It was later than I wanted be there, the music had gone from loud to obnoxious, and I got my precious little ego stepped on.
I supposed this is a dilemma dancers run into. Follow through with the current customer or ditch him in favor for the new more lucrative opportunity. The club was rather slow. A drunk guy walking around looking to buy a VIP isn't going to be left unattended very long. This is probably where being a nice guy doesn't work in my favor. I'm sure she thought "he'll get over it". I left club an in snarling understated snit. I'm a good customer. I'm a good guy. I've even have a blog, what could be cooler? Oh yeah, I could tip more. I got over it. I sent her a text that I'd owed her money and let me know when she was working next so I could pay her. She was working the next day. She told me that she had forgotten that we had done dances. It was a nice lie. She isn't the type that forgets to collect money.
The floor of a strip club is a sales management nightmare. At any time you can have multiple customers waiting for one dancer, while other times you have dancers competing for one customer. Throw in some alcohol to liven to really things up.
The most dancers will "mark their territory" when sitting with a customer. They'll leave their drink usually, some will leave an article of clothing, and, unfortunately their purse on occasion. It always amazes me when it's completely obvious somebody is sitting with me and yet a poacher will walk up and ask if I'm sitting alone. Yes I'm by myself, the bar is having a buy one, get one free drink sale and do you think this Hello Kitty purse matches my shoes? The problem is when the dancer takes off and starts something else. It's implied if she's leaving her drink she is going to come back. You are in a bit moral quandary of deciding how long to wait. You don't want to be a jerk and immediately bail on her, but you don't want to get stuck waiting all night. I'll wait a certain number of songs and if she's not back, I'll leave. I'd rather do that than risk getting into a turf war if another dancer sits down.
Some dancers will get very possessive. I have had dancers sit down next to me quivering with rage over the fact that somebody is sitting with "their" regular. I've never been able to sort out this situation. I've adopted a strategy to avoid it. I'll reveal a little secret of mine. tend to become a regular for dancers who are friends with dancers I currently know. I listen very closely to how dancers talk about each other. If I get dances from a girl it’s because I've heard good things about her from the other dancers. Also dancers who are friends are more willing to sit down and work with each other. Unfortunately dancer's alliances tend to change at mercurial rates. One week they are inseparable, next week mortal enemies.
Perhaps what is more amazing to me is when dancers become possessive of a song. They have certain song/outfit combination that they feel they have the copyright to. The first time I ran into this I was actually getting a couch dance. The song had just started when the dancer suddenly jumped back and whirled around to look at the DJ booth. She actually had a hand full of my shirt bunched up in her fist. It was sudden enough move that the bouncer quickly came over to see if there was a problem. "I can't believe that he is playing that song for that bitch, I always dance to song!" she snarled. The bouncer rolled his eyes "Um, You'll have to take that up the DJ" and quickly headed off to anther part of the bar.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Worse proof reader, ever
It does seem rather hypocritical for me to make fun of a typo in the Dolphin MNO blog when my posts are riddled with assorted grammatical errors. I've written twenty three blog posts so far, despite my best efforts I constantly find new errors in my blog posts. For the technically curious you can review my past posts by clicking on the "view all blog entries" link on the main page, then click on the "older" link on the blog archive control on the left hand side, a little bit below my picture
This is mostly a result of they way I write. Very seldom can I sit down and create a complete entry. My first pass is usually a rough collection of ideas, nothing that resembles the English language, just sort of semi-related gibberish. I just hammer things out until I get everything I want down. After multiple passes I eventually get the words to resemble something like coherent thought. I've probably rewritten the blog about five times by the time it gets to this point.
One thing I really hate about Microsoft Word is that it highlights every error with a squiggly underline. When I complete my first draft it usually looks like a topographical map of the Grand Canyon. Granted my first pass barely passes for English, but does it have to point out everything?
Despite this it's still riddled with grammatical errors. I usual leave out words. Maybe I should use a crayon. To try and maintain the perception of literacy I'm going to be going back and editing some of my blogs.
This is mostly a result of they way I write. Very seldom can I sit down and create a complete entry. My first pass is usually a rough collection of ideas, nothing that resembles the English language, just sort of semi-related gibberish. I just hammer things out until I get everything I want down. After multiple passes I eventually get the words to resemble something like coherent thought. I've probably rewritten the blog about five times by the time it gets to this point.
One thing I really hate about Microsoft Word is that it highlights every error with a squiggly underline. When I complete my first draft it usually looks like a topographical map of the Grand Canyon. Granted my first pass barely passes for English, but does it have to point out everything?
Despite this it's still riddled with grammatical errors. I usual leave out words. Maybe I should use a crayon. To try and maintain the perception of literacy I'm going to be going back and editing some of my blogs.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Twitter me this, Batman
The following is a completely irreverent rewrite of the rules posted on the Dolphin Clubs MySpace page. It's not meant to be fair or accurate. It's just me poking a little fun at something. You may want to go read the Dolphin blog.
What is the Miss Nude Oregon Contest?
Miss Nude Oregon is the only highest exotic entertainer title in the state. (The previous sentence was cribbed directly from the Dolphin MySpace page blog). This contest is preformed at a greater elevation than any other contest of its type. Should any other contest occur at a greater altitude the contest shall be renamed the Miss Nude Oregon Skydiving Contest, where contestants will have perform a theme set while jumping out of an airplane.
