Sh*t dancers say to customers

I’ve been trying to write more. Once I stop posting to my blog it feels almost impossible to get started again. So I’m going to start cheating to make my life easier. Rather than coming up with original ideas, like Dr Seuss stripper poems, I’m just going to steal other people ideas. So let’s go after some low hanging fruit.

Here are some of the more crazy things dancers have said to me over this last decade. I suspect that most of these phrases are fueled by double digit blood alcohol levels or assorted other controlled substances that have been accumulated to less than prudent levels.

Why do dancers dance? Money. And they have a multitude of reasons why. Like health issues.

I really need to make money tonight because:

1) I have to get my appendix removed. (I wasn’t aware appendectomies were elective surgery)

2) I have a brain tumor

3) I have oberian (sic) cancer

4) I have a cataract

5) I have to make money for a colon cleanse (I didn’t get any dances from her)

6) I have to replace to replace my real nails with fake nails.

7) I can’t feel my face

Sometimes it’s their pet’s health at risk.

I really need to make money tonight because:

1) My dog has a brain tumor.

2) My cat has breast cancer (apparently strip clubs are the leading cause of cancer in strippers and their pets)

3) My cat needs a hip replacement

4) My dog needs therapy, he’s afraid of his shadow

5) My cat is possessed (I guess exorcisms aren’t covered by home owners policies)

Sometimes it's automotive issues

I really need to make money tonight because:

1) I need to get my car out of impound

2) I need to get my boyfriend’s car out of impound before he knows its gone

3) I need to get insurance so I can get my car out of impound

4) To replace the headlight I broke when I ran over my boyfriend*

5) I need to take a cab and find my car

*Curiously there was no concern regarding her boyfriends health

Sometimes it’s a creative reason to sit down next to you

Can sit with you because:

1) I’m so fucked up I can’t walk

2) I need to hide from my parole officer

3) I need to hide from that dancer staring at me

4) I can’t find the stage I’m on

5) I don’t know who you are

6) You look like my boyfriend

Sometimes it's just randomly weird things

1) I fucking hate strip clubs

2) I fucking hate customers (not an effective way to sell dances)

3) I hate this place

4) I think went to school with you (I’m old enough to be her father)

5) Have you seen my car? (she was so drunk her sweat smelled like vodka)

6) Just give me a hundred dollars now and I’ll leave (She is still waiting for the money)

7) Why are you here?