The Strippies

I normally avoid strip club events like the plague but this is one event I will attend. This has to be a strip club patron's deal of a century. For only $10 ($13 at the door) you can see all the top dancers in one place. This would cost a fortune in tips if you went to each club to see each girl at her home club. For more details check the PDX Strippies Facebook page.

The event will be at the Mt Tabor Theater (not a club) which means reasonably priced drinks and no peculiarities in the judging. You pick the winners with your vote. So be sure and vote by e-mail (PDXSTRIPPIEAWARDS@YAHOO.COM) or go the the Facebook page.

Code of conduct

(A quick note, I'd really like to thank Georgia and Natalia for taking the time to help me this post. They made this a lot better than what I originally wrote. Also I've made a fair number of changes since their original edits, so all the grammar errors are still mine.)

I’ve tried to write this post on how to act in a strip club multiple times and each time I end up frustrated. There are two things that always stump me. One, I don’t like lecturing to people and this makes me feel like I’m lecturing. The other, is that different guys go to different clubs for different reasons. I suspect a lot of guys will read the following and think "what a dork", but the following are ways I think a person should conduct themselves at a club. Granted, different clubs have different cultures. I tend to hang out in the higher end clubs in Portland.

Tipping
The dancers are there to make money. Most dancers don’t wake up with an over powering desire to get on a stage and take their clothes off. They are there to make money. Period. A dancer only makes money when you tip. In the vast majority of clubs, she is spending between $20 to $100 dollars minimum in tip outs and fees in Portland. In other cities like Vegas it’s a lot more. Keep that in mind if you wonder why dancers get upset when you don't tip.

The dancer has to pay stage fees, tip out security and the DJ. Other clubs have even more fees. There is a minimum value she has to tip out. There is a direct correlation between how much she tips out and what kind of service she gets. Tipping the DJ the minimum may result in her getting skipped on rotation, terrible music. There is an expectation that if she has a good night, so will the tip outs be proportionally better.

"Time is money" is reality in the purest sense for a dancer. What gets misunderstood is that you don't have to pour buckets of singles onto the stage to be appreciated by the dancer. Just consistently tipping is all you have to do. "Yeah, but she has to be there anyway" is a comment I read frequently. If you just sit there not tipping, you're basically furniture to the dancer. Just something she has to walk around to get from here to there. If you act like furniture expect to be

treated like furniture.

If you want to make it rain, go for it. You’ll definitely make the dancers night and get her attention. If you are watching somebody make it rain, remember the money belongs to the dancer. Don’t help yourself to a couple bucks.

You’re tipping the dancer, not donating a kidney. If you want to get a dancers attention, just go up and ask. Don't throw wadded up bills like you're throwing fish to a trained seal. If you're doing something you feel is childish, it probably is. She is there to make a living. You're paying for the privilege of seeing her perform; you're not part of her performance. I actual try to "play down" tipping. The dancer will know who tipped what. It is in their best interest to know who the good tippers are. You don't have to staple it to your forehead.

Once you put the money on the rail, it's no longer yours. Pulling money off the rack after the dance is "bait and switch". This really ticks off the dancer. It's just like Vegas casino, once you lay your money down it's belongs to somebody else. Don't play games with the money. How would you like it if people played games with your paycheck? Lots of customers will put a $20 on the rail and pull it off at the end of the song. You might "just be having fun", but you’re the only one laughing. You might think it's clever but odds are she's seen the trick dozens of times before. It's not funny. Pulling money off the rack can get you kicked out of a club.

Don't try and negotiate the price down by wearing her down. You aren't buying a used car. This is seriously insulting to her. I know some dancers are willing to wheel and deal but most aren't. Let the dancer make the offer. I’ve had a few dancers offer that if I buy five dances, they’ll through a sixth in for free.

Twenty years ago it costs a buck a song to sit at the rail. It's still only a buck a song. Name something else that has stayed the same price for that long. It almost costs more to mail two letters. If you've ever had a problem getting paid for work you've done, you can understand how infuriating it can be. Dancers get infuriated every day. Try to say "thank you" at the end of the song. There's a real person on stage in front of you, not a robotic stripper cliché'. Courtesy doesn't stop at the doorway to a club.

Talking to a Dancer
This may seem like a silly subject but there are some common sense guidelines when talking to a dancer. Stripping is what she does, it's not who she is. The first thing you need to keep in mind is the issue of security. Getting stalked, harassed, and/or robbed is an occupational hazard for dancers. That is why she doesn’t give you her real name, what kind of car she drives, where she went to school or anything else that might reveal personal information. As a customer you are basically guilty until proven innocent. In other words, the dancer has to assume you’re a psychopath until she knows better. Not only is her personal safety at stake but the safety of her family as well. A lot of dancers are also mothers. They have to think of their family’s safety as well.

