Dancer Maladies

Here are some imaginary afflictions I see dancers getting from time to time. They are kind of silly, but I don't feel very serious right now.




Poleo
this is a dancer affliction where she exhibits extreme reluctance to move more than arms length from the pole the entire set. The dancer shows an aversion to approaching any customers. She will maintain physical contact with the pole at all times. This affliction is most commonly seen in baby strippers, but will occasionally be observed in more experienced dancers. It must be terrifying the first time on stage for a dancer. There really isn't any way to practice stripping, she get thrown to the wolves, literally. Have you noticed the expressions some guys have around the stage? Predatory would be the most accurate description of their looks. Most dancers get better and start to engage customers around the rail. Some dancers will exhibit Poleo when nobody is tipping. They'll just lean against the pole and glare at the crowd. I can't blame them, why give it away for free.

Recommended treatment: Money. Once the dancer learns that she’ll make more money engaging the customers she’ll release her death grip on the pole. Also dancers tend to glare less when they are being tipped.


Stripper Munchausen By Proxy Syndrome
This is where the dancer need for money results more and more outlandish stories being told to customers in hopes of greater financial rewards through sympathy. Stripper Munchausen by Proxy is sometimes shortened to the term Stripper BS. Seriously, I'd like to record some of these stories. I wonder if she is playing a game to see how ridiculous of a story she can get away with. I really hate it when a dancer I've know calls me up because I'm her 'only hope'. She should have called Obi-wan Kenobi instead. I already pay good money for the pleasure of your company. Please don't expect me to pay for your bad judgement. The sad part is when I hear what's really going on from other dancers. The real reason for your cash short fall is you had to post bail to spring your deadbeat boyfriend, not your cat needs triple bypass surgery.

One dancer gave me a long sad story about how she spent her last pennies buying food for her cat instead of paying her phone bill. Now her cell was going to be turned off and if that happened she wouldn't be able to schedule, which means she wouldn't be able to work, which would get her evicted and she and her well fed cat would have to beg for money at a freeway off ramp. Then in the same breath she told me how happy she was with the results the tooth whiteners strips she just bought were giving her. Whitening strips or phone bill? Either you have the worst decision making skills ever, or you're dumb as a box of rocks, or you are trolling a line of BS hoping some poor schmuck bites to save you the effort of actually having to work. Probably a combination off all three.

Recommended treatment: None. The condition can be mitigated some by the application of extreme amounts of sarcasm when the stories start.



Clydesdale Tourette's syndrome
This syndrome presents itself in the form of the dancer obnoxiously clicking her heels together on stage like a draft horse trying to count to three. Sometimes the dancer will kick the stage or slam the pole up and down in its fittings. Ladies I'll let you in on a little secret about guys. We will always notice a naked woman on a stage. Always. Do you really think that we suddenly look up and wonder where you suddenly came from? Holy shit, a naked girl in seven inch heels standing in the middle of the stage, where did she come from? At a strip club no less, wow, who would have thought. Yes, the guys are ignoring you for all wrong reasons, but we know you are there. I know the purpose of clacking your heels is point out that the guys aren't tipping and hopefully shame them into doing right thing. Doing it too much is one of the few things a dancer can do to insure that I won't tip. Also, don't slam a spinning pole up and down it wrecks the bearings. Do this too much and girls who do a lot of pole tricks will begin to plot your death. Your car will explode when you go to drive home one night.

Recommended treatment: High explosives and detonator packed into her heels.


Dancer Zombification
This syndrome presents with  the dancer being so distracted on stage she appears to have no brain function. Zombification’s primary difference Poleo is in the fact the dancer is simply going through the motions, she is simply working through a well practiced routine being completely indifferent to the customers. This is one of the few things I can empathize with dancers. I done presentations at a some trade shows where I don’t see the crowd. I just mechanically plod through the presentation like I’m talking to myself. I can imagine a dancer doing the same thing. She walk’s up the stage, the exact same guys are there from the last time she was up. She know’s how much she’s going to get tipped, the guys reaction, and what mindless comments the DJ will make. Of course, the primary cause of Zombie dancers is Zombie customers. There probably is nothing worse than customers who just sit motionless at the stage.

Recommended treatment: Ethanol taken orally, stat.