Good Vibrations

If I had a bucket list I should be able to tick something off now. I helped a dancer friend pick out a new vibrator. I know it’s kind of boring but there are worse problems to have. It all started out with off hand comment Savannah made about needing a new vibrator. Her current one was a gift from a friend and beginning to die. Savannah (not her real name) was feeling a little uncomfortable about buying a vibrator by herself.

I have to admit it initially struck me a little odd that a stripper would be uncomfortable buying a sex toy. I guess that no matter how enlighten I think I am toward the strip club world I still harbor my hidden stereotypes. I think you need to put yourself in uncomfortable places from time to time to see different sides of yourself. Anyway I got over my surprised and we figured out a time to meet a local Fantasy Video store.

I arrived at Fantasy Video early for our appointment. I almost always arrive a little early for appointments, I hate being late. I pulled out my smart phone and started to play a game waiting for Savannah to arrive. Normally this isn’t a big deal, but I quick began to feel rather weird sitting in a sex shop parking lot watching people come and go. I felt like a spy watching people when they didn’t want to be watched. Fortunately Savannah showed up right on time. After a quick hello we went in.

We headed over to the vibrator isle. I really didn’t feel out of place in the store. I think my lack of awkwardness was a result of how comfortable I am with Savannah. I suspect with most other dancers I would have been turning various shades of red. Savannah is one of those rare people who’s so down to earth and fun to be around that even awkward things are entertaining.

We were speaking in hushed tones like we in a library. We were just looking at items in a store (that happen to vibrate) but somehow talking about vibrators seemed like something you keep to yourselves, which is kind of absurd when you are in an aisle surrounded by vibrators. I supposed blurting out “Look at the size of that one!” wouldn’t be appropriate.

Savannah wandered down the aisle looking at the surprisingly wide variety of items. I went into engineering mode and began to estimate how much it would cost to make a vibrator. Most of the wand shape ones probably cost less than $5 to make. I also noticed that a fair number of the models had the exact same shape and injection molding marks. They were probably made on the exact same production line with the same parts. Some were just in fancier looking packages with higher price

tags.

We rounded the corner I found the more upscale models. I’ve heard of rabbit vibrators, but I’ve never scene one. My first impression when I saw it was “why does it come with a bottle opener?” I know it’s not a bottle opener but that’s what went through my mind. I think this is a result of being a teen in the 1970s. The twist off cap hadn’t made it to beer bottles yet. If you were going to go out drinking on a regular basis, you better be pretty adept at opening beer bottles with common items not normally used for bottle openers. Most car seat belts work perfect for opening bottles of beer. I still keep a church key in my car.

Savannah narrowed her choices down to two models of the bottle opening rabbit vibrators. She handed one to me and asked what do I think? The honest answer would have been “I have no idea”, but since I’m an engineer I always assume my opinion is important regardless of my actual knowledge so I invented something on the spot. The plastic was actually clear and you could see part the vibrators internal workings. This particular model had the additional functionality of a massage mechanism. It had two concentric plates that spun around a shaft. They looked exactly like cutting wheels on a ditch digging machine. Considering the intended use of the device, anything that looked like it could cause damage would be bad. “I think the other one is better”, it had a series of roller bearings that look like something from a massage chair. After a few minutes of consideration Savannah decided she’d ask the folks behind the front desk for their opinion.

On the way to the desk Savannah stopped by to look at some panties. I stood by quietly while she browsed. I almost started browsing as well, but considering my tendency to feel the texture of clothes first I probably would have looked a little creepy. Wandering around fondling underwear probably would have not turned out well. I decided to just keep my hands in my pockets.

I was surprised at the counter the clerks offered to put batteries in the vibrators so Savannah could see how they worked. In a matter of seconds both devices were primed and loaded. I was handed one of them. I’ve scene TV remote controls with less buttons. In cartoons there is always the one character that has to push the button, even if he doesn’t know what it does. That’s me.