Probably the fastest way to piss off a dancer is to tell her how to do her job. Unless you walk into the club wearing 7” platform stilettos and mini lycra dress you probably shouldn’t comment on what she should wear. The same goes for make up. Your mascara also better be perfect. If you think she needs to lose weight its best to keep it to yourself. It’s not going to end well if tell her you opinion.

Don’t ask her why she became a dancer. There is no way to frame that question without making it sound like she failed some place. “So where did you go wrong in life to end up here?” is how you’ll sound. If you want the quick answer she’s dancing because she needs the money. I know some dancers don’t mind answering this question. It upsets a lot of other dancers. I’ve found its just best not to ask the question.

Simply treat the dancer like anybody else. Does she have any hobbies? Pets? What does she think about health care reform? Don’t always think you are the smartest person at the table when talking to a stripper. I have gotten into debates and discussions about conspiracy theories, the decline of the Roman Empire, and the Coptic Church with dancers. You can actually learn something at a strip club. Don’t walk in the door assuming the dancer is only there because she isn’t smart enough to get a job elsewhere.

Don’t waste the dancer’s time either. Just politely tell her you aren’t buying dances from her tonight. I used to tell them “I’m playing hard to get tonight”. I’m not sure how well that actually worked. I just tell them I’m not buying dances or waiting for somebody else.

If you think stripping is wrong then why are you in a strip club? These are the guys that just leave me speechless. If you don’t agree with strip clubs then don’t patronize them. It never ceases to amaze me that people go into a clubs to convince the dancers they are all misguided.

If you start talking down to a dancer the second you meet her, she’s probably going to shut up and let you blather on. She’ll think you are just a jerk and put up with you long enough to separate you from your money. If you treat a dancer with respect your experience improves dramatically. It’s a lot more fun to hang out with people who like you than with people who have to tolerate you.

You don’t have to lie or exaggerate when you’re taking to a dancer. You don’t have to tell her you are "Microsoft's Vice President of Nothing in Particular" to impress her. The odds are she’s already heard the lie and heard it told better. And if you really are VP of Nothing in particular at Microsoft you should probably tip like it. You’ll look like a complete ass if you brag about how much money you make then tip like a complete cheapskate.

I think you’ll have a better time if the dancer knows you are spending a big chunk of your paycheck on her. Don’t ask her out. She’s not at the club looking for a date. She gets asked out every night. It’s a strip club, not a dating service/

Appearance
How you are dressed really isn’t important. You need to at least meet the clubs dress code. The dancer doesn’t want to date you. However you do want the dancer near you. Hygiene is more important than anything else. Nobody wants to be near somebody that stinks. Having breath that can blister paint will guarantee that she will try and spend as much time as possible far away from you. If you are going to dress up wear soft clothes. Dancers typically don’t wear thick clothing. It’s a lot more pleasant to lean against somebody who feels soft. Dancers really do notice it when you make an effort to accommodate them.

Couch Dances
The dancer touches you, you don't touch the dancer. It's up to her to decide how much or how little to do. The amount of contact allowed varies a lot from club to club and where you are in the country. Don’t push the limits of what is acceptable at the club. If you don’t know just ask. She’ll be more than happy to tell you. A lot of what guys try is sexual assault. I know dancers who literally wanted to burn their clothes after giving some guy a dance. If you are looking for an escort, go hire one. The internet is filled with these services. Trying to stick your hand up her skirt is not a victimless crime. I've seen the aftermath. Making somebody fight for their own safety leaves a scar. Don’t try to kiss the dancer. Go read some of the blogs I link to see what they thing about a dancer trying to kiss them. Trying to kiss a dancer is a good way to find your self on fire.

Conclusion
After re-reading this, I realize I say "don't" a lot. Most of my advice can be summed up in "don't be a cheap ass dick head". There really isn't much you have to do. Just go have fun. I have a lot more fun with my friends than I do with strangers. Treat the dancer like they're your friend and they'll respond.

Can you pencil me in?

I don’t think I even own a pencil any more. It used to be you scheduled appointments in pencil so you could erase and changed them. That’s completely pointless now in the computer age. I was recently thinking about what has changed in the strip club experience in the past ten years or so. There is one area that has changed quite a bit. When I first started hanging out I would show up on the same day (Fridays), at the same time. I’d usually see the same girls but not always. I would show up at a specific time, hoping to, but not really expecting to see any specific dancers.