Why do Dolphin girls always seem to win the crown?
The contest is open to all entertainers living in the state of Oregon. Unless they are living in Washington. So, it’s open to all entertainers in Oregon and Washington, The Dolphins girls spend three to four months preparing for the contest which give them a major advantage. The fact that the contest takes place in the Dolphin Clubs, the winner will appear in magazine ads for the Dolphin clubs, or that some of the judges sell alcohol to the Dolphins clubs have nothing to do with the out come.
The Title
The title is owned by somebody else, permission to use the title in any advertising must be obtained by the owner of the title. Fortunately this blog is not an advertisement, but I will freely admit to be willing to fold like a cheap tent and pull the blog should I receive anything that looks like a cease and desist order.
Criteria
The contestant must participate in two of the three events, unless the find it too inconvenient, in which case they only need to show up for the finals. The contestants will be judges on the following criteria on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest, unless they perform to Spinal Tap, in which case 11 is allowable. (Any dancer willing to get up and perform to 'big bottom' should win by default):
Theme set performance
Axe throwing (This will come in handy during the tie breaker)
Clog dancing
Elegance
Another vague attribute like elegance that I can't think of right now
Car repair
Sheep shearing
The judges
In order to insure complete fairness the judges will be kidnapped at random from an Amish community and flown in one day prior to the contest. They will blind folded and locked in a room until just before the first contestant takes the stage.
The Ballots
The ballots will be collected and tallied in front of the judges, the event organizers, the title owner and club managers. None of which of any bias or affiliation the Dolphin clubs (oops, was I using my out loud voice?)
A Tie
Should three judges scoring seven categories on a scale one to ten come up with the exact same score for two or more contestants a tie breaker will be invoked. The tie breaker will consist of a cage death match. The cage death match will take place in three segments. The first segment will be the blunt object round. Contestants will be allow to take a single blunt object from their outfit bag, such as a hair flat iron, perfume bottle, hair dryer, vibrator, etc. They will then beat each other senseless for three minutes. Those left standing will progress to the second, sharp object round. They will select between a machete, axe, or bailing hook and resume combat. The third and final round will be the Mossberg Shotgun round. The last dancer standing will be crowned the winner.
The Winner
The winner must be available for shows, signings, radio/TV appearances, Bar Mitzvahs, car washes, photo shoots, shifts where there aren't enough girls, and building maintenance.
Elimination
The contestant can be eliminated for the following reasons:
Disregarding house rules (what rules that happened to be enforced at the time)
Working for another club (did I use my out loud voice again?)
Illegal parking
Jay Walking
Bailing on a bar tab
Failure to pay stage fees
Revoking the crown
Somebody else owns the crown, you don't. Don't mess up, capiche?
What is the Miss Nude Oregon Contest?
Miss Nude Oregon is the only highest exotic entertainer title in the state. (The previous sentence was cribbed directly from the Dolphin MySpace page blog). This contest is preformed at a greater elevation than any other contest of its type. Should any other contest occur at a greater altitude the contest shall be renamed the Miss Nude Oregon Skydiving Contest, where contestants will have perform a theme set while jumping out of an airplane.
Why do Dolphin girls always seem to win the crown?
The contest is open to all entertainers living in the state of Oregon. Unless they are living in Washington. So, it’s open to all entertainers in Oregon and Washington, The Dolphins girls spend three to four months preparing for the contest which give them a major advantage. The fact that the contest takes place in the Dolphin Clubs, the winner will appear in magazine ads for the Dolphin clubs, or that some of the judges sell alcohol to the Dolphins clubs have nothing to do with the out come.
The Title
The title is owned by somebody else, permission to use the title in any advertising must be obtained by the owner of the title. Fortunately this blog is not an advertisement, but I will freely admit to be willing to fold like a cheap tent and pull the blog should I receive anything that looks like a cease and desist order.
Criteria
The contestant must participate in two of the three events, unless the find it too inconvenient, in which case they only need to show up for the finals. The contestants will be judges on the following criteria on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest, unless they perform to Spinal Tap, in which case 11 is allowable. (Any dancer willing to get up and perform to 'big bottom' should win by default):
Theme set performance
Axe throwing (This will come in handy during the tie breaker)
Clog dancing
Elegance
Another vague attribute like elegance that I can't think of right now
Car repair
Sheep shearing
The judges
In order to insure complete fairness the judges will be kidnapped at random from an Amish community and flown in one day prior to the contest. They will blind folded and locked in a room until just before the first contestant takes the stage.
The Ballots
The ballots will be collected and tallied in front of the judges, the event organizers, the title owner and club managers. None of which of any bias or affiliation the Dolphin clubs (oops, was I using my out loud voice?)
A Tie
Should three judges scoring seven categories on a scale one to ten come up with the exact same score for two or more contestants a tie breaker will be invoked. The tie breaker will consist of a cage death match. The cage death match will take place in three segments. The first segment will be the blunt object round. Contestants will be allow to take a single blunt object from their outfit bag, such as a hair flat iron, perfume bottle, hair dryer, vibrator, etc. They will then beat each other senseless for three minutes. Those left standing will progress to the second, sharp object round. They will select between a machete, axe, or bailing hook and resume combat. The third and final round will be the Mossberg Shotgun round. The last dancer standing will be crowned the winner.