I had to push the button. The biggest button in this case, since there was a variety to chose from. Amazingly the vibrator started to vibrate (imagine that) with a low hum. I pushed the button again assuming it would switch off. Instead the vibrator shifted up a gear in intensity. I quickly punched the button. The vibrator went into overdrive. The hum had turned into a low growl. I felt a mild panic rise in my stomach. I hit another button. Instead of shutting down the bottle opener attachment started to buzz. The growl picked up a new tone and turn into a yowl. I’ve always considered myself technically savvy, but I was at a loss here. I felt my ears start to turn red. I should have just asked for help. Instead I just started mashing buttons down until the damn thing eventually went silent. I’m not sure what I hit but I didn’t care at the moment.

I traded with Savannah, this time carefully handling the device to prevent any further damage to my ego. Savannah eventually selected one and the purchased was made. We said good bye and Savannah headed home. I got home and decided to look up how a rabbit vibrator is used online. I had a pretty good idea, but just wanted to confirm my suspicions. I was amazed to find some instructional web sites that look like public service announcements that would help you have “years of enjoyment with your new purchase”. Some people take their sex toys very seriously. I wasn’t able to locate an instruction manual. I’ll keep looking, next time I’m going to be better prepared. I’m not going to be outwitted by a vibrator next time.

Can you find the strip club?

I was reading through the SOS website about how strip clubs attract crime to neighborhoods. According to SOS they don't pay taxes either. Just out of curiosity I did a little research on line to see if I can this trend. A Stars Cabaret strip club open not too far from me. So I check the local crime statistics to see what kind of impact it has. After examining a few of maps I decided to make a test. After examining the maps for yourself, can you find where the strip club is? Note, these maps show all the crimes committed between March 2010 and February 2011. If strip clubs are ground zero for crime, it seems logical that crime should be the highest at or near where the club is.

First map is simple assault, because people always get in fights in strip club parking lots:

This one is sex crimes. Only crazed perverts frequent strip clubs

Strip clubs are fronts for prostitution! I know this because I read it on the SOS website.

This is for drugs. All strippers are drug addicts or going to become drug addicts.

DUIIs because everybody is always hammered at strip clubs

Disorderly conduct, just to cover other things like pissing in the parking lot and flashing cars as they drive by.

Can you guess where the club is?

I can't really draw many conclusions with these maps. The club doesn't seem to really be central to anything. I can't see any real impact. Perhaps I need to accumulate more data. But how could you separate crime from the club and crime from the mall across the street? I'll see if I can get data from before Star's Bridgeport opened and after it opened.

The problem I have with the SOS website is they throw up a bunch of unsubstantiated claims then run with them as if they are scientific facts. Their first claim is the clubs "avoid paying taxes". Do strip club owners cook the books? Undoubtedly, but do strip club owners do it any more than other businesses? I don't know myself. But without any quality studies I can't make or refute the statement. To make a naked assertion without facts is completely unethical.

They treat workers as independent contractors to avoid employment taxes and fair employment laws. There is some truth to this. It seems to me it be better to actually deal with unfair practices rather then just jettison the whole thing. I'm wonder if they are so concerned about the working conditions of the people who make their clothes or electronics.

Strip clubs also do nothing to maintain their buildings or grounds ignoring county and city codes. Exactly where do they get the data for this? I did a survey of clubs for health department inspections. The clubs were all over the map but they all passed. This accusation is just made up. If they are going to try and change the laws they should base their arguments on real data. These are laws that affect peoples lives. They shouldn't be based on made up data.

Notable Noticeable's

The amount of money dancers pay for clothes and makeup is kind of staggering. It never ceases to amaze me. I joked in a previous blog post about the similarities between fishing and dancing. I know a dancer that had a tool box for all her MAC makeup and other goodies but how much do these things really payoff? What do us customers really notice?

