Sometimes a night out at strip club can be an off experience. I had one of those nights. I decided to go down to PDXBlackBook night at the Lucky Devil bar. It's a smaller club, one stage, and a few tables. They are going supposed to have some entertainers from the PDXBlackBook web site there. Specifically one of my favorite dancers (Natalia) is there.
The festivities start at 9pm, I arrive a little after and the place is not very crowded. I planning on spending about an hour, More than likely Natalia will be busy, she's both strikingly beautiful and talented performer. On top of that when you talk to her you realize you're not the smartest person in the room. Normally I'll send her text to see if she will be working, but tonight I show up unexpected. I'm kind of crazy that way. I don't have that much of night life.
I say hello the Natalia and head to the bar to get a drink. There are six people at the bar when I walk up. I like to joke at the Dolphin there are "alcohol free zones" where they won't serve you drinks. These are the tables that are a bit out of the way, that tend to get ignored. At the Lucky Devil part of the bar is an alcohol free zone. I watch the bartender take care of group of customers at the other end of the bar, I watch the bartender get a drink for the guy next to me. I watch the bartender go back to the other end of the bar to wait on some customers who walked in while he was giving change to guy next to me. After helping them the bartender walks to the till and starts text messaging on his cell phone. Completely oblivious to the world and waiting patrons around him he stood texting away.
In Douglas Adam's "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" series of books he described a creature called the Ravenous Bugbladder beast of Traal. According to the book "the Ravenous Bugbladder Beast of Traal is a beast so mind bogglingly stupid that it believes that if you can't see it, it can't see you." If you wish to see one of these creatures in the wild just head to the Lucky Devil on Wednesday nights, it's tending bar. This guy sat with his back to the bar, facing the wall sending text messages. Note to Lucky Devil management, you might want to inform your wait staff that the guy standing at the bar, with the 20 dollar bill in his hand, trying to get your attention WANTS TO BUY A DRINK! Just an idea.
I watched in slack jawed amazement as the bartender stood with his back to the bar, tapping away on his cell phone that's clutched against his chest like a small child hiding a pilfered candy from his parents. Does this guy really believe that as long as he faces away from the bar nobody will notice he's sending text messages? My jaw fell even further when he finishes the text and walk down to the end bar and starts talking to a bouncer. I moved exactly three chairs further down to another open section of the bar. The beast suddenly can see me and heads over to wait on me. "What can I get for you?", "Um, the same thing I've been trying to get from you for the past ten minutes when I was standing over there". Fortunately the drinks are only $4.50, which makes the wait not quite so painful. My mood improves noticeably at the thought of reasonably price drinks.
The BugBladder beast efficiently makes my drink and I'm off to the stage with change in hand. The first dancer gets on stage. My buzz from getting a cheap delicious drink from the Beast fades instantly I watch this dancer. She woodenly walks through her routine. She visibly sighs when she realizes you haven't left the stage. She oozes annoyance as she walks around the stage. There were only two people at the stage, hardly enough money to make it worth her while. But she's not doing much to get new customers to the stage. During her entire set she barely makes eye contact with anybody at the stage. She looks past you, not at you, as if she doesn't see you, you're not there. Hey, she must be the Ravenous BugBladder Dancer of Traal, a dancer so mind boggling….. Oh well, Contact the men in black, we've got aliens at the Lucky Devil. I've only paid out two bucks and I feel ripped off. I've truly become a cranky old man up past his bed time.
Rocket and Natalia are up next. In absolute stark contest to the first dancer they put on excellent performances. They draw you in a make you feel like they want you to be there. After this I head to the video lottery machine. Natalia is going to be tied up with another customer, when she's done she'll come find me.
Now that I know where to stand the Beast turns out to be a pretty good bartender. I get another drink. Not quite so cranky I head over video poker machine. I like to think I'm reasonably competent technically. I should be able to operate a video lottery machine. Not today. I put in five bucks and all the buttons go black except for one button. Despite the fact the button is label: "cash out/print voucher" I push it. The button does exactly what it says. It cashed out and printed a voucher. I've turned a five dollar bill into a paper receipt and the buttons are still black. Wow, that was fun. I invest more money into the machine and manage to learn how to operate the machine. Natalia stops by, but I'm done. Its 10:30, time to head home.
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