The Winner
The winner must be available for shows, signings, radio/TV appearances, Bar Mitzvahs, car washes, photo shoots, shifts where there aren't enough girls, and building maintenance.
Elimination
The contestant can be eliminated for the following reasons:
Disregarding house rules (what rules that happened to be enforced at the time)
Working for another club (did I use my out loud voice again?)
Illegal parking
Jay Walking
Bailing on a bar tab
Failure to pay stage fees
Revoking the crown
Somebody else owns the crown, you don't. Don't mess up, capiche?
Friday, July 4, 2008
MNO Rules version 2.0
The following is a completely irreverent rewrite of the rules posted on the Dolphin Clubs MySpace page. It's not meant to be fair or accurate. It's just me poking a little fun at something. You may want to go read the Dolphin blog.
What is the Miss Nude Oregon Contest?
Miss Nude Oregon is the only highest exotic entertainer title in the state. (The previous sentence was cribbed directly from the Dolphin MySpace page blog). This contest is preformed at a greater elevation than any other contest of its type. Should any other contest occur at a greater altitude the contest shall be renamed the Miss Nude Oregon Skydiving Contest, where contestants will have perform a theme set while jumping out of an airplane.
Why do Dolphin girls always seem to win the crown?
The contest is open to all entertainers living in the state of Oregon. Unless they are living in Washington. So, it’s open to all entertainers in Oregon and Washington, The Dolphins girls spend three to four months preparing for the contest which give them a major advantage. The fact that the contest takes place in the Dolphin Clubs, the winner will appear in magazine ads for the Dolphin clubs, or that some of the judges sell alcohol to the Dolphins clubs have nothing to do with the out come.
The Title
The title is owned by somebody else, permission to use the title in any advertising must be obtained by the owner of the title. Fortunately this blog is not an advertisement, but I will freely admit to be willing to fold like a cheap tent and pull the blog should I receive anything that looks like a cease and desist order.
Criteria
The contestant must participate in two of the three events, unless the find it too inconvenient, in which case they only need to show up for the finals. The contestants will be judges on the following criteria on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest, unless they perform to Spinal Tap, in which case 11 is allowable. (Any dancer willing to get up and perform to 'big bottom' should win by default):
Theme set performance
Axe throwing (This will come in handy during the tie breaker)
Clog dancing
Elegance
Another vague attribute like elegance that I can't think of right now
Car repair
Sheep shearing
The judges
In order to insure complete fairness the judges will be kidnapped at random from an Amish community and flown in one day prior to the contest. They will blind folded and locked in a room until just before the first contestant takes the stage.
The Ballots
The ballots will be collected and tallied in front of the judges, the event organizers, the title owner and club managers. None of which of any bias or affiliation the Dolphin clubs (oops, was I using my out loud voice?)
A Tie
Should three judges scoring seven categories on a scale one to ten come up with the exact same score for two or more contestants a tie breaker will be invoked. The tie breaker will consist of a cage death match. The cage death match will take place in three segments. The first segment will be the blunt object round. Contestants will be allow to take a single blunt object from their outfit bag, such as a hair flat iron, perfume bottle, hair dryer, vibrator, etc. They will then beat each other senseless for three minutes. Those left standing will progress to the second, sharp object round. They will select between a machete, axe, or bailing hook and resume combat. The third and final round will be the Mossberg Shotgun round. The last dancer standing will be crowned the winner.
The Winner
The winner must be available for shows, signings, radio/TV appearances, Bar Mitzvahs, car washes, photo shoots, shifts where there aren't enough girls, and building maintenance.
Elimination
The contestant can be eliminated for the following reasons:
Disregarding house rules (what rules that happened to be enforced at the time)
Working for another club (did I use my out loud voice again?)
Illegal parking
Jay Walking
Bailing on a bar tab
Failure to pay stage fees
Revoking the crown
Somebody else owns the crown, you don't. Don't mess up, capiche?
What is the Miss Nude Oregon Contest?
Miss Nude Oregon is the only highest exotic entertainer title in the state. (The previous sentence was cribbed directly from the Dolphin MySpace page blog). This contest is preformed at a greater elevation than any other contest of its type. Should any other contest occur at a greater altitude the contest shall be renamed the Miss Nude Oregon Skydiving Contest, where contestants will have perform a theme set while jumping out of an airplane.
Why do Dolphin girls always seem to win the crown?
The contest is open to all entertainers living in the state of Oregon. Unless they are living in Washington. So, it’s open to all entertainers in Oregon and Washington, The Dolphins girls spend three to four months preparing for the contest which give them a major advantage. The fact that the contest takes place in the Dolphin Clubs, the winner will appear in magazine ads for the Dolphin clubs, or that some of the judges sell alcohol to the Dolphins clubs have nothing to do with the out come.
The Title
The title is owned by somebody else, permission to use the title in any advertising must be obtained by the owner of the title. Fortunately this blog is not an advertisement, but I will freely admit to be willing to fold like a cheap tent and pull the blog should I receive anything that looks like a cease and desist order.
Criteria
The contestant must participate in two of the three events, unless the find it too inconvenient, in which case they only need to show up for the finals. The contestants will be judges on the following criteria on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest, unless they perform to Spinal Tap, in which case 11 is allowable. (Any dancer willing to get up and perform to 'big bottom' should win by default):
Theme set performance
Axe throwing (This will come in handy during the tie breaker)
Clog dancing
Elegance
Another vague attribute like elegance that I can't think of right now
Car repair
Sheep shearing
The judges
In order to insure complete fairness the judges will be kidnapped at random from an Amish community and flown in one day prior to the contest. They will blind folded and locked in a room until just before the first contestant takes the stage.