I can only comment from my position as a regular and these are just my observations: recently I was sitting with a dancer who was complaining that she hadn’t been tanning recently and felt she looked pale. I did a quick comparison with myself and her. I always use myself as the official standard of pale. I’m about as pale as you can get and still have pigmentation. Imagine the Pillsbury dough man with glasses. I simply just don’t tan. I just go from white to red and back to white. If I do start to get a tan something has gone horribly wrong. I always put on sun block when I go out into the sun. Not just any sun block, but 90+ stuff. I want the lights to dim when I walk into a room. I know over a certain sun block number I’m just wasting my money, but I don’t care.

Getting back to the dancer I really couldn’t tell if she was really pale or not. We were currently being bathed in red and blue LED light. She actually had a rather nice complexion for a smurf. The red and blue light resulted in a really lovely shade of purple. You can't really judge skin tone in most strip clubs. Between the lack of lights (it’s dark in most strip clubs) and what lights they do have are all either colored or flashing. Most of the time you can’t really tell how pale a dancer is.

Some dancers will intentionally create tan lines for the copper tone girl look. I spent one evening at the club trying to estimate what skin tone dancers actually had. The only generalizations I could make are dark hair girls tended to look paler than blondes. The outfit also make a difference, dark clothes made the dancer look paler. Light clothes made her look tan. The real conclusion is that if you don't have any sort of benchmark to compare against it’s really difficult to tell how tan a dancer actually is. It’s easier for dancers to judge each other because they see each other in the dressing room. That gives them a reference point.

This leads to another question, if the typical customer can't tell how tan the dancer is why should she be spending money on the tanning? If it makes her feel more confident about her looks then she should. Attitude is huge when it comes to a dancer’s money. Lots of drop dead gorgeous girls make terrible money because they just sit at the bar, drink and don't approach customers. If tanning makes her feel more attractive and more positive than it’s definitely worth the money.

In my opinion clothing makes a big difference. This may sound kind of odd coming from a guy paying to see clothes being removed. My first impression of a dancer is when she is wearing clothes. I'll probably decide in the first 30 seconds if I'm going to spend more money on her. I've always found it odd that some dancers treat clothes like fishing lures. If customers aren't biting with one outfit she'll "upgrade the slutwear" and change to something else. While I initially didn't give this much credence, there may be something too this. Different days and times draw different crowds. What a group of twenty something hipsters might find attractive late Friday night is probably different than a group of forty something mid life crisis guys would find attractive early Saturday evening.

Another important factor about clothes is most customers’ first impression is at a distance. Most customers’ first look at a dancer usually comes at a distance, usually from across the room. Dancers have the really difficult problem of being scrutinized from both really close up and from over 30' away. Clothing can greatly enhance that first impression.

I've notice that tattoos don't always work so well with clothes. I admit that being older that my biases toward tattoo's are different the people younger than me. While I tend to be ambivalent towards tattoos after I've gotten to know the person, my initial impression is always a little negative toward them. Growing up tattoos we're pretty rare. If somebody had a tattoo they we're probably either a Hell's Angel or career Navy person. My expectation is not to see a tattoo on a person so I'm always a little shocked when I do. One criticism I have of tattoos on dancers it they don't look good when viewed from a distance. I have to admit I’ve looked at a few girls thought to my self “I hope that’s a tattoo”. Most tattoos are very detailed works of art. How they look up close is very different from across the room. At a distance they tend to look like bruises or other skin maladies. I suspect for younger people who are used to seeing tattoos this isn't the case, they don't have the same expectations that I do.

Again, these are all my observations. What’s important to me won’t be important to another customer. I don’t think there is the “right” look for a dancer. The important thing is that she thinks she looks good.

T&A Tsunami Relief

Just on a personal note, I work for a Japanese hi-tech company. I spent the day after the earthquake setting up international calls for peoples families. We have a lot of Japanese ex-patriots here who have family in the Miyagi prefecture. You don't need to speak the language to hear the pain and fear. I'll be there.

