I’m setting my snark mode to eleven. I admit up front on this post I’m being heavy handed. Ultimately I am a customer, so everything I do is from that point of view. I feel like I'm mostly fair, except for one topic. There is one thing about the strip club world that is just so stupid I can’t look at it with doing a face palm every time. What is this black hole of cultural despair? The monthly magazine strip club advertisement. Every time I look at these ads my IQ drop slightly. I’ve decided to create a secret decoder ring for those folks who can’t believe the ads are really as bad as actually are. The following blog post is completely unfair. I don’t care. They are idiots.
Here are the most common points made on virtually every Strip club ad and what they really mean.
Strip club ad claim #1: We have ice cold beer.
What does this really mean? We have a functional refrigeration system. Nothing more. When I walk into a club with naked woman on stage do I care if the beer is ice cold? No. I’d be happy if they just had a bigger selection of beer than the local 7-11. Most strip clubs don’t. They have a couple taps of horrible, water down, over priced, least offensive product they can sell to the largest demographic. Its miserable stuff only made tolerable only because of its proximity to boobs.
Strip club ad claim #2: We have the friendliest wait staff in town.
No you don’t. The ads make is sound like their wait staff is the only friendly one in town and all the other waitresses are just axe wielding homicidal maniacs. They are all axe wielding homicidal maniacs. Especially when you tip the 25 cents on an $18 dollar drink order. Actually the wait staff is your best friend at the club. Take care of you waitress every chance you get. She can make your life so much better when you run into a psycho stripper. Most waitresses are all the same. If you treat them right they will treat you right.
Strip club ad claim #3: We have comfortable chairs and cozy VIP booths.
No you don’t. You have furniture that most humans would throw away after a nuclear apocalypse. Let’s be realistic, you’ve got beat up furniture and couches you couldn’t give away at Goodwill. Periodically, I feel the need to burn all my clothes I wear to a strip club. I recently had a chance to see the couches from a strip club outside in the light of day. It was disturbing. I understand that a strip club is hard on the assets. But it’s nothing to brag about.
Strip club ad claim #:4 Come see our special event, it’s so special.
Except for the flyer taped the door that you don’t read anyway, you wouldn’t know anything special is going on except the DJ is a little more incoherent than usual. I have walked out of the club a couple times not realizing that there was a “major event” going on until I saw the sign on the door when I left. Stapling decorations from the Dollar tree on to a couple walls does not create an epic event. The only thing I found consistent about special events is that they screws up the drink service. The waitresses just spend their time tripping over crappy decorations trying to get to the bar.
Strip club claim #5: We have the hottest dancers.
Of course you do, all the other clubs just herd cattle on to the stage. The reality is that most of your dancers worked at other clubs and will bolt to new clubs as soon as you jack up the stage fees or do something else completely stupid. I know you have to say you have the best dancers in the ad. But try and figure out some sort of other angle. Like maybe you have really hot dancers that can carry on a conversation longer than “Wanna dance?” That’d be awesome.
Strip club claim #6: We have an address.
The club’s address is usually tucked away unobtrusively on the bottom of the ad or next to the logo. Most of the time you’d wouldn’t notice it, The reality is THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT FUCKING ITEM ON YOUR AD! Unless the customer can find your club everything else on the ad is pointless. Seriously, most of the people reading your ad probably don’t know where you are. Who cares if you have friendly wait staff and the hottest dancers with classiest furniture if you are lost in the Bermuda Triangle. Your ad looks just like all the other ads in the magazine. If there is one thing you want your customer to know is where to find you. Make sure that when they see the ad they come away with that information.
OK, blood pressure lowering, bile depleted. Now I’m can go to bed knowing I just made the world a little bit better for truth, justice and the strip club way.
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