Fun with Strippie numbers

I saw the nominations for the Strippies and being an engineer I had to take a look at some statistics. There are 17 categories, 4 nominations for category for a total of 68 total possible nominations. The strip club Devil's Point had 16 nominations. The is 24% of the nominations or roughly 1 out of every four nominees were from Devil's Point. Siren Wolf was nominated for nine of the ten categories that a female dancer could get. Of the 68 nominations only two came from clubs west of the Willamette river.

I've already seen a little grousing on twitter about the nominations. To be completely candid, if you don't like the way the nominations turned out then vote more. The numbers might seem a little skewed but this is a result of the voting method. You could vote daily for your favorite dancer in this contest. This means that voting everyday becomes really important. It's more important to have people voting constantly than just getting a bunch of votes short term. If the voting is open for thirty days then one person voting every day (30 total votes) can out weigh 29 people voting for one day.

This ultimately turns this into a voting campaign for the contestants. In my opinion this is the only way you can really run a contest like this. I don't think you can really do this with an objective judging process. This would be difficult to do for a lot of the categories. Seriously, what defines "Best floor work"? To establish a set of criteria, select judges then try and get everybody scheduled to see the performers would be an enormous task.

The clubs and entertainers that did well probably made a very active effort to promote themselves. The clubs I hang out at made no attempt to promote their people and the result shows it. The Dolphin and Star's Cabaret clubs represent some of the largest clubs in Portland. Athena Aura (Not Athena Aurora, her name is wrong on the pdxstrippies web site) was the only one from those clubs. All the promotion was done by her and not club as far as I know.

I think the Strippies have done a excellent job with the contest. I wish I could attend this year. I'll have to wish Athena well from cyberspace this year.

Seriously unsexy things

I was thinking about the different types of dancers I’ve become a regular to and I realize I’m not attracted to any particular look. But there are some things that will absolutely repel me. No matter how beautiful or intelligent she is, there are three things that will absolutely send me diving for cover. They are kind of petty and I know its shallow of me, but I’m paying for the privilege of her company so I can be picky.

Eyebrows
There needs to be two of them. They shouldn’t look like a pair of chipmunks glued to her forehead and they need to be real. Many years ago there was a dancer that worked days. She always would sit with me and try to sell dances. Very smart, very sweet and she had one eye brow across both eyes. This might be a good look for Bert the Muppet, but not on a dancer. I think she said she was ethnically Dravidian. One really nice thing about a strip club is you can stare at a girl's boobs during the conversation without being completely creepy. I spent a lot of time staring at her boobs.

Another dancer looked like Andy Rooney in heels. At least the eyebrow looks the same. The rest of her didn't. Fortunately she never tried to sell me dances. I don’t think I ever really saw her naked. Not because she didn’t take off her clothes, I just couldn’t get past her forehead. It was like looking at a car accident.

I also can’t stand drawn on eyebrows. there should be hair, not a penciled in line. It looks like they suffered a tragic lab accident. I always feel like I’m looking at a future super villain. When she turns her head the eyebrows disappear she looks like Lex Luther. That's bad.

White socks, no shoes.
I never realized how dirty stages get until I watched a dancer in white socks. She took off her shoes when she danced (and when the manager wasn’t looking). One time she took the stage wearing a school girl outfit complete with white ankle socks. It took about 45 seconds for the soles of her feet to turn completely black from dirt and grime. Ugh. Why I’m watching her feet while she does floor work I don’t know. It looked so terrible. They should clean the stage with napalm between sets. I suspect the only way to get it truly clean is to burn it down and rebuild it. Or maybe I should build a strip club stage cleaning robot. It could pop out between sets like a little Zamboni machine and clean the stage between sets. Curiously the dirt doesn’t bother me if I can’t see it. I know the dirt is still there. It must be a bachelor thing.

Gum Chomping
The fantasy I pay for at the club is that dancer likes spending time with me. I know outside the club most dancers would barely acknowledge my existence. But inside the club the laws of reality can be temporarily be suspended for the right price. There is something about gum chomping that just feels like a passive aggressive jab at my little world. Chomping on her gum like a billy goat is monumentally annoying. It’s a horrible barnyard sound drilling into my inner ear. I absolutely will not buy dances from a girl chomping gum.

Fortunately for there are lots of dancers that have two eye brows, shoes, and don’t chew gum. So I’ll be safe for a while. But I have thought about buying all the gum in the vending club machine from time to time.

The Pitiful Princess

I recently read an article on Oregonlive about an exchange between a strip club owner and a columnist for the Oregonian. The author used deceptive tricks to promote a personal agenda instead of forming solid argument. I understand this is an opinion piece but and not an investigative report, but I just can’t pass up pointing out some of the methods she uses.

“As a feminist, I find strip clubs offensive and worry that they contribute
to violence against women and sex trafficking.”

She doesn’t like strip clubs and admits it right up front. But she couples the admission with a couple of accusations or violence and human trafficking.

Do strip clubs contribute to violence against women? Let’s do some quick math. The Washington and Oregon have dramatically different laws regarding strip clubs; consequently there are significantly more clubs in Oregon than Washington. I think Mcloughlin boulevard in Portland has more strip clubs on it that the entire state of Washington. Oregon has a population of 3,826,000. During 2009 there were 1167 forcible rapes in Oregon. If you divide the population by the number of rates reveals that one person out of 3278 was a victim of rape. In Washington (population 6,664,000) there were 2539 forcible rapes, which gives a rate of one person out of 2624 was a victim. Despite the fact their higher number of strip clubs, Oregon has a lower overall rape rate. This is a single data point, but at least it based on real information.