(Repost) I'm an idiot and I've got the paper to prove it

I normally don't repost blogs, but I've gotten a couple of recent e-mails and comments asking about the time I got carried out of a strip club on a stretcher. The one is buried fairly deep in the achrives. This post is one of times it really strikes me that many dancers aren't just emotionless grinding wheels in heels but truely compassionate people.

For somebody who bitches a lot about the Dolphin clubs, I seem to spend a lot of time there. I have to admit I met some amazing people who work at the D1 and D2. In the PDX blackbook profile one of the questions you get asked is what is the weirdest thing you've seen at a strip club? Me? Getting carried out the back on a stretcher is the weirdest thing I've seen and experienced.

Several years ago I had a really busy Saturday, Outside of some coffee for breakfast I didn't eat anything all day. This isn't something too weird for me, I'm a creature of habit. When its time to eat I'm hungry, when it isn't I'm not. I can go to bed starving to death and wake up not feeling hungry at all. Important safety tip, you can do this when you are young. When you get in to your 40s, eat something.

I went in to D1 to see one of my favorite dancers. This dancer is a bit notorious for being late. She doesn't move in straight lines. I sat at a table for a bit. After having one drink and started to feel bad, a bit nauseas. I got up and headed over to the video game machine. You know you've been at club too long when you like playing the games there. While sitting at the game I had another drink. Still wasn't feeling well. After about a half hour of playing games I about ready to call it an evening when my favorite dancer finally made it over to me. We chatted for a little bit. I remember getting up from the game to give a hug good bye.

The next thing I remember is somebody shaking me and call my name. It was one of those unreal moments when reality seems to have shattered into little pieces and you can only grasp little fragments of it. My first thought was "why were all these people in my bed room" Then my situation began take shape in my mind and reality began to intrude on me. I was crumpled along the bar like a rag doll. I had fainted. I slowly sat up with help from the bouncer. I started taking inventory of all my extremities, making sure everything was still where it should be. Fortunately I hit a couple bar stools on my way down. While this left a couple of nasty bruises, bouncing off the bar stools slowed down my fall preventing me from really hurting my self.

With help I was led back to the kitchen. If you asked me I would have told you I was OK, if I was a boxer they would have given me a standing eight count. The staff sat me down and called the paramedics. I nearly faded a couple times sitting there. I'm not sure if it was just timing, or if it really made a difference but somebody threw a cold towel over my neck. This brought me back, instantly. Everything snapped together and the full realization hammered me. A series of emotions swept over me, first relief that I was OK, then embarrassment, then fear. I've never fainted before, why now?

The paramedics arrived and began to attend to the situation. One started taking all my vital signs, the other questioned the waitress who had been serving me. I think they were expecting for find a really drunk guy at a bar on a Saturday night (imagine that). I could hear the paramedic repeatedly asking the waitress "how many drinks did I have She replied two. The other paramedic started questioning me about how much I had to drink, and also started asking me some background information. I've always had a really good memory for numbers. When I was able to tell the paramedic, my SSN, my driver's license number, and AMEX number (they had my wallet) without error. They were first surprised, then suddenly much more serious. My satisfaction of proving I wasn't drunk quickly evaporated when they started asking questions like "are your fingers or toes tingling?", "do you feel any pressure on your chest?", "Can you move your fingers on your left and right hands.?" Did I just have a stroke or heart attack? They began a much more serious evaluation of me. They asked if they could take me to the hospital. That seemed like a really good idea. Very quickly I was carted off and in the back of an ambulance.

The ride the hospital was really disorienting. The ambulance is completely enclosed. I'm flat on my back. I felt we were driving in circles. I then got asked (at least from my point of view) one of the stupidest questions ever. One of the paramedics asked me "Do you think you need an IV?" Let's see, I'm an electronic engineer who less than an hour ago dented a bar stool with his skull. Obviously I should be making medical decisions. Let's see, if it will keep me alive, STICK THE IV IN MY GOD DAMN ARM! I know, lets play Cash Cab and do a triage street shout out, we'll pull over and ask a complete stranger "excuse me sir, do you think we should give the patient an IV or amputate his head?" With all the rage an electronic engineer who is strapped to a gurney can muster I whimpered "Sure, if you think it a good idea."

