Naming Names (not really)

I have a confession. Despite my best efforts I do have one slightly creepy habit. I keep a small spread sheet that contains there stage name and their actual first name. No other information. No last names or anything else. Just first name and stage name. I know a lot of dancers get irritated with guy’s fixation with knowing their real name. I understand why they have a stage and even make light of it. But it’s something that is unique to strip club industry. No where else in my life do people keep their identity to me. I know actors, musicians and authors use assumed names but I don’t talk with them on a regular basis.

I never ask a dancer her name. Most of the time they will either tell me their name or let it slip by accident. I really doesn’t matter if I know or not. Having a stage name is an everyday thing for dancers so I think it loses a lot of its impact on them. But seriously, if a repair man showed at your door announced he was the Mighty Thor and was going to fix your refrigerator wouldn’t you find that a bit odd?

I have accumulated close to 150 names in my list so here are some interesting facts (Hopefully). The most common dancer Name: Taylor. Far and away this is most common name. I’m not sure why. Maybe dancers named Taylor have a high turn over rate. There were three times more Taylor’s than the next most popular name.

Dancer’s names tend to fall into seven categories: Names, Famous Names, Things, Emotions, Mythological Names, Locations, and WTF. 56% of the dancers simply picked another name. Nothing was nothing really unique about the name just another feminine name. 11% picked names of famous people. Usually the name was a TV, movie, or music celebrity but there were a couple of literary characters as well. 11% of the dancers picked a name that were things. These ranged from cars to gems to weapons. There was one optical illusion as well.

9% were named after a mythological character. Almost all from the Greek pantheon, except two from Celtic mythology. I actually thought there would be more in this category. But I like Mythology so I was probably just notice them more. 9% of the dancers were name after locations. Cities were the most common location. A couple of US States and one continent were also represented. I think I’d pick a city if I was a dancer. Just call me Fresno. I think I made the right career move going into engineering.

2% picked emotions. Honestly, when I read them on the computer they seem really odd, but in the club they make sense. 2% are just simply What The Fuck. I have no idea whether they are proper names, places, drugs, or from the periodic table. Googling the name only yielded spell corrections. My best guess they are just mash-ups of other names.

The most surprising thing was that 5% of the dancers used the real name as their stage name. That is a lot higher number than I would have expected. I suppose it doesn’t matter. As long as you think the name is fake, it accomplishes the same thing.

A new look for Todd

There are few dancer accoutrements that are so universally reviled at glitter. You can tell by the aliases glitter, “Slut Dust”, “Clitty Litter”, and “Divorce Dust”. The basic problem with glitter is when one dancer wears glitter, all the dancers wear glitter. And occasionally some of the customers.. The stuff goes every where, including the customers. I’ve never been married so I never had to deal the “divorce dust” issue, but it has lead to a couple of embarrassing moments.

I try not to categorize people just because of their profession, but strip club owners can be some of the cheapest bastards on the face of the earth. They tend to cut corners on things like drink napkins, light bulbs, or furniture. I know when the club was having a good month because they would have a new bungee cord to pull the men’s room door closed. During bad months the door would just kind of hang there. If you want more privacy you need to buy more drinks.

Another favorite method of saving money owner’s employ is not turning on the heat. I’ve seen owners standing in jeans, sweat shirt, and coat thinking the heat is fine while the dancer dressed in a g-string and little else is freezing to death. I stopped by the club during the spring time. It was nice and warm during the days but the nights still got cold very quickly. It was one of those freezing nights in the club. I wore my black vest the entire time I was there.

The following morning I threw the same black vest on again and headed off to work. We were doing some testing on a display that was going to be installed in an ATM machine. If you visited a Bank of America ATM recently you were using the LCD module we we’re testing that day. On displays used outdoors we do a day light readability test. Basically you blast the display with light and make sure you can still read it. By blasting light I mean 100,000 lux. Most homes are lit at 150 lux. We’re talking a bank aircraft landing lights all pointed at small spot. Part of my job is to make sure the electronics works. Because of the heat generated by the lights we keep the optical lab as cool as possible between tests so I was keeping my vest on.