The Ballots
The ballots will be collected and tallied in front of the judges, the event organizers, the title owner and club managers. None of which of any bias or affiliation the Dolphin clubs (oops, was I using my out loud voice?)
A Tie
Should three judges scoring seven categories on a scale one to ten come up with the exact same score for two or more contestants a tie breaker will be invoked. The tie breaker will consist of a cage death match. The cage death match will take place in three segments. The first segment will be the blunt object round. Contestants will be allow to take a single blunt object from their outfit bag, such as a hair flat iron, perfume bottle, hair dryer, vibrator, etc. They will then beat each other senseless for three minutes. Those left standing will progress to the second, sharp object round. They will select between a machete, axe, or bailing hook and resume combat. The third and final round will be the Mossberg Shotgun round. The last dancer standing will be crowned the winner.
The Winner
The winner must be available for shows, signings, radio/TV appearances, Bar Mitzvahs, car washes, photo shoots, shifts where there aren't enough girls, and building maintenance.
Elimination
The contestant can be eliminated for the following reasons:
Disregarding house rules (what rules that happened to be enforced at the time)
Working for another club (did I use my out loud voice again?)
Illegal parking
Jay Walking
Bailing on a bar tab
Failure to pay stage fees
Revoking the crown
Somebody else owns the crown, you don't. Don't mess up, capiche?
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
I'm an idiot and i've got the paper to prove it
For somebody who bitches a lot about the Dolphin clubs, I seem to spend a lot of time there. I have to admit I met some amazing people who work at the D1 and D2. In the PDX blackbook profile one of the questions you get asked is what is the weirdest thing you've seen at a strip club? Me? Getting carried out the back on a stretcher is the weirdest thing I've seen and experienced.
Several years ago I had a really busy Saturday, Outside of some coffee for breakfast I didn't eat anything all day. This isn't something too weird for me, I'm a creature of habit. When its time to eat I'm hungry, when it isn't I'm not. I can go to bed starving to death and wake up not feeling hungry at all. Important safety tip, you can do this when you are young. When you get in to your 40s, eat something.
I went in to D1 to see one of my favorite dancers. This dancer is a bit notorious for being late. She doesn't move in straight lines. I sat at a table for a bit. After having one drink and started to feel bad, a bit nauseas. I got up and headed over to the video game machine. You know you've been at club too long when you like playing the games there. While sitting at the game I had another drink. Still wasn't feeling well. After about a half hour of playing games I about ready to call it an evening when my favorite dancer finally made it over to me. We chatted for a little bit. I remember getting up from the game to give a hug good bye.
The next thing I remember is somebody shaking me and call my name. It was one of those unreal moments when reality seems to have shattered into little pieces and you can only grasp little fragments of it. My first thought was "why were all these people in my bed room" Then my situation began take shape in my mind and reality began to intrude on me. I was crumpled along the bar like a rag doll. I had fainted. I slowly sat up with help from the bouncer. I started taking inventory of all my extremities, making sure everything was still where it should be. Fortunately I hit a couple bar stools on my way down. While this left a couple of nasty bruises, bouncing off the bar stools slowed down my fall preventing me from really hurting my self.
With help I was led back to the kitchen. If you asked me I would have told you I was OK, if I was a boxer they would have given me a standing eight count. The staff sat me down and called the paramedics. I nearly faded a couple times sitting there. I'm not sure if it was just timing, or if it really made a difference but somebody threw a cold towel over my neck. This brought me back, instantly. Everything snapped together and the full realization hammered me. A series of emotions swept over me, first relief that I was OK, then embarrassment, then fear. I've never fainted before, why now?
The paramedics arrived and began to attend to the situation. One started taking all my vital signs, the other questioned the waitress who had been serving me. I think they were expecting for find a really drunk guy at a bar on a Saturday night (imagine that). I could hear the paramedic repeatedly asking the waitress "how many drinks did I have She replied two. The other paramedic started questioning me about how much I had to drink, and also started asking me some background information. I've always had a really good memory for numbers. When I was able to tell the paramedic, my SSN, my driver's license number, and AMEX number (they had my wallet) without error. They were first surprised, then suddenly much more serious. My satisfaction of proving I wasn't drunk quickly evaporated when they started asking questions like "are your fingers or toes tingling?", "do you feel any pressure on your chest?", "Can you move your fingers on your left and right hands.?" Did I just have a stroke or heart attack? They began a much more serious evaluation of me. They asked if they could take me to the hospital. That seemed like a really good idea. Very quickly I was carted off and in the back of an ambulance.
The ride the hospital was really disorienting. The ambulance is completely enclosed. I'm flat on my back. I felt we were driving in circles. I then got asked (at least from my point of view) one of the stupidest questions ever. One of the paramedics asked me "Do you think you need an IV?" Let's see, I'm an electronic engineer who less than an hour ago dented a bar stool with his skull. Obviously I should be making medical decisions. Let's see, if it will keep me alive, STICK THE IV IN MY GOD DAMN ARM! I know, lets play Cash Cab and do a triage street shout out, we'll pull over and ask a complete stranger "excuse me sir, do you think we should give the patient an IV or amputate his head?" With all the rage an electronic engineer who is strapped to a gurney can muster I whimpered "Sure, if you think it a good idea."