The accusation of sex trafficking I find extreme. Exactly why would a strip club owner want to get involved with sex trafficking? Dancers pay the strip club to work there. Exactly what would the advantage of sex trafficking be? The owner is losing a source of income. A club owner would risk a serious jail time to replace dancers that pay to be there. Why? A club is going to be inspected by the health department, the OLCC will make undercover checks, and random people (including police) will be walking in off the street. Not to mention other dancers trying to audition there. Trying to keep something like this secret in a strip club would be impossible.

By phrasing it in terms that “she worries” the author can cast any sort of accusation without having to provide proof. It’s her opinion. As long as it’s your own opinion you can make any claim you want regardless of facts. A lot of anti-strip club folks use this tactic. Since most of the public is unaware as to how clubs operate and what really goes on there, most people will accept accusations as fact. The other advantage is that it difficult to refute these types accusations. She wrote exactly one sentence of innuendo but it takes me an entire page to put together counter argument. An author can bury a subject in bullshit this way.

The author continues on the major point of the article; she doesn’t like the name ‘The Pitiful Princess’ for a strip club. I actually agree with her here but for different reasons. The name is stupid. Outside of it being alliteration, it has no other redeeming value from a marketing point of view. Why would you associate the word pitiful with your business. But it's his business so he can call it what ever he wants.

The author’s issue is a bit different. In her opinion his business name is offensive to the neighborhood. Since little girls are usually into being a princess and this will force parents to explain strip clubs to small children. I have five nieces and at some point in their life they’ve all been into princesses. They also wanted to be ballerinas and Broadway dancers too. I’ve been in that exact position. I was taking my niece to Fred Meyer’s in Beaverton when we drove past Stars Cabaret. My niece saw ‘Cabaret’ and got really excited. She wanted go there on her birthday and see the ‘cabaret’ dancers. I just simply explain to her that it was just a fancy name for a bar and there were no ‘Cabaret’ dancers. She was disappointed but that was the end of it.

I know that it’s always not that simple. There are a lot of bad things in the world I don’t want to have to explain to children. The author reasoning goes adult (sex) businesses should not use anything in their marketing that could be strongly associated with children. The problem is where do you draw the line? By picking a something very subjective you can bend the rules to what suits your agenda. Little girls are also really into cosmetics should Club Rouge change its name?

If you expand the concept to include adult issues that aren’t sex related a lot of fairy tales become bad things. Hansel and Gretel has cannibalism. The Princess and the Pea has a very subversive message, that the somebody is better purely because of their heritage. Basing somebody’s worth by the situation of their birth is the basis of bigotry. Should we censor the story?

The author is very honest in her opinion, she doesn’t like strip clubs. The problem is a starts with ideology then tries to make the facts fit it. Would the author be so upset if the Pitiful Princess was a second clothes store? Probably not. Most of the anti-strip club folks operate this way. They start out with an agenda and begin looking for any facts that support their opinion and ignore all the facts that don’t. This is a typical method a politicking. Where I have problem with articles like this is they take focus off where it should be. Sex trafficking is serious stuff, why focus on strip clubs when they aren’t the problem. It just wastes time and resources.

The author is complaining about the name, but a lot of groups are trying to shut down businesses using the same type of logic. There are a lot things out side my door I don’t like. Just because I don’t like them and find them uncomfortable doesn’t mean they should be banned.

Vote for Rocket

Normally I don't mention dancers directly, but I'll do a little hyping here. Vote for Rocket for Summer's hottest dancer. Anybody who helped organize the Tsunami Relief has my vote.

http://xoticspot.com/rocket

Remember vote early, vote often

How to date a stripper

You can’t. Just quit right now. I don’t get asked a lot of questions on my blog, but this question comes in more than any other. Why can’t you get a stripper to date you? The question is fundamental flawed. The question makes the assumption that there is something special about dancers. That there is some sort of secret trick that will always work. How do you ask a stripper out? How do you ask a waitress out or how do you ask a doctor out, it’s the exact same problem. What a person does for a living does not define who they are.

There are a thousand things you can do to make a dancer not want to date you. One of the best ways to make sure a dancer will never go out with you is to try and ask her out. Most clubs have rules against dating customers. You are a customer which means that her primary interest is to make money of you. That last fact can sometimes really hard for some customers to accept. Most people will decide what they want to be true then only acknowledge the things that confirm the belief and ignore the things that deny it. Unfortunately for dancers aspects of their job will lead guys to think they are interested in them. I suppose they are interested in their actually interested in some of their customers, but as customers not dating material. However, there are customers will just notice things like she pays attention to him and ignore the other things like she is doing this because she pays him.

Despite the overwhelming odds against dating a dancer it does happen. I can speak from personal experience, having dated a couple of girls who also danced. So here is my two step method on “How to get a stripper to date you”. Step one: hang out at the same club for six years. During that time never do anything that can be remotely creepy. If you do you’ll have to wait another six years. You could get a master’s degree in that time if you’re industrious, or at least a bachelor’s degree. And it would probably cost less too. During the six years you must tip well as not to look like too much of a tight wad.