During the test I had stepped in front of the lights to check something when I heard laughter break out behind me. Then I heard “Holy shit Todd, that’s a new look for you”. I turned around confuse. “Dude, it’s your vest. You look like Liberace”. The back of my best was covered in glitter. In the test lights I twinkled like a planetarium exhibit. Apparently I had sat down in chair slathered in clitty litter. “Why didn’t you invited any of us along” one of the others guy quipped. One advantage of working in a sales and marketing group is you don’t have worry about people knowing you hang out in strip clubs. More than likely they are spending more time there than you are. I took off the vest.

Dancer FA

One of the colloquialisms at my work is 'FA'. FA is the acronym for failure analysis. This is where a customer will send in their dead unit and we’ll try to determine why it failed. I do most of these except for the high profile and really obscure problems. In the spirit of looking for simple things blog about i'll apply my meager skills to why dancers fail to get dances, more specifically why the dancer failed to get dances from me. I probably don’t represent the typical customer but I probably have pretty typical reactions to a dancers sales pitch.

Ask for the Dance

The number one reason why I did not buy dances from a girl is she never asked me. Ask for the dance, ask for the dance, and ask for the dance. When you wait for the customer to ask you are putting your fate in his hands. If I’m on the fence about whether to buy dances I’ll probably stay there. I’m not trying to be difficult but it’s my money you want me to spend. I’d rather get dances from somebody interested in selling them. The longer she waits the more likely I’m not going to buy dances. Occupy Wall Street, not my bar tab. Walking away absolutely guarantees that you won’t get dances. It doesn’t matter if he asked you to sit with him or you ask to sit. It doesn’t matter what you are selling dances, mutual funds or diamonds always ask for the dance. Ask for the sale.

It's about me

There are some subjects that will instantly shut down any desire for a dance. The most abhorrent to me is listening about how attractive somebody else is. I’m an unremarkable man with an unremarkable job that drives an unremarkable car to an unremarkable home. There are 168 hours in a week. I’m reminded constantly for the other 166 hours that I’m not an object of desire. I don’t want to hear it when I’m in a strip club and I sure as hell don’t want to pay for the privilege. I’m not asking to hear false platitudes about how handsome I am. Like asking for the sale, this isn’t something particular to stripping. If I were to go into one of my accounts and tell them how cool their competitor’s product was I wouldn’t live to see the end of the week. You are always tap dancing around the customer’s ego in sales. It might feel good to whack some guy’s ego but it’s not going to make you any money.

The customer is not your enemy

The last thing is don’t hate your customer. It always surprises me how often a dancer will plop down next to me with a thinly veiled expression of malice on her face. She’ll plow through a couple minutes of small talk through clinched teeth. Then snarl out some sort of snarky remark when I don’t buy dances from her. I didn’t force you to sit with me. If you’ve already resigned yourself to failing then nothing is going to stop you. Anybody who has sold anything has wanted to strangle their customer. There probably isn’t a week that goes by where I don’t want to beat some idiot engineer to death was his iPhone 4S. Siri, please contact the coroner I’m going to kill this idiot. I like to think myself as a relatively low maintenance customer but I know a few of my dancer friends have wanted to break a chair over my head.

Don't push yourself to far

One of those signs you’ve been hanging around at a strip club too long is when you’re asked to help educate new dancers. There is a piece of advice I always give out but I doubt ever gets followed. As soon as they can they should save two months of living expenses. I know this is a lot easier said than done, but dancing is very taxing both physically and mentally. Having a cushion to take a break can make all the difference. The pressure to make money can be overwhelming when your back is against the wall. This invariably leads to bad decisions.

Sh*t dancers say to customers

I’ve been trying to write more. Once I stop posting to my blog it feels almost impossible to get started again. So I’m going to start cheating to make my life easier. Rather than coming up with original ideas, like Dr Seuss stripper poems, I’m just going to steal other people ideas. So let’s go after some low hanging fruit.