I was rolled into the emergency room (IV attached). In a blur of people and activity I was wired up, measured and evaluated. The Doctor look at the results, everything seemed to be OK, he decided to take readings for an hour and check back later. And in a flash everybody was gone, and I was alone in a room. That was probably the most frightening, lonely moment. Now what? The patient monitoring machine whirred quietly next to me. It was made by GE Medical. GE Medical buys product from the company I work for. Not only that, about four years a go I had some a little work with GE Medical to help qualify that model with the FDA for use as a medical device. Now it was monitoring my health. A weird karmic moment, but it made me feel a lot better than some of my work is used to help people (Especially me) I nurse walked by a mentioned that my friend was waiting in the lobby. Huh? She must be mistaken.
I began to sort out what I was going to do. It looked like I was going to survive the night. I wasn't thrilled at the thought of taking a cab back to my car (still parked at the Dolphin) but that seemed like the best option. Having your family pick you up at an emergency room after being hauled out of a strip club is the kind of thing you'll be explaining for the rest of your life. I was trying to calculate how much cab far would be back to my car. Kind of difficult when you don't know where you are. It was at this moment when had I another surrealistic moment, my favorite dancer walked into the room. She had followed the ambulance to the hospital, had been keeping track of me the entire time. The staff finally let her back to see me. I don't think I've had such feeling of warmth and relief than to know that I wasn't alone and somebody was there.
I read in Scientific American that the human brain can only relate to a relatively limited number of people as individuals. The brain will put them into groups to simplify its task. It will pick a major trait such as race, age, religion, or profession to predetermine how you will expect them to act. I'm no different. I've had enough negative dealings with dancers to assume the worst. The all dancers we're fundamentally greedy individuals. All the prejudices I that had about dancers was shattered at the point. It would have been the easiest thing in the world for her to wave good bye as I put in the ambulance. Late Saturday night is prime time for making money, yet she took off to make sure some goof ball was OK. It's one thing to be concerned, it is something else to do something about it. I'm a very lucky person to know somebody like her.
After getting my head x-rayed, and few further tests run I was given some medication: A ham sandwich from the break room snack machine. My blood sugar had fallen from lack of intake. After the being processed and released I noticed that one of the documents given was a one page sheet describing what had happen and recommended treatment. The recommended treatment? Eat regular meals. I'm an idiot and I've got the paper to prove it. But I'm a lucky idiot with some really good friends.
Several years ago I had a really busy Saturday, Outside of some coffee for breakfast I didn't eat anything all day. This isn't something too weird for me, I'm a creature of habit. When its time to eat I'm hungry, when it isn't I'm not. I can go to bed starving to death and wake up not feeling hungry at all. Important safety tip, you can do this when you are young. When you get in to your 40s, eat something.
I went in to D1 to see one of my favorite dancers. This dancer is a bit notorious for being late. She doesn't move in straight lines. I sat at a table for a bit. After having one drink and started to feel bad, a bit nauseas. I got up and headed over to the video game machine. You know you've been at club too long when you like playing the games there. While sitting at the game I had another drink. Still wasn't feeling well. After about a half hour of playing games I about ready to call it an evening when my favorite dancer finally made it over to me. We chatted for a little bit. I remember getting up from the game to give a hug good bye.
The next thing I remember is somebody shaking me and call my name. It was one of those unreal moments when reality seems to have shattered into little pieces and you can only grasp little fragments of it. My first thought was "why were all these people in my bed room" Then my situation began take shape in my mind and reality began to intrude on me. I was crumpled along the bar like a rag doll. I had fainted. I slowly sat up with help from the bouncer. I started taking inventory of all my extremities, making sure everything was still where it should be. Fortunately I hit a couple bar stools on my way down. While this left a couple of nasty bruises, bouncing off the bar stools slowed down my fall preventing me from really hurting my self.
With help I was led back to the kitchen. If you asked me I would have told you I was OK, if I was a boxer they would have given me a standing eight count. The staff sat me down and called the paramedics. I nearly faded a couple times sitting there. I'm not sure if it was just timing, or if it really made a difference but somebody threw a cold towel over my neck. This brought me back, instantly. Everything snapped together and the full realization hammered me. A series of emotions swept over me, first relief that I was OK, then embarrassment, then fear. I've never fainted before, why now?
The paramedics arrived and began to attend to the situation. One started taking all my vital signs, the other questioned the waitress who had been serving me. I think they were expecting for find a really drunk guy at a bar on a Saturday night (imagine that). I could hear the paramedic repeatedly asking the waitress "how many drinks did I have She replied two. The other paramedic started questioning me about how much I had to drink, and also started asking me some background information. I've always had a really good memory for numbers. When I was able to tell the paramedic, my SSN, my driver's license number, and AMEX number (they had my wallet) without error. They were first surprised, then suddenly much more serious. My satisfaction of proving I wasn't drunk quickly evaporated when they started asking questions like "are your fingers or toes tingling?", "do you feel any pressure on your chest?", "Can you move your fingers on your left and right hands.?" Did I just have a stroke or heart attack? They began a much more serious evaluation of me. They asked if they could take me to the hospital. That seemed like a really good idea. Very quickly I was carted off and in the back of an ambulance.