If you make the six year probation period, you still can’t do anything. But by now you’ve probably established the reputation of being a normal person. Why six years? By this point most of the dancers you were a jerk too have moved on and the ones that are left you’ve probably tipped a couple of thousand dollars so they more inclined to look on you favorably. Now step two: all you have to wait to meet a dancer who has similar interests as you, you get along with, and also find’s you attractive. This will probably take another couple years. It would probably be much more effective to go some where else to look for a date. Seriously, it’s a strip club not a dating service.

For those of few of you who still read this blog, thanks for being patient. I’ve had a few medical issues recently. It sucks getting old. I’ve seemed to have resolved everything so I’ll return to my usual blogging routine. At least I’ll post more than once every six months.

Good Vibrations

If I had a bucket list I should be able to tick something off now. I helped a dancer friend pick out a new vibrator. I know it’s kind of boring but there are worse problems to have. It all started out with off hand comment Savannah made about needing a new vibrator. Her current one was a gift from a friend and beginning to die. Savannah (not her real name) was feeling a little uncomfortable about buying a vibrator by herself.

I have to admit it initially struck me a little odd that a stripper would be uncomfortable buying a sex toy. I guess that no matter how enlighten I think I am toward the strip club world I still harbor my hidden stereotypes. I think you need to put yourself in uncomfortable places from time to time to see different sides of yourself. Anyway I got over my surprised and we figured out a time to meet a local Fantasy Video store.

I arrived at Fantasy Video early for our appointment. I almost always arrive a little early for appointments, I hate being late. I pulled out my smart phone and started to play a game waiting for Savannah to arrive. Normally this isn’t a big deal, but I quick began to feel rather weird sitting in a sex shop parking lot watching people come and go. I felt like a spy watching people when they didn’t want to be watched. Fortunately Savannah showed up right on time. After a quick hello we went in.

We headed over to the vibrator isle. I really didn’t feel out of place in the store. I think my lack of awkwardness was a result of how comfortable I am with Savannah. I suspect with most other dancers I would have been turning various shades of red. Savannah is one of those rare people who’s so down to earth and fun to be around that even awkward things are entertaining.

We were speaking in hushed tones like we in a library. We were just looking at items in a store (that happen to vibrate) but somehow talking about vibrators seemed like something you keep to yourselves, which is kind of absurd when you are in an aisle surrounded by vibrators. I supposed blurting out “Look at the size of that one!” wouldn’t be appropriate.

Savannah wandered down the aisle looking at the surprisingly wide variety of items. I went into engineering mode and began to estimate how much it would cost to make a vibrator. Most of the wand shape ones probably cost less than $5 to make. I also noticed that a fair number of the models had the exact same shape and injection molding marks. They were probably made on the exact same production line with the same parts. Some were just in fancier looking packages with higher price

tags.

We rounded the corner I found the more upscale models. I’ve heard of rabbit vibrators, but I’ve never scene one. My first impression when I saw it was “why does it come with a bottle opener?” I know it’s not a bottle opener but that’s what went through my mind. I think this is a result of being a teen in the 1970s. The twist off cap hadn’t made it to beer bottles yet. If you were going to go out drinking on a regular basis, you better be pretty adept at opening beer bottles with common items not normally used for bottle openers. Most car seat belts work perfect for opening bottles of beer. I still keep a church key in my car.

Savannah narrowed her choices down to two models of the bottle opening rabbit vibrators. She handed one to me and asked what do I think? The honest answer would have been “I have no idea”, but since I’m an engineer I always assume my opinion is important regardless of my actual knowledge so I invented something on the spot. The plastic was actually clear and you could see part the vibrators internal workings. This particular model had the additional functionality of a massage mechanism. It had two concentric plates that spun around a shaft. They looked exactly like cutting wheels on a ditch digging machine. Considering the intended use of the device, anything that looked like it could cause damage would be bad. “I think the other one is better”, it had a series of roller bearings that look like something from a massage chair. After a few minutes of consideration Savannah decided she’d ask the folks behind the front desk for their opinion.

On the way to the desk Savannah stopped by to look at some panties. I stood by quietly while she browsed. I almost started browsing as well, but considering my tendency to feel the texture of clothes first I probably would have looked a little creepy. Wandering around fondling underwear probably would have not turned out well. I decided to just keep my hands in my pockets.

I was surprised at the counter the clerks offered to put batteries in the vibrators so Savannah could see how they worked. In a matter of seconds both devices were primed and loaded. I was handed one of them. I’ve scene TV remote controls with less buttons. In cartoons there is always the one character that has to push the button, even if he doesn’t know what it does. That’s me.

I had to push the button. The biggest button in this case, since there was a variety to chose from. Amazingly the vibrator started to vibrate (imagine that) with a low hum. I pushed the button again assuming it would switch off. Instead the vibrator shifted up a gear in intensity. I quickly punched the button. The vibrator went into overdrive. The hum had turned into a low growl. I felt a mild panic rise in my stomach. I hit another button. Instead of shutting down the bottle opener attachment started to buzz. The growl picked up a new tone and turn into a yowl. I’ve always considered myself technically savvy, but I was at a loss here. I felt my ears start to turn red. I should have just asked for help. Instead I just started mashing buttons down until the damn thing eventually went silent. I’m not sure what I hit but I didn’t care at the moment.