I was rolled into the emergency room (IV attached). In a blur of people and activity I was wired up, measured and evaluated. The Doctor look at the results, everything seemed to be OK, he decided to take readings for an hour and check back later. And in a flash everybody was gone, and I was alone in a room. That was probably the most frightening, lonely moment. Now what? The patient monitoring machine whirred quietly next to me. It was made by GE Medical. GE Medical buys product from the company I work for. Not only that, about four years a go I had some a little work with GE Medical to help qualify that model with the FDA for use as a medical device. Now it was monitoring my health. A weird karmic moment, but it made me feel a lot better than some of my work is used to help people (Especially me) I nurse walked by a mentioned that my friend was waiting in the lobby. Huh? She must be mistaken.

I began to sort out what I was going to do. It looked like I was going to survive the night. I wasn't thrilled at the thought of taking a cab back to my car (still parked at the Dolphin) but that seemed like the best option. Having your family pick you up at an emergency room after being hauled out of a strip club is the kind of thing you'll be explaining for the rest of your life. I was trying to calculate how much cab far would be back to my car. Kind of difficult when you don't know where you are. It was at this moment when had I another surrealistic moment, my favorite dancer walked into the room. She had followed the ambulance to the hospital, had been keeping track of me the entire time. The staff finally let her back to see me. I don't think I've had such feeling of warmth and relief than to know that I wasn't alone and somebody was there.

I read in Scientific American that the human brain can only relate to a relatively limited number of people as individuals. The brain will put them into groups to simplify its task. It will pick a major trait such as race, age, religion, or profession to predetermine how you will expect them to act. I'm no different. I've had enough negative dealings with dancers to assume the worst. The all dancers we're fundamentally greedy individuals. All the prejudices I that had about dancers was shattered at the point. It would have been the easiest thing in the world for her to wave good bye as I put in the ambulance. Late Saturday night is prime time for making money, yet she took off to make sure some goof ball was OK. It's one thing to be concerned, it is something else to do something about it. I'm a very lucky person to know somebody like her.


After getting my head x-rayed, and few further tests run I was given some medication: A ham sandwich from the break room snack machine. My blood sugar had fallen from lack of intake. After the being processed and released I noticed that one of the documents given was a one page sheet describing what had happen and recommended treatment. The recommended treatment? Eat regular meals. I'm an idiot and I've got the paper to prove it. But I'm a lucky idiot with some really good friends.

Group Hug

You can have a pod of whales, a pride of Lions, a murder of crows or a conspiracy of lawyers. So what would you call a group of strippers? I’m sure there is a real answer for that but don’t know what it is. So I’ll try to think of a name.

The grouping name (pride, pod, murder, warren, colony, etc) seems to fall into all types of words. Nouns, adjectives, verbs, etc... They can also be things, descriptions or pretty much anything else. I suppose the thing to explore would be stripper activities. You could have a hustle of strippers or a grind of strippers. A dance of strippers? Nah, none of those sound right. How about a strip of strippers or peel of strippers? A strip of strippers is actually kind of hard to say fast three times.It sounds like “Strip’ah Strippers”. It doesn’t roll off the tongue easy enough. I always associate peel with bells- not belles. Maybe a spin of strippers?

How about things associated with the club. A stage of strippers? No. Stage of strippers sounds like progressions in their career. (Baby stripper, Pro strippers, Burn out Strippers, psycho strippers, etc). How about a rack of strippers? I can hear the comments now “Look at the rack on that rack”. A rail of strippers? Nope. That makes them sound angry. Maybe a buzz of strippers if you take an alcohol or illegal substance tack.

Maybe something about how they affect the customers. A boner of strippers. No, that’s just wrong. A drool of strippers isn’t much better. From a customer’s financial point of view it could be a deficit of strippers. A deficit of strippers is usually what’s going on at the club on Sundays with a two girl rotation.