The ride the hospital was really disorienting. The ambulance is completely enclosed. I'm flat on my back. I felt we were driving in circles. I then got asked (at least from my point of view) one of the stupidest questions ever. One of the paramedics asked me "Do you think you need an IV?" Let's see, I'm an electronic engineer who less than an hour ago dented a bar stool with his skull. Obviously I should be making medical decisions. Let's see, if it will keep me alive, STICK THE IV IN MY GOD DAMN ARM! I know, lets play Cash Cab and do a triage street shout out, we'll pull over and ask a complete stranger "excuse me sir, do you think we should give the patient an IV or amputate his head?" With all the rage an electronic engineer who is strapped to a gurney can muster I whimpered "Sure, if you think it a good idea."
I was rolled into the emergency room (IV attached). In a blur of people and activity I was wired up, measured and evaluated. The Doctor look at the results, everything seemed to be OK, he decided to take readings for an hour and check back later. And in a flash everybody was gone, and I was alone in a room. That was probably the most frightening, lonely moment. Now what? The patient monitoring machine whirred quietly next to me. It was made by GE Medical. GE Medical buys product from the company I work for. Not only that, about four years a go I had some a little work with GE Medical to help qualify that model with the FDA for use as a medical device. Now it was monitoring my health. A weird karmic moment, but it made me feel a lot better than some of my work is used to help people (Especially me) I nurse walked by a mentioned that my friend was waiting in the lobby. Huh? She must be mistaken.
I began to sort out what I was going to do. It looked like I was going to survive the night. I wasn't thrilled at the thought of taking a cab back to my car (still parked at the Dolphin) but that seemed like the best option. Having your family pick you up at an emergency room after being hauled out of a strip club is the kind of thing you'll be explaining for the rest of your life. I was trying to calculate how much cab far would be back to my car. Kind of difficult when you don't know where you are. It was at this moment when had I another surrealistic moment, my favorite dancer walked into the room. She had followed the ambulance to the hospital, had been keeping track of me the entire time. The staff finally let her back to see me. I don't think I've had such feeling of warmth and relief than to know that I wasn't alone and somebody was there.
I read in Scientific American that the human brain can only relate to a relatively limited number of people as individuals. The brain will put them into groups to simplify its task. It will pick a major trait such as race, age, religion, or profession to predetermine how you will expect them to act. I'm no different. I've had enough negative dealings with dancers to assume the worst. The all dancers we're fundamentally greedy individuals. All the prejudices I that had about dancers was shattered at the point. It would have been the easiest thing in the world for her to wave good bye as I put in the ambulance. Late Saturday night is prime time for making money, yet she took off to make sure some goof ball was OK. It's one thing to be concerned, it is something else to do something about it. I'm a very lucky person to know somebody like her.
After getting my head x-rayed, and few further tests run I was given some medication: A ham sandwich from the break room snack machine. My blood sugar had fallen from lack of intake. After the being processed and released I noticed that one of the documents given was a one page sheet describing what had happen and recommended treatment. The recommended treatment? Eat regular meals. I'm an idiot and I've got the paper to prove it. But I'm a lucky idiot with some really good friends.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Oh No, it's MNO
(Note: There are some errors on the following blog posting. While I'll leave the original comments in I'll note the errors. My apologies for the mistakes. My goal of the blog was to comment on the buzz and rumors around the contest. Please read Natalia's comments for more detailed corrections. Sorry again, Todd)
I have a little different perspective of the Miss Nude Oregon contest. I don't really to attend the actual events. They are way too loud and crowded. Part of my jobs is to build exhibits for trade show. While I really don't care too much who wins I really like the planning and ideas dancers come up with for the contest. I'm going to depart from my normal policy of mentioning names, since everybody already knows who is involved.
On your mark, get set…
Early on in the contest there were three front runners most people were talking about. Nadya was name I heard the most. She is a statuesque blond, who probably has the most stunning physical presence of any contestants. Autumn was also mentioned. She is both athletic and graceful. She has always been one of my favorite dancers to watch. She has one skill that most dancers don't have. A typical dancer has a repertoire moves they use on stage. You can see them pause and decide which move use during the set. Autumn could go from move to move with seamless elegance. Jewel was the third. She is also very athletic and is rather daring in some of her performance moves.
When you are in a race the best view is always from the front
After the first preliminaries Nadya quickly became the odds on favorite. She generated all of the buzz. What she managed to do was make her performance the main event of the evening. In a public contest, this is critical. People tend to get caught in the flow. This is where perception becomes reality. Two years ago I did a trade show where the company I worked for introduced a 108" LCD TV. This thing was completely impractical as an actual product. You needed a forklift to move it, it ran off three phase 220V, and it cost more than a Lexus LS460. Worse yet, the actual picture quality was OK, but not really all that impressive. But it was one big, bright media magnet. Everybody wanted to see it. Nadya had this in spades. I've never seen her perform, but I thought about heading to D1 to see what everybody was talking about. Most of the conversations were about who would get second and third.