I traded with Savannah, this time carefully handling the device to prevent any further damage to my ego. Savannah eventually selected one and the purchased was made. We said good bye and Savannah headed home. I got home and decided to look up how a rabbit vibrator is used online. I had a pretty good idea, but just wanted to confirm my suspicions. I was amazed to find some instructional web sites that look like public service announcements that would help you have “years of enjoyment with your new purchase”. Some people take their sex toys very seriously. I wasn’t able to locate an instruction manual. I’ll keep looking, next time I’m going to be better prepared. I’m not going to be outwitted by a vibrator next time.

Can you find the strip club?

I was reading through the SOS website about how strip clubs attract crime to neighborhoods. According to SOS they don't pay taxes either. Just out of curiosity I did a little research on line to see if I can this trend. A Stars Cabaret strip club open not too far from me. So I check the local crime statistics to see what kind of impact it has. After examining a few of maps I decided to make a test. After examining the maps for yourself, can you find where the strip club is? Note, these maps show all the crimes committed between March 2010 and February 2011. If strip clubs are ground zero for crime, it seems logical that crime should be the highest at or near where the club is.

First map is simple assault, because people always get in fights in strip club parking lots:

This one is sex crimes. Only crazed perverts frequent strip clubs

Strip clubs are fronts for prostitution! I know this because I read it on the SOS website.

This is for drugs. All strippers are drug addicts or going to become drug addicts.

DUIIs because everybody is always hammered at strip clubs

Disorderly conduct, just to cover other things like pissing in the parking lot and flashing cars as they drive by.

Can you guess where the club is?

I can't really draw many conclusions with these maps. The club doesn't seem to really be central to anything. I can't see any real impact. Perhaps I need to accumulate more data. But how could you separate crime from the club and crime from the mall across the street? I'll see if I can get data from before Star's Bridgeport opened and after it opened.

The problem I have with the SOS website is they throw up a bunch of unsubstantiated claims then run with them as if they are scientific facts. Their first claim is the clubs "avoid paying taxes". Do strip club owners cook the books? Undoubtedly, but do strip club owners do it any more than other businesses? I don't know myself. But without any quality studies I can't make or refute the statement. To make a naked assertion without facts is completely unethical.

They treat workers as independent contractors to avoid employment taxes and fair employment laws. There is some truth to this. It seems to me it be better to actually deal with unfair practices rather then just jettison the whole thing. I'm wonder if they are so concerned about the working conditions of the people who make their clothes or electronics.

Strip clubs also do nothing to maintain their buildings or grounds ignoring county and city codes. Exactly where do they get the data for this? I did a survey of clubs for health department inspections. The clubs were all over the map but they all passed. This accusation is just made up. If they are going to try and change the laws they should base their arguments on real data. These are laws that affect peoples lives. They shouldn't be based on made up data.

Notable Noticeable's

The amount of money dancers pay for clothes and makeup is kind of staggering. It never ceases to amaze me. I joked in a previous blog post about the similarities between fishing and dancing. I know a dancer that had a tool box for all her MAC makeup and other goodies but how much do these things really payoff? What do us customers really notice?

I can only comment from my position as a regular and these are just my observations: recently I was sitting with a dancer who was complaining that she hadn’t been tanning recently and felt she looked pale. I did a quick comparison with myself and her. I always use myself as the official standard of pale. I’m about as pale as you can get and still have pigmentation. Imagine the Pillsbury dough man with glasses. I simply just don’t tan. I just go from white to red and back to white. If I do start to get a tan something has gone horribly wrong. I always put on sun block when I go out into the sun. Not just any sun block, but 90+ stuff. I want the lights to dim when I walk into a room. I know over a certain sun block number I’m just wasting my money, but I don’t care.

Getting back to the dancer I really couldn’t tell if she was really pale or not. We were currently being bathed in red and blue LED light. She actually had a rather nice complexion for a smurf. The red and blue light resulted in a really lovely shade of purple. You can't really judge skin tone in most strip clubs. Between the lack of lights (it’s dark in most strip clubs) and what lights they do have are all either colored or flashing. Most of the time you can’t really tell how pale a dancer is.

Some dancers will intentionally create tan lines for the copper tone girl look. I spent one evening at the club trying to estimate what skin tone dancers actually had. The only generalizations I could make are dark hair girls tended to look paler than blondes. The outfit also make a difference, dark clothes made the dancer look paler. Light clothes made her look tan. The real conclusion is that if you don't have any sort of benchmark to compare against it’s really difficult to tell how tan a dancer actually is. It’s easier for dancers to judge each other because they see each other in the dressing room. That gives them a reference point.

This leads to another question, if the typical customer can't tell how tan the dancer is why should she be spending money on the tanning? If it makes her feel more confident about her looks then she should. Attitude is huge when it comes to a dancer’s money. Lots of drop dead gorgeous girls make terrible money because they just sit at the bar, drink and don't approach customers. If tanning makes her feel more attractive and more positive than it’s definitely worth the money.

In my opinion clothing makes a big difference. This may sound kind of odd coming from a guy paying to see clothes being removed. My first impression of a dancer is when she is wearing clothes. I'll probably decide in the first 30 seconds if I'm going to spend more money on her. I've always found it odd that some dancers treat clothes like fishing lures. If customers aren't biting with one outfit she'll "upgrade the slutwear" and change to something else. While I initially didn't give this much credence, there may be something too this. Different days and times draw different crowds. What a group of twenty something hipsters might find attractive late Friday night is probably different than a group of forty something mid life crisis guys would find attractive early Saturday evening.