Now I rarely stop by the club at random. I’m almost always invited or am notified in advance that a specific dancer is working. It feels odd to walk into the club at random. I very much prefer to know that a favorite dancer is going to be at the club. It actually makes dealing with aggressive dancers much easier. When a dancer sits down with me I’ll usually tell them immediately that I’m waiting for somebody else. Most dancers will politely excuse themselves. Pushier dancers will come back and say, "I haven’t seen her, do you want to dance since she’s not here". Even the insistent dancer will back off if you tell her you got a text saying the other dancer is coming. Some dancers will back you into a corner to the point you have to literally tell them to fuck off.

One major difference between telling a dancer "I’m not interested" and telling a cars salesman "I’m not interested" is I’m telling the cars salesman I’m not interested in the car. However, I’m telling the dancer I’m not interested in her. It’s impossible to not take this personally. Especially when rejection comes from a pudgy, middle-aged, electrical engineer that hangs out at strip clubs.

While getting invited in makes dealing with Guido the dancer easier, it also tends to really narrow the number of dancers I talk to. I only really talk to dancers and their friends. I can draw direct links with most my current favorite dancers to older dancers that have hung up their heels.

Social networking and technology lends itself to this. With twitter I get regular updates when dancers are going to be working. It used to be getting a cell number from a dancer was a big deal. Not any more. Just to get a dancer to leave me alone, I’ve had her enter her number into my phone then delete it after she left. Talk about living in a fantasy world... This doesn’t happen outside the club when women give me their number.

Another change I’ve seen starting to happen is that dancers are starting to create multiple digital personas. They usually have their dancer digital persona of twitter, blogs, and social networking web sites. They post schedules there and use the media to communicate with customers. Then they have a “real” persona for their friends and family that don’t know they dance.

Some dancers have even started creating a third persona: the dancer commentator persona. A lot of dancers have blogs and twitter accounts where they comment on their fellow dancers and clubs they work with. (They’ve figured out that it's not always the best idea for it to be common knowledge about who is making comments on the internet!) I always find it amazing to read about people who call in sick to work then go out and party, then paste pictures and comments on facebook. Posting things like, “so happy to be getting drunk and not having to deal with my knuckle dragging Luddite boss”. Then they are amazed when the knuckle dragging Luddite boss asks them into the office to explain how sick they really were. I don’t think some dancers would appreciate that the girl next to her thinks her purple outfit makes her look like Barney the dinosaur.

Most of these changes are additions to the strip club current environment. A lot of customers still show up at specific times. I’ve noticed that the smarter dancers have learned how to take advantage of the new media. For the guys who are just stopping by out at random nothing much has changed, but for regulars things have evolved a bit.

Secret Society

I’ve always had a need to take things apart and see how they work. Fortunately for me, I got a job taking apart other people's stuff and debugging it. I’ve managed to take a personality defect and turn it into a career. The strip club culture is sort of a secret society. Most people are completely clueless as to how clubs actually operate. This blog is my way of exploring what goes on in the strip club world.

A strip club is one of the few places that people won’t tell you their real names. Outside the club most dancers don’t tell people what they do for a living. Most of the press about strip clubs is exaggerated. The ads for strip clubs don’t help either. It’s hard to tell what they're actually advertising. The obvious reason for the secrecy is security. Every dancer I know has had problems from nosy customers to being outright stalked. When you hear all the stories, you begin to appreciate the nuts that dancers have to deal with. I've heard of customers following dancers to different cities after they get off a shift. You’d think that living several hundred miles away in a different city would be enough to deter most customers from following you home. Unfortunately no. Commuting dancers run into customers where they have no business being. Most customers don’t understand how much is costs to be a dancer either. I bet most would be surprised to learn the dancer will spend more money on stage fees and tip outs than he will at the club.

Besides the physical safety, there's the issue of dancers not wanting their jobs being public knowledge. A lot of times their family and friends outside the club don’t know what they do. Being a dancer is not accepted in a polite society. I’m guessing that I’ve probably met and worked with dancers in my past and never knew it. If I'd found out what they had done in their past, or are still doing, would it have changed my opinion of them? Today, no. Before I started hanging out in strip clubs? Yes, sadly. As much as I’d like to think I’m above stereotypical thinking, I’m not. I used to believe all the strip club clichés; That strippers were one step away from being drug addicted hookers and that people who hang out in strip clubs are future sex offenders. Curiously, I’ve actually become one of those stereotypes.