Iceberg dead ahead
At the semi finals Nadya showed up wearing a sash with "Nadya Miss Nude Oregon 2008" printed on it. (Correction: Should read: Nadya for Miss Nude Oregon 2008)I think his is where she lost the contest. The sash, the tiara, and trophy are all symbols people expect to be awarded to the winner. Not purchased by a contestant. This instantly alienated a lot of people. Being the front runner was definitely a drawback here. When you are in the spot light, everything gets amplified. Especially your mistakes. The buzz went from she should win to what an ego. It also creates another problem with credibility. I don't believe the contest is overtly rigged. It's pretty much a lock that a Dolphin dancer is going to win it, but I doubt there is a back room conspiracy to pick which Dolphin girl will win in advance. If a dancer shows up at a prelim with the victory sash it's like printing her name on the trophy and putting on the bar two week before the contest. It looks more than a little suspicious when a contestant arrives with their own prizes.
To be completely candid this is a popularity contest. And it's not how popular you are with the crowd, it's how popular you are with the judges. If you want to win this contest you need to find out what is important to them. Putting them in a position where they might look bad will kill you every time. From what I've been told, Nadya didn't much of a theme associated with her performance. (Correction: Please read the following comments for a more accurate review of her performance)This again puts the judges in a position of looking like they are false. If you've already won why put in the effort on a theme.
Life goes on
I think if she had shown a little humility Nadya would have won this hands down. It doesn't take that much to tick people off. Maybe next time they can have the stripper boxing going on at the same time as the MNO contest. That would get the some good matches going. It would be easier on the fixtures at least. Mirrors are expensive.
I have a little different perspective of the Miss Nude Oregon contest. I don't really to attend the actual events. They are way too loud and crowded. Part of my jobs is to build exhibits for trade show. While I really don't care too much who wins I really like the planning and ideas dancers come up with for the contest. I'm going to depart from my normal policy of mentioning names, since everybody already knows who is involved.
On your mark, get set…
Early on in the contest there were three front runners most people were talking about. Nadya was name I heard the most. She is a statuesque blond, who probably has the most stunning physical presence of any contestants. Autumn was also mentioned. She is both athletic and graceful. She has always been one of my favorite dancers to watch. She has one skill that most dancers don't have. A typical dancer has a repertoire moves they use on stage. You can see them pause and decide which move use during the set. Autumn could go from move to move with seamless elegance. Jewel was the third. She is also very athletic and is rather daring in some of her performance moves.
When you are in a race the best view is always from the front
After the first preliminaries Nadya quickly became the odds on favorite. She generated all of the buzz. What she managed to do was make her performance the main event of the evening. In a public contest, this is critical. People tend to get caught in the flow. This is where perception becomes reality. Two years ago I did a trade show where the company I worked for introduced a 108" LCD TV. This thing was completely impractical as an actual product. You needed a forklift to move it, it ran off three phase 220V, and it cost more than a Lexus LS460. Worse yet, the actual picture quality was OK, but not really all that impressive. But it was one big, bright media magnet. Everybody wanted to see it. Nadya had this in spades. I've never seen her perform, but I thought about heading to D1 to see what everybody was talking about. Most of the conversations were about who would get second and third.
Iceberg dead ahead
At the semi finals Nadya showed up wearing a sash with "Nadya Miss Nude Oregon 2008" printed on it. (Correction: Should read: Nadya for Miss Nude Oregon 2008)I think his is where she lost the contest. The sash, the tiara, and trophy are all symbols people expect to be awarded to the winner. Not purchased by a contestant. This instantly alienated a lot of people. Being the front runner was definitely a drawback here. When you are in the spot light, everything gets amplified. Especially your mistakes. The buzz went from she should win to what an ego. It also creates another problem with credibility. I don't believe the contest is overtly rigged. It's pretty much a lock that a Dolphin dancer is going to win it, but I doubt there is a back room conspiracy to pick which Dolphin girl will win in advance. If a dancer shows up at a prelim with the victory sash it's like printing her name on the trophy and putting on the bar two week before the contest. It looks more than a little suspicious when a contestant arrives with their own prizes.
To be completely candid this is a popularity contest. And it's not how popular you are with the crowd, it's how popular you are with the judges. If you want to win this contest you need to find out what is important to them. Putting them in a position where they might look bad will kill you every time. From what I've been told, Nadya didn't much of a theme associated with her performance. (Correction: Please read the following comments for a more accurate review of her performance)This again puts the judges in a position of looking like they are false. If you've already won why put in the effort on a theme.
Life goes on
I think if she had shown a little humility Nadya would have won this hands down. It doesn't take that much to tick people off. Maybe next time they can have the stripper boxing going on at the same time as the MNO contest. That would get the some good matches going. It would be easier on the fixtures at least. Mirrors are expensive.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
If I ruled the world
It's really easy to sit back and criticize something. I've taken some shots at the club management. I'd like to think they are well founded criticisms, I but I know damn well things happen for reason. Things that look stupid to me may make sense if I knew all of the details. What would I change if I were in charge?
Let people wear their baseball caps backwards
Just recently I watched a bouncer politely ask a customer to turn his baseball cap around. It made me think (always a risky thing) not to long ago I was at a trade show, I spent forty five minutes in a conversation about improved OLED readability in high ambient light condition when applied to cockpit avionics with the addition of circular polarization. Which is a complicated way of saying can you see the stupid thing in daylight. This astonishingly dry conversation was with five other engineers and physicists. Two of which we're wearing their baseball caps backwards. At 46 I was the youngest person there. This weekend I was watching a cartoon in which bugs bunny was wearing his baseball cap backwards. Middle aged techno-geeks are wearing baseball caps backwards, Saturday morning cartoon characters wear their baseball caps backwards. Why can't people wear their baseball caps backwards at the Dolphin? Maybe in the 1990's wearing your backwards was edgy and gangsta'. Now it's completely and utterly main stream. Am I really that concerned about how I wear a baseball cap? No, frankly my fat, shiny head looks equally bad with or without any dressing. But this does reflect the "in business in spite of your customers" attitude. When a bouncer walks to up to customer and asks him to turn his cap around, all they are doing is making a customer feel uncomfortable. He's is doing something wrong. Pretty much every where else nobody will even give you a second look. It makes the place look completely out of touch.