Another important factor about clothes is most customers’ first impression is at a distance. Most customers’ first look at a dancer usually comes at a distance, usually from across the room. Dancers have the really difficult problem of being scrutinized from both really close up and from over 30' away. Clothing can greatly enhance that first impression.

I've notice that tattoos don't always work so well with clothes. I admit that being older that my biases toward tattoo's are different the people younger than me. While I tend to be ambivalent towards tattoos after I've gotten to know the person, my initial impression is always a little negative toward them. Growing up tattoos we're pretty rare. If somebody had a tattoo they we're probably either a Hell's Angel or career Navy person. My expectation is not to see a tattoo on a person so I'm always a little shocked when I do. One criticism I have of tattoos on dancers it they don't look good when viewed from a distance. I have to admit I’ve looked at a few girls thought to my self “I hope that’s a tattoo”. Most tattoos are very detailed works of art. How they look up close is very different from across the room. At a distance they tend to look like bruises or other skin maladies. I suspect for younger people who are used to seeing tattoos this isn't the case, they don't have the same expectations that I do.

Again, these are all my observations. What’s important to me won’t be important to another customer. I don’t think there is the “right” look for a dancer. The important thing is that she thinks she looks good.

T&A Tsunami Relief

Just on a personal note, I work for a Japanese hi-tech company. I spent the day after the earthquake setting up international calls for peoples families. We have a lot of Japanese ex-patriots here who have family in the Miyagi prefecture. You don't need to speak the language to hear the pain and fear. I'll be there.

(Repost) I'm an idiot and I've got the paper to prove it

I normally don't repost blogs, but I've gotten a couple of recent e-mails and comments asking about the time I got carried out of a strip club on a stretcher. The one is buried fairly deep in the achrives. This post is one of times it really strikes me that many dancers aren't just emotionless grinding wheels in heels but truely compassionate people.

For somebody who bitches a lot about the Dolphin clubs, I seem to spend a lot of time there. I have to admit I met some amazing people who work at the D1 and D2. In the PDX blackbook profile one of the questions you get asked is what is the weirdest thing you've seen at a strip club? Me? Getting carried out the back on a stretcher is the weirdest thing I've seen and experienced.

Several years ago I had a really busy Saturday, Outside of some coffee for breakfast I didn't eat anything all day. This isn't something too weird for me, I'm a creature of habit. When its time to eat I'm hungry, when it isn't I'm not. I can go to bed starving to death and wake up not feeling hungry at all. Important safety tip, you can do this when you are young. When you get in to your 40s, eat something.

I went in to D1 to see one of my favorite dancers. This dancer is a bit notorious for being late. She doesn't move in straight lines. I sat at a table for a bit. After having one drink and started to feel bad, a bit nauseas. I got up and headed over to the video game machine. You know you've been at club too long when you like playing the games there. While sitting at the game I had another drink. Still wasn't feeling well. After about a half hour of playing games I about ready to call it an evening when my favorite dancer finally made it over to me. We chatted for a little bit. I remember getting up from the game to give a hug good bye.

The next thing I remember is somebody shaking me and call my name. It was one of those unreal moments when reality seems to have shattered into little pieces and you can only grasp little fragments of it. My first thought was "why were all these people in my bed room" Then my situation began take shape in my mind and reality began to intrude on me. I was crumpled along the bar like a rag doll. I had fainted. I slowly sat up with help from the bouncer. I started taking inventory of all my extremities, making sure everything was still where it should be. Fortunately I hit a couple bar stools on my way down. While this left a couple of nasty bruises, bouncing off the bar stools slowed down my fall preventing me from really hurting my self.

With help I was led back to the kitchen. If you asked me I would have told you I was OK, if I was a boxer they would have given me a standing eight count. The staff sat me down and called the paramedics. I nearly faded a couple times sitting there. I'm not sure if it was just timing, or if it really made a difference but somebody threw a cold towel over my neck. This brought me back, instantly. Everything snapped together and the full realization hammered me. A series of emotions swept over me, first relief that I was OK, then embarrassment, then fear. I've never fainted before, why now?

The paramedics arrived and began to attend to the situation. One started taking all my vital signs, the other questioned the waitress who had been serving me. I think they were expecting for find a really drunk guy at a bar on a Saturday night (imagine that). I could hear the paramedic repeatedly asking the waitress "how many drinks did I have She replied two. The other paramedic started questioning me about how much I had to drink, and also started asking me some background information. I've always had a really good memory for numbers. When I was able to tell the paramedic, my SSN, my driver's license number, and AMEX number (they had my wallet) without error. They were first surprised, then suddenly much more serious. My satisfaction of proving I wasn't drunk quickly evaporated when they started asking questions like "are your fingers or toes tingling?", "do you feel any pressure on your chest?", "Can you move your fingers on your left and right hands.?" Did I just have a stroke or heart attack? They began a much more serious evaluation of me. They asked if they could take me to the hospital. That seemed like a really good idea. Very quickly I was carted off and in the back of an ambulance.

The ride the hospital was really disorienting. The ambulance is completely enclosed. I'm flat on my back. I felt we were driving in circles. I then got asked (at least from my point of view) one of the stupidest questions ever. One of the paramedics asked me "Do you think you need an IV?" Let's see, I'm an electronic engineer who less than an hour ago dented a bar stool with his skull. Obviously I should be making medical decisions. Let's see, if it will keep me alive, STICK THE IV IN MY GOD DAMN ARM! I know, lets play Cash Cab and do a triage street shout out, we'll pull over and ask a complete stranger "excuse me sir, do you think we should give the patient an IV or amputate his head?" With all the rage an electronic engineer who is strapped to a gurney can muster I whimpered "Sure, if you think it a good idea."