One of the cruelest pranks I’ve ever heard was committed by a dancer on another dancer. Though calling this a prank is like calling a felonious assault hazing. A dancer secretly took a picture of another in the dressing room with the girl's own phone. Then sent the picture to her mother, who up until that point, didn’t know she danced. Sometimes dancers are the biggest threat to dancers, not customers.

The media doesn’t really do the strip club industry any favors. Most strippers on TV get killed just after opening credits on a crime drama series. I’ve explored this in more detail in my Bad Press blog post. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie or TV show the accurately portrays the life of a dancer. The only place that seems to give some insight into the strip club world is the blogosphere. I have to admit a lot of the blogs and tweets are actually pretty boring. There is usually lots of stuff about stupid customers, broken heels, and makeup. This is probably representative of a greater truth. It’s just another job.

Stripping's Schrodinger's Cat

Schrödinger’s cat is a physics thought experiment that describes some of the major weirdness of quantum mechanics. Basically it points out the result and the measurements are linked paradoxidly. Idealy in science you should be able measure something without altering it. In quantum mechanics the two are linked. It always struck me that dancers are faced with a similar problem with they sit down with a customer to sell them a dance. In the Schrodingers cat experiment the cat is put in a box with a vial of poison that may be released randomly. You don't know if the cat is dead or alive until you open the box (take a measurement). The dancer does not know if she is going to sell a dance until she asks. While most dancer will find the thought of putting a cat in box with a vial of poison repugnant, they would happily put some customers in a box with a vial of poison Then nail it shut, light it on fire, and throw it into a river.

Quantum mechanics is really weird. The physics Nobel laureate Richard Feyman once said "If you think you understand quantum mechanics, then you don't understand quantum mechanics". Besides winning the Nobel Prize for physics Richard Feyman was also a regular at strip clubs. Proving the smart people do hang out in strip clubs. While selling a lap dance may not be a theoretically complex as physics, it still can be a difficult process. The point at which you ask for the sale can be really scary. I see all sorts of different approaches.

A dancer tweeted sitting down with somebody you don’t know is cold calling. That’s probably the best description I’ve heard. There are different strategies for cold calling. Some dancers go from table asking every but the furniture if they want a dance. Others sit at the bar and watch, waiting for a customer approach.

Most girls fall somewhere in between. Closing the sale is tough. If you don’t ask, you don’t get rejected. If you don’t ask, you may lose the sale. If a dancer sits down with me I won’t ask her for a dance. If I’m waiting for a specific dancer, I’ll tell other dancers that immediately if they try to sit down with me. I know I come across as a jerk sometimes or maybe paranoid. For it’s the best way to deal with the situation. If I’m waiting for another dancer I’m not going to buy dances from her. I’m just wasting her time. Most dancers appreciate that but some take offense. I suspect they’ve had an off night and hearing one more no is just a little too much to take.

The web site strip and grow rich has a program for helping with stripper cold calls. It breaks customers down into specific types and it has associated methods to sell the customers. Having a strategy is almost always better than just winging it. I’ve noticed that with a lot of sales people, not just dancers, they fall into the exact same approach regardless of the customer.

There is one aspect about selling a dance that is extremely difficult is that not all customers in a strip club are looking for the same thing. This is even more true with regulars. I first started out hanging out at strip clubs because it was the ultimate distraction. I’m not a social person be nature. I don’t want to talk to the person driving my cab or sitting next to me on an airplane. I’m perfectly comfortable with silence. However my job requires me to be social. I have to talk to people I’ve have no real interest in. This can be really taxing on me. Most dancers go through the same thing. They spend the a day at work forcing conversations with people they'd rather not talk to. Just going home and trying to read or listen to music usually doesn’t work to relax me. I end up thinking about work, about the long winded egomaniac I have to call the following day and listen to how stupid my company is. Sitting at the rack with loud music and naked woman in front of me much drowns out any sort of work related thoughts.

After a while things changed. I got to know dancers and discovered that they most were just normal people. A few are crazed drug addicts. But some of the highly educated professionals I work with are crazed drug addicts too. They just can’t be as obvious. Over time I started hanging out because I really liked to talk to a few. The sales pitch that would have worked on me when I first started hanging out won’t work that well now because what I want is different.

Despite the reputation that strip clubs turn women into objects or that dancers treat guys like walking wallets its actually a really human experience. It’s not just sex, but attention, friendship basic human interaction. The experience is what you make of it. Unfortunately the dancers are stuck trying to figure out what you want want to make of it. If I had one piece of advice to give new dancers is always ask for the dance. The cat may live or the cat may die, but you'll never know till you ask.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCOE__N6v4o&feature=related