Here are some of the more crazy things dancers have said to me over this last decade. I suspect that most of these phrases are fueled by double digit blood alcohol levels or assorted other controlled substances that have been accumulated to less than prudent levels.

Why do dancers dance? Money. And they have a multitude of reasons why. Like health issues.

I really need to make money tonight because:

1) I have to get my appendix removed. (I wasn’t aware appendectomies were elective surgery)

2) I have a brain tumor

3) I have oberian (sic) cancer

4) I have a cataract

5) I have to make money for a colon cleanse (I didn’t get any dances from her)

6) I have to replace to replace my real nails with fake nails.

7) I can’t feel my face

Sometimes it’s their pet’s health at risk.

I really need to make money tonight because:

1) My dog has a brain tumor.

2) My cat has breast cancer (apparently strip clubs are the leading cause of cancer in strippers and their pets)

3) My cat needs a hip replacement

4) My dog needs therapy, he’s afraid of his shadow

5) My cat is possessed (I guess exorcisms aren’t covered by home owners policies)

Sometimes it's automotive issues

I really need to make money tonight because:

1) I need to get my car out of impound

2) I need to get my boyfriend’s car out of impound before he knows its gone

3) I need to get insurance so I can get my car out of impound

4) To replace the headlight I broke when I ran over my boyfriend*

5) I need to take a cab and find my car

*Curiously there was no concern regarding her boyfriends health

Sometimes it’s a creative reason to sit down next to you

Can sit with you because:

1) I’m so fucked up I can’t walk

2) I need to hide from my parole officer

3) I need to hide from that dancer staring at me

4) I can’t find the stage I’m on

5) I don’t know who you are

6) You look like my boyfriend

Sometimes it's just randomly weird things

1) I fucking hate strip clubs

2) I fucking hate customers (not an effective way to sell dances)

3) I hate this place

4) I think went to school with you (I’m old enough to be her father)

5) Have you seen my car? (she was so drunk her sweat smelled like vodka)

6) Just give me a hundred dollars now and I’ll leave (She is still waiting for the money)

7) Why are you here?

The Stripper stomp

I ran into this blog post about the dangers of wearing high heel shoes. There was nothing really new in the article. Just the usual news flash “Heels are bad!” Like this is some sort great revelation. But what really struck me was one sentence in the article describing a woman’s gait after wearing heels for some time:

"the scientists found that heel wearers moved with shorter, more forceful strides than the control group"

They had shorter, more forceful strides. I nick named this gait the stripper stomp. I have had various dancers living in my extra bedroom from time to time. Two girls long term, most others short term, only a couple weeks. Compared to non-dancers they seemed to pound the ground when they walked.

I think I may lived out a couple of Captain Save’ a ho’ fantasy’s, the dream of having your favorite dancer show at your door step for you to rescue them from their terrible situation. The reality is quite different. It actually sucks. People don’t show up with all their worldly possessions crammed into their car because they are in a good place. Things have gone terribly wrong in their life. Nothing romantic is going to come of it. There will just a bunch of money, personal, and probably drug problems for you to help deal with.

The first stranded dancer was very petite. She weighed 115 lbs, soaking wet. I know she weighed that much because she complained about being too fat all the time. A buck fifteen too fat? Maybe if you’re four feet tall. Honestly my hair was fatter than her. Maybe that’s why I’m going bald: gravity. The first time she went rushing by me I thought she was mad about something. Despite her bare feet she shook the furniture. When I asked her what was wrong she looked at me like I was crazy. She was just walking she assured me.

The other dancers had the same walking traits. They all looked elfin petite, they all sounded like sasquatch when they walked. I had originally thought they were so noisy when they walked because they were half deaf. They just didn’t hear how loud their foot steps were. One long time dancer friend of mine has 80% hearing loss in one ear. Dancing definitely takes it toll on the body over time.

It’s always interesting when you see some sort of research confirm or at least correlate with your observations. Maybe I can get a research grant to investigate it further.