I was rolled into the emergency room (IV attached). In a blur of people and activity I was wired up, measured and evaluated. The Doctor look at the results, everything seemed to be OK, he decided to take readings for an hour and check back later. And in a flash everybody was gone, and I was alone in a room. That was probably the most frightening, lonely moment. Now what? The patient monitoring machine whirred quietly next to me. It was made by GE Medical. GE Medical buys product from the company I work for. Not only that, about four years a go I had some a little work with GE Medical to help qualify that model with the FDA for use as a medical device. Now it was monitoring my health. A weird karmic moment, but it made me feel a lot better than some of my work is used to help people (Especially me) I nurse walked by a mentioned that my friend was waiting in the lobby. Huh? She must be mistaken.

I began to sort out what I was going to do. It looked like I was going to survive the night. I wasn't thrilled at the thought of taking a cab back to my car (still parked at the Dolphin) but that seemed like the best option. Having your family pick you up at an emergency room after being hauled out of a strip club is the kind of thing you'll be explaining for the rest of your life. I was trying to calculate how much cab far would be back to my car. Kind of difficult when you don't know where you are. It was at this moment when had I another surrealistic moment, my favorite dancer walked into the room. She had followed the ambulance to the hospital, had been keeping track of me the entire time. The staff finally let her back to see me. I don't think I've had such feeling of warmth and relief than to know that I wasn't alone and somebody was there.

I read in Scientific American that the human brain can only relate to a relatively limited number of people as individuals. The brain will put them into groups to simplify its task. It will pick a major trait such as race, age, religion, or profession to predetermine how you will expect them to act. I'm no different. I've had enough negative dealings with dancers to assume the worst. The all dancers we're fundamentally greedy individuals. All the prejudices I that had about dancers was shattered at the point. It would have been the easiest thing in the world for her to wave good bye as I put in the ambulance. Late Saturday night is prime time for making money, yet she took off to make sure some goof ball was OK. It's one thing to be concerned, it is something else to do something about it. I'm a very lucky person to know somebody like her.


After getting my head x-rayed, and few further tests run I was given some medication: A ham sandwich from the break room snack machine. My blood sugar had fallen from lack of intake. After the being processed and released I noticed that one of the documents given was a one page sheet describing what had happen and recommended treatment. The recommended treatment? Eat regular meals. I'm an idiot and I've got the paper to prove it. But I'm a lucky idiot with some really good friends.

Group Hug

You can have a pod of whales, a pride of Lions, a murder of crows or a conspiracy of lawyers. So what would you call a group of strippers? I’m sure there is a real answer for that but don’t know what it is. So I’ll try to think of a name.

The grouping name (pride, pod, murder, warren, colony, etc) seems to fall into all types of words. Nouns, adjectives, verbs, etc... They can also be things, descriptions or pretty much anything else. I suppose the thing to explore would be stripper activities. You could have a hustle of strippers or a grind of strippers. A dance of strippers? Nah, none of those sound right. How about a strip of strippers or peel of strippers? A strip of strippers is actually kind of hard to say fast three times.It sounds like “Strip’ah Strippers”. It doesn’t roll off the tongue easy enough. I always associate peel with bells- not belles. Maybe a spin of strippers?

How about things associated with the club. A stage of strippers? No. Stage of strippers sounds like progressions in their career. (Baby stripper, Pro strippers, Burn out Strippers, psycho strippers, etc). How about a rack of strippers? I can hear the comments now “Look at the rack on that rack”. A rail of strippers? Nope. That makes them sound angry. Maybe a buzz of strippers if you take an alcohol or illegal substance tack.

Maybe something about how they affect the customers. A boner of strippers. No, that’s just wrong. A drool of strippers isn’t much better. From a customer’s financial point of view it could be a deficit of strippers. A deficit of strippers is usually what’s going on at the club on Sundays with a two girl rotation.

Perhaps it could be something to do with equipment. A heel of strippers? That has some unflattering connotations. A string of strippers? Nah, a bag of strippers? No, that has the same problem a heel has. I think if I said, “look at the bag of strippers over there”it would result in my untimely death. Maybe make up? It could be a blush of strippers or rouge of strippers.

Perhaps a strip clubs management’s reaction would be a good description: like a migraine of strippers or a pain of strippers. A shriek of strippers? I’ve heard some pretty unpleasant sounds coming out of the dressing room. My personal favorite is what usually happens when a group gets together with some alcohol liberally added: a drama of strippers.

I’m sure there are better ones. Post your thoughts in the comments, I’d love to hear some.

More thoughts on pricing

I was originally going to post this blog in the form of a debate: Customer vs. Dancer "What should the price of lap/couch dance be?" I was going to try debate a dancer via e-mail. I would start with a statement and make a short argument. Then send it to her for her to argue back. Do that a couple times, then blog the result. When I began to outline my arguments one thing became apparent: I had no moral grounds for my arguments. By saying prices shouldn’t go up, I’m basically saying dancers should make less money. As the cost of living goes up dancers have to work more to maintain the same level income. That kind of killed my enthusiasm for the debate. I’ll try to think of something else. Do any Dancers have any topics they’d like to debate with a customer?