No drum solo's in the bathroom
There are some things that I don't want to be seen doing and I'm pretty sure 100% of the population of the earth doesn't want to see me do. I don't want to have an audience when I take a piss. I really don't want musical accompaniment either. Give me a break. I've been to clubs where they've had attendants. These are usually really big clubs, with bathrooms big enough that the attendant has his own section. It’s supposed to add a bit of class, instead it's just ridiculous. D1 is worse. I'm not sure if they still have one but last time I was there they had an attendant. Standing, taking a piss into a stainless steel trough next to a stall with no door, four feet away from a guy who wants you to tip him is not an elegant situation. It just pegs the needle on the creepy meter.
Couches
Replace those god awful things. These couches have gone from pathetic to safety hazards. Seriously, I watched dancer kneel on the couch, only to have a leg disappear up to her waste into the couch. If would have been funny if she hadn't cut her knee badly in the process. Most dancers have to stuff the seams of the couches in order to make the useable. They have to scramble around and grab assorted parts to make it work. It looks like some sort of man vs. wild thing and discovery channel. They don't have to new couches, or nice couches. Just couches without pit traps and punji sticks. Maybe they can it into event where they smash the old couch to pieces on stage. Then take the proceeds from the show to buy new couches. Dancers with sledgehammers. Now there's a scary yet entertaining thought. Now that could a theme for the MNO contest. A little performance art of smashing a couch, lighting it on fire, then throw the flaming pieces at the fog machine.
Speaking of fog machines
This is a piece of show equipment that is hated by a surprisingly large number of people. It's probably the combination of cigarette smoke, crowds, and no ventilation that makes it bad. But everyone seems to blame the fog machine. I have seen DJs in the past use the machine like they are trying to flea bomb the building. Fortunately, it seems to be broken or empty most of the time.
Let people wear their baseball caps backwards
Just recently I watched a bouncer politely ask a customer to turn his baseball cap around. It made me think (always a risky thing) not to long ago I was at a trade show, I spent forty five minutes in a conversation about improved OLED readability in high ambient light condition when applied to cockpit avionics with the addition of circular polarization. Which is a complicated way of saying can you see the stupid thing in daylight. This astonishingly dry conversation was with five other engineers and physicists. Two of which we're wearing their baseball caps backwards. At 46 I was the youngest person there. This weekend I was watching a cartoon in which bugs bunny was wearing his baseball cap backwards. Middle aged techno-geeks are wearing baseball caps backwards, Saturday morning cartoon characters wear their baseball caps backwards. Why can't people wear their baseball caps backwards at the Dolphin? Maybe in the 1990's wearing your backwards was edgy and gangsta'. Now it's completely and utterly main stream. Am I really that concerned about how I wear a baseball cap? No, frankly my fat, shiny head looks equally bad with or without any dressing. But this does reflect the "in business in spite of your customers" attitude. When a bouncer walks to up to customer and asks him to turn his cap around, all they are doing is making a customer feel uncomfortable. He's is doing something wrong. Pretty much every where else nobody will even give you a second look. It makes the place look completely out of touch.
No drum solo's in the bathroom
There are some things that I don't want to be seen doing and I'm pretty sure 100% of the population of the earth doesn't want to see me do. I don't want to have an audience when I take a piss. I really don't want musical accompaniment either. Give me a break. I've been to clubs where they've had attendants. These are usually really big clubs, with bathrooms big enough that the attendant has his own section. It’s supposed to add a bit of class, instead it's just ridiculous. D1 is worse. I'm not sure if they still have one but last time I was there they had an attendant. Standing, taking a piss into a stainless steel trough next to a stall with no door, four feet away from a guy who wants you to tip him is not an elegant situation. It just pegs the needle on the creepy meter.
Couches
Replace those god awful things. These couches have gone from pathetic to safety hazards. Seriously, I watched dancer kneel on the couch, only to have a leg disappear up to her waste into the couch. If would have been funny if she hadn't cut her knee badly in the process. Most dancers have to stuff the seams of the couches in order to make the useable. They have to scramble around and grab assorted parts to make it work. It looks like some sort of man vs. wild thing and discovery channel. They don't have to new couches, or nice couches. Just couches without pit traps and punji sticks. Maybe they can it into event where they smash the old couch to pieces on stage. Then take the proceeds from the show to buy new couches. Dancers with sledgehammers. Now there's a scary yet entertaining thought. Now that could a theme for the MNO contest. A little performance art of smashing a couch, lighting it on fire, then throw the flaming pieces at the fog machine.
Speaking of fog machines
This is a piece of show equipment that is hated by a surprisingly large number of people. It's probably the combination of cigarette smoke, crowds, and no ventilation that makes it bad. But everyone seems to blame the fog machine. I have seen DJs in the past use the machine like they are trying to flea bomb the building. Fortunately, it seems to be broken or empty most of the time.
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