The Muffin Man

It’s finally sunny here in lovely Portland Oregon, which curiously inspires me to go inside and type on my computer. Apparently when its cold and wet outside I only have enough energy to sit and watch TV. This post is a bit of a screed about other patrons. I suppose I’m being hypocritical complaining about other customer, but I’m ticked off. There is one type of customer I’ve been running into recently I can’t stand: The Strip Club Stud Muffin.

This is the guy who thinks he is god’s gift to strip clubs, and he’s got the dollar bill to prove it. He doesn’t just walk up and tip the dancer, he approaches the stage the Moses preparing to part the red sea. To leave the tip on the rail and walk back to his table would be cheating the dancer of the chance to bask in his awesomeness. Good f’n grief man it’s just a dollar bill. It’s not like she’s going to be able to retire early now. Don't stand there like the Pope.

I’m not sure what this guy is thinking. He just stands there like a wall of arrogance. I understand wanting to get something for you dollar but do expect the dancer to suddenly race across the stage for a buck? Not surprisingly most dancers manage to resist his massive charisma and either ignore him completely or slowly make their way over to him after when it suits them. I don’t think these guys get it. They get mad when they get ignored. The last muffin man I saw actually started waving the bill like a dog biscuit. He managed to take jerk to a new level.

These guys never seem to find a place to sit. They always find the most strategic location to stand that insures that they will be in the way of the bar staff, the dancers, and anybody trying to walk to the bathroom. They also feel compelled to make smart ass comments when ever possible. I don’t want to hear a running commentary at a club, its one of the few times i'm glad it’s so loud I can’t hear what he’s saying. Nobody at the club really wants to hear anything you have to stay. The lack of attention never seems to slow them down, they just try harder.

Of course he has to give you his opinion about dancers, the club, and the state of the union while you are in the bathroom. One guy actually started talking to me “Strippers is so stupid…” Congratulations in only four words you’ve managed to prove that you are illiterate, stupid, and annoying. My head almost exploded when my brain tried to escape out my ear. I wish my bladder had an emergency purge button. I'm not trying to be an elitist here but at least begin the conversation with something partially coherent, like maybe "hello"? To walk up to a complete stranger in a bathroom and start trashing people is a bit much.

Fortunately for me I can avoid Sir ClubMuffin usually most of the time. The dancers have a much tougher time. A dollar isn’t nearly enough compensation when it comes to them. Speaking of lack of compensation I saw the world’s cheapest bachelor party. They had the bachelor at the stage with nine guys standing right behind him. How much money was in front of the bachelor? One dollar. Yep, ten guys and they could only pony up a dime a piece. At the end of the song the dancer bailed off the stage and left the tip. One of the guys picked up the tip on the way out. Seriously classy. I hope next time they have more empties to cash in. That's enough venom for now.