I still put some time into the subject and will post my thoughts. In my opinion, one major logistical issue preventing prices from being increased is the current denominations of money. A stage tip is still a buck. It was a buck in the 1980s when I went to my first strip club. This is nearly three decades (at least) of a frozen price. The next denomination up is the two dollar bill. More practically it’s a five dollar bill. Two dollar bills represent less than 1% of the money currently in circulation. Requiring two dollars would work just as well. The problem is that that is a 100% increase in pricing. There is no intermediate step

Couch and lap dances don’t have quite the same pricing shock. A five dollar increase is a substantial increase but not extreme. There are barriers to raising prices but nothing overwhelming. The real barrier (in my opinion) is the club owners. I’m sure all the dancers reading this are rolling their eyes as I state what is hugely obvious to them.

The dancer work situation with the club owners is peculiar. The idea of contracting out space or time from somebody else isn’t unique. Conceptually it isn’t much different from a vendor renting space at a Saturday market or a sports venue. This includes setting prices. What is hugely different for dancers is they actually have to compete with people who they are paying stage fees too. Every dollar that customer spends on drinks, food, or cover charge is a dollar he is not spending on the dancer. Most guys don’t have separate budgets for drinks and dancers. Dancers are all at once: a customer, employee and competitor with the club owner.

The customer/employee relationship is exactly the same business relationship I have when I do a trade show. They tell me when and where I have to be and when I have to show up. Part of the contract with the exhibit hall is that people will be present to operate the booth. They also have rules of conduct. If you show up late or act like idiots the exhibit hall can kick you out of a show. The only time I’ve seen somebody kicked out was for problems with payment. I’ve walked onto the show floor to start up the exhibits and the booth next to us is gone, now replaced with a 30’ x 30’ piece of blank carpet. Exhibit halls will put up with a lot except not getting paid. However, if the Exhibit hall tried to compete for my customers I’d blow a head gasket.

I don’t see pricing changing soon. There is no real incentive for owners to increase the tip or dance prices. It potentially cuts into the owner’s revenue and gives customers a reason to visit clubs that have lower prices. The owners are actually better off keeping the price low. I’m not sure how you would encourage the owners to raise the prices. It would take some sort of worker's strike. Unfortunately, as long as there is an endless supply of new dancers there won’t be a way to increase the price. The one dollar tip at the rail and the $20 lap dance have become the token amount.

I think most dancers look at their job as only temporary situation. They really don’t consider it a long term possibility. Because of that they are more willing to accept the pricing controls. I’m willing to fight for major changes in my career. I’m not going to take on an employer for a job I don't plan on keeping.

More ways to know your spending too much time at a strip club

This just another post about spending too much time at a strip club. For more check here and here.

• The girl in front of you at the check out line is buying false eye lashes, shoe no skid, baby wipes, breath mints and pays for it from a $90 stack of ones. You know what she does for a living.
• You know how thick a $90 stack of ones looks like.
• While taking your niece shopping for her birthday you stop by American Apparel. You know more people there than she does.
• The people you know have more tattoos than the people your niece knows.
• Your niece is both impressed and creeped out by this.
• You spend more time researching for your strip club blog than you do for your day job.

Making the A list

I have one personality quirk about clothes. Texture is more important to me than the color or fit. I like soft clothes. I’m really not that concerned about color matching. If my socks are the same color when I leave in the morning, I am dressed to kill. It’s not that I don’t understand how colors match. They're just not important to me. I don’t care what color my sheets are but they have to be 400 thread count or better.

I really don’t know why texture is important to me. The only thing I can think of is that I’m really near sighted. I spent most of my early childhood not being able to see much around me. Neither of my parents or any of my siblings needed glasses. I’m the only person with a really heavy prescription. Since nobody in my family needed glasses, nobody expected me to need them. In school I was able to fake my way through the eye tests up until the fifth grade. The result was that I never really saw the chalk board for the first five years of school. I was smart enough to get barely passing grades by doing homework and listening to the teacher. It’s kind of amazing I got as far as I did in school. I’m really amazed that I didn’t get killed riding my bike around. If I new how little I could actually see I never would have ventured out on to the street. It was an absolute revelation when I did get glasses as to how much I was missing. I remember not wanting glasses because I didn’t want to get teased. Once I got them, I didn’t care about getting teased. While I didn’t learn much from school, I did learn to do a lot of things by feel.

Maybe being near sighted has nothing to do with it all but that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Wearing soft clothes to strip clubs is one of my secret weapons. I stumbled upon this purely by accident. I bought a microfiber shirt that is almost velvety. I wore it to the club one night (mostly because it was the only clean shirt I had). I was really surprised by the reaction the shirt got from dancers. You sometimes get not quite sincere compliments during the dances. People are more complimentary when you are paying them. I tend to ignore them. However, the reaction I got afterward was amazing. For the remainder of the evening I was constantly getting touched, stroked, or randomly hugged by dancers when they walked by me. Getting fondled (for free) is always a good thing for a strip club patron.

It really became noticeable when a lot of dancers start to take note when I didn’t wear my soft shirts. The first words out of their mouth after hello would be “why are you wearing that shirt?” I actually began to sort my shirts in terms of having an A list set, B list, and everything else. A lot of dancers find this shirt sorting totally amusing. I suppose this is another sign you’ve been a strip club customer too long when you start planning your wardrobe around visiting the club.