Perhaps it could be something to do with equipment. A heel of strippers? That has some unflattering connotations. A string of strippers? Nah, a bag of strippers? No, that has the same problem a heel has. I think if I said, “look at the bag of strippers over there”it would result in my untimely death. Maybe make up? It could be a blush of strippers or rouge of strippers.

Perhaps a strip clubs management’s reaction would be a good description: like a migraine of strippers or a pain of strippers. A shriek of strippers? I’ve heard some pretty unpleasant sounds coming out of the dressing room. My personal favorite is what usually happens when a group gets together with some alcohol liberally added: a drama of strippers.

I’m sure there are better ones. Post your thoughts in the comments, I’d love to hear some.

More thoughts on pricing

I was originally going to post this blog in the form of a debate: Customer vs. Dancer "What should the price of lap/couch dance be?" I was going to try debate a dancer via e-mail. I would start with a statement and make a short argument. Then send it to her for her to argue back. Do that a couple times, then blog the result. When I began to outline my arguments one thing became apparent: I had no moral grounds for my arguments. By saying prices shouldn’t go up, I’m basically saying dancers should make less money. As the cost of living goes up dancers have to work more to maintain the same level income. That kind of killed my enthusiasm for the debate. I’ll try to think of something else. Do any Dancers have any topics they’d like to debate with a customer?

I still put some time into the subject and will post my thoughts. In my opinion, one major logistical issue preventing prices from being increased is the current denominations of money. A stage tip is still a buck. It was a buck in the 1980s when I went to my first strip club. This is nearly three decades (at least) of a frozen price. The next denomination up is the two dollar bill. More practically it’s a five dollar bill. Two dollar bills represent less than 1% of the money currently in circulation. Requiring two dollars would work just as well. The problem is that that is a 100% increase in pricing. There is no intermediate step

Couch and lap dances don’t have quite the same pricing shock. A five dollar increase is a substantial increase but not extreme. There are barriers to raising prices but nothing overwhelming. The real barrier (in my opinion) is the club owners. I’m sure all the dancers reading this are rolling their eyes as I state what is hugely obvious to them.

The dancer work situation with the club owners is peculiar. The idea of contracting out space or time from somebody else isn’t unique. Conceptually it isn’t much different from a vendor renting space at a Saturday market or a sports venue. This includes setting prices. What is hugely different for dancers is they actually have to compete with people who they are paying stage fees too. Every dollar that customer spends on drinks, food, or cover charge is a dollar he is not spending on the dancer. Most guys don’t have separate budgets for drinks and dancers. Dancers are all at once: a customer, employee and competitor with the club owner.

The customer/employee relationship is exactly the same business relationship I have when I do a trade show. They tell me when and where I have to be and when I have to show up. Part of the contract with the exhibit hall is that people will be present to operate the booth. They also have rules of conduct. If you show up late or act like idiots the exhibit hall can kick you out of a show. The only time I’ve seen somebody kicked out was for problems with payment. I’ve walked onto the show floor to start up the exhibits and the booth next to us is gone, now replaced with a 30’ x 30’ piece of blank carpet. Exhibit halls will put up with a lot except not getting paid. However, if the Exhibit hall tried to compete for my customers I’d blow a head gasket.

I don’t see pricing changing soon. There is no real incentive for owners to increase the tip or dance prices. It potentially cuts into the owner’s revenue and gives customers a reason to visit clubs that have lower prices. The owners are actually better off keeping the price low. I’m not sure how you would encourage the owners to raise the prices. It would take some sort of worker's strike. Unfortunately, as long as there is an endless supply of new dancers there won’t be a way to increase the price. The one dollar tip at the rail and the $20 lap dance have become the token amount.

I think most dancers look at their job as only temporary situation. They really don’t consider it a long term possibility. Because of that they are more willing to accept the pricing controls. I’m willing to fight for major changes in my career. I’m not going to take on an employer for a job I don't plan on keeping.