I’m pretty sure a couple of my shirts are more popular than I am. If I don’t wear them for a little bit dancers will begin to ask if the shirts are OK. That’s fine with me though. I’d rather be remembered for this than being a creep.

Songs I'd like to hear in a strip club

Here are some songs I'd like to hear in a strip club but never have. These songs predate most dancers by a decade so it isn't too surprising. Dancers should add them to their play list on occasion. You might make some old guy's night.

A cool Tubes song other than "She's a beauty". This was actually a pretty innovative video when it came out.

This is one of the few disco songs I liked in the 70's. You gotta love the video toaster special effects.

I can also remember when punk rock was the most shocking thing on the radio.

I still love puck rock despite being nearly fifty

Alan Parson's music maybe severely over produced, but songs about Edgar Allen Poe stories are inherently cool.

I know this song has no beat, but its still one of my favorites

.

Still don't know why I don't hear more Queen in strip clubs. Great theatric music. Killer Queen doesn't get as much air play as the others.

Exit poll

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Really Ugly Betty

When I first started writing this blog in 2007 dancers used to be really interested when they found out I wrote a blog about strip clubs. Now, telling a dancer I have a blog is like telling them I have a belly button. I’m sure they’re happy I have one, but they don’t want to see it. Now I have to up my marketing by telling them I have a blog that was mentioned in Maxim magazine recommended as a must read. To backup my bullshit I decided to see if I could find an electronic version of the article for my cell phone. Yea, I know that sounds desperate. One thing that kind of sucked about the Maxim article is they put down the name of the blog, not the URL. The only people who found my blog are the ones that went searching for it.

I was searching for my electronic ego stroke when I found this piece of internet tripe. The article was on a site called “Betty Confidential”. It was about what they discovered about the way men think from Maxim magazine. You can learn a lot about 50% of world’spopulation from a magazine that has an article on “How to beat up Bigfoot”. Not. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that a site that makes gross generalizations about men should make gross generalizations about strip clubs. It's amazing they were able to compress a bunch of stripper stereo type's into a single paragraph and a couple comments. Here’s the section about stripper blogs.

“3. They like to read strippers’ (yes, strippers) blogs.

The October issue of Maxim features a list of “must-read blogs” penned by pole-dancing honeys. Apparently, it isn’t enough for guys to see them slide down a pole anymore – they need to read about it, too. The blogs include hobostripper.com, angrystripper.wordpress.com, katstories.tumblr.com, and more. Quick, go check your guy’s browsing history now to make sure none of these sites are on it.”

First thing that strikes me about this is that they either didn’t read any of the blogs or didn’t bother to give them any credit. Most guys would benefit from reading these blogs. You will get a serious dose of humanity from them. The last line is absurd: "Quick, go spy on your boyfriend and get really upset if he's reading about people's real life experiences". I suspect that actually reading the blogs would shatter their precious stereotypes that makes them feel superior.

I tried to leave a comment on the blog. I even signed up for a “Betty Confidential” account. I took the low road. I pointed out that if your relationship was so shaky that even reading about strip club blogs was a problem, it was doomed anyway. Then I pointed out that most of the blog writers have college degrees. It comment didn't appear on the site. Either I didn’t fill it out correctly or they deleted it. In any case, I didn’t try very hard.

The comments are just as bad: “Thang?” Barf. I don't think there are any branches on her family tree. (Que banjo music). The second comment is just condescending and ignorant. Seriously, stripper = illiterate, LOL? That's pathetic.

#1. CityLady212 on 10/08/2010 - 1:49 pm (EDT)

That's interesting about the oral sex thang!

#2. ChattyCathy on 10/08/2010 - 4:56 pm (EDT)

LOL stripper blogs??

I guess you get what you pay for. I always wondered where the writers who couldn't make the grade at Tiger Beat went to.

Recycling

It’s always a little questionable whether a retiring dancer is actually going to retire. Things change after they hang up the heels. They may find themselves in a situation again where they need to start dancing again. Hearing the name of a “retired” dancer called to stage can generate a surprisingly emotional response in me.

If it’s a dancer I didn’t like, it will put my teeth on edge. It’s like sitting in class the first day of school and discovering the kid you really hate is going to be sitting next to you this year. Going to a strip club is an emotional experience. It can be lust, friendship, affection, acceptance, or any other one. You don’t walk out of strip clubs with anything (except a lighter wallet). You go there for the experience. Sometimes it’s a negative emotion. I’ll watch the stage to see if the dreaded dancer has returned. Fortunately there are only a few dancer I’ve ever really hated.

Seeing a dancer return is almost always a good thing. It’s sort of like accidentally running into a friend you haven’t talked to in a while. There is a gloomy side to it as well. When most dancers retire they are moving on in their life to something new. Usually, it’s a new career, relationship or something like that. If she's dancing again something has probably gone wrong. The relationship didn’t work or the new job didn’t pan out. It’s not a sign of failure, but it’s probably not what she wanted to do again.

When you hear the dancer’s name called and somebody completely new walks on stage, it’s sometimes a sad thing for me. A new dancer taking over a name is kind of the official end of the old dancer’s tenure at the club. You are not going to see this person again. You’ve just lost a friend. Sometimes a dancer will give you an e-mail address or something like that. It’s difficult to maintain a relationship outside the club. I suppose that this is another sign you’ve been a customer at strip clubs too long when just hearing a name can affect your evening. Sometimes it just a name, sometimes it more. Your only connection to the person is just a made up name. When you lose the name, you